• Star magazine claimed Lindsay Lohan quit Alcoholics Anonymous an has been drinking, doing cocaine and cutting herself as her life spirals out of control. Lohan already called the story "ridiculous" and slammed Star's track record in a pre-emptive MySpace strike Friday.

Click to viewBoomp3.com Lost castaway Evangeline Lilly returned to the mainland to participate the 60th Annual Emmy Awards on Sunday night. As she walked the luxurious red carpet, Lilly was asked if she ever thought about getting any plastic surgery in the future. Lilly chuckled slightly, then demonstrated what her face may look like if she got the Joan Rivers special. In a cruel twist of fate, Rivers happened to be watching the ceremony through her crystal ball and summoned up a few evil spirits in order to cast a spell that froze Lilly's face that like for a week. Lilly mumbled as she walked, “That Joan Rivers serves a cold and bitter dish of revenge. The make up call times that I'm going to need to fix this hex aren’t going to be fun, either.” [Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

After her latest round of plastic surgery, Joan Rivers has once again sparked concern that her postmodern facial sculpting has perhaps gone one operation too far. "My motto is, 'Better a new face coming out of an old car than an old face coming out of a new car.' Spend your money on you," the Daily Mail quotes her as saying, but clearly the stakes have soared beyond self-service satisfaction: Rivers is but the latest boldface name to join the increasingly cutthroat Joker-Alike 2008 competition, in which grinning celebrities and their psychotic celluloid doppelgangers square off for ear-to-ear supremacy. Have a closer look at the finalists — and vote for a (or nominate your own) winner after the jump.A. Joan Rivers

Currently enmeshed in a terrible global conspiracy involving 17-year-old girls, U.S. District Judges, a shadowy cabal of vampires (and most likely the Stonemasons), Girls Gone Wild proprietor Joe Francis is on the hunt for a way to restore his good name — and there's no one more willing to help than Donald Trump. Already the crown prince of magnanimity thanks to his selfless (some might say tear-inducing) bail-out of the beleaguered Ed McMahon, Hollyscoop says that the billionaire and the porn purveyor are set to team up:

Last week, Quest magazine, coddler of heiresses, financiers, and other layabouts, published its annual "Quest 400," the exhaustive yet unexplained list of the society fixtures it deems worthy. Originally the "400" represented the number of guests Mrs. Astor could fit into her ballroom. Mrs. Astor is long gone, so how can one land a spot on the list today? We looked through all 20 pages to find out how to make the cut.

Where does a 75-year-old comedienne go after being banished from British TV for cussing out Russell Crowe? Well, if you're Joan Rivers, you pick your filthy mouth up off the floor and move on to the next logical place for your brand of blue humor: a Girl Scout fundraiser in Orlando, Florida.

· Sorry to ladle on the Kathy Griffin today, but did she just tell Jay Leno she wants to shoot the cast of The Hills dead? So, basically, if any John Hinckley-type admirers out there are looking for some spectacular gesture of devotion, you've just received your marching orders. [Tonight Show]
· Lede of the Day: "Ronnie Wood has walked out on his wife and four children to live with a teenage cocktail waitress he met in an escort bar." [Daily Mail]
· The real Jaws town of Amity had two beaches shut down after an unconfirmed Great White sighting. Then George Lucas appeared in a Speedo to ruin a beloved memory for everyone. [AP]
· Brett Ratner is bringing together the hottest Jewesses on Earth to pose in your 5769 Hebraic Hotties swimsuit calendar. [Page Six]
· Bleepers, start your engines: Joan Rivers will be competing in the second season of Celebrity Apprentice. [HuffPo]
· Hey: Unicorn-Aids! (Not what you're thinking, sickies.) [Perpetualkid.com]

The state of American game-show relations achieved a dizzying new high Tuesday night when Ice-T, Joan Rivers and their respective broods faced off in a very special episode of Celebrity Family Feud. It hardly seemed a sure thing at first; we doubted Ice and host Al Roker could outdo their tasteful wife-for-hire exchange at the top of the show, or that Rivers could overcome the tremulous, post-Russell Crowe Fucking SlutGate gunshyness in time to produce for a national audience. But the rapper more than picked up the slack in the very first feud, wringing potty-mouthed ignominy from Roker's loaded solicitation, "Name something that's slippery and hard to hold on to." And while we may never know the true degree of Ice's ensuing, bleeped filth or his earlier, "Watch it, Al" threat to Richard Dawson's debauched spiritual heir, the possibility that we could love again after The Moment of Truth was never clearer or more reassuring. [NBC via RedLasso]

1) Rory and Elie Tahari hosted a bash at their beachfront house for God's Love We Deliver: 400 guests including Simon Doonan (above center) and Jonathan Adler, Martha Stewart, Arnold Scaasi, Kelly Klein, Debbie Bancroft, Richard Mishaan, Tory Burch, Kyle MacLachlan (above left) and Desiree Gruber (above right), Olivia Chantecaille, Dennis Basso, Melissa Berkelhammer, Gigi Mortimer, Karen Pearl, and Tiffany Dubin raised $1.3 million by bidding on auction prizes including lunch with Blaine Trump and Joan Rivers at Le Cirque. [Hamptons.com/Dan's Hamptons]

• Anne Hathaway dumped her scandal-plagued boyfriend Raffaello Follieri for all the obvious reasons: his legal troubles, the potential damage to her image, etc. Plus her parents despised him and her dad hired a PI to follow them around. [NY Post]

It's getting so that there are fewer and fewer places where Joan Rivers can peddle her celebrity-terrorizing wares lately, having been banished from virtually every red carpet in town—but the 75-year-old post-Vaudeville warhorse shows few signs of slowing down. Case in point, she stopped by British talk show Loose Women today to plug the West End debut of her one-woman show; Women then took the extreme measure of ejecting Rivers from their studio after she let fly a two-megaton F&S Bomb in describing Russell Crowe. Rivers later explained how she mistakenly thought the world in which she moves is on permanent seven-second delay:

• An anonymous caller told George Clooney about his new girlfriend Sarah Larson, "Dump the bitch before you're sorry." Clooney got his off-duty-cop chauffeur to have the call traced, but it was made from a pre-paid cell phone and they can't figure out who bought the phone. Also, the Sun found a supposed ex-boyfriend of Larson who said Larson had "special love potions."

Finding themselves without a red carpet home after their deal with TV Guide Network went south, Joan and Melissa Rivers are still pressing forward with their catty Oscar fashion quips on a site called Stylelist.com. And they're not letting their Siberian spot in cyberspace stop them from dishing out their trademark red carpet digs, which span the range from who "should be locked away" (Julie Christie) to who they believe spent "hours covered in leeches to get that pale" (Anne Hathaway). But that's not the half of it. After the jump, find out who Joan thinks looks like they were "gift-wrapped at Macy's" and who "ain't gonna score tonight."

Until recently, the well-preserved queen of catty commentary and long-time Hollywood Squares fixture was celebrities' worst nightmare on the red carpet. Fortunately, she has a chintzy jewelry and beauty line and E!'s Fashion Police to fall back on.

Many awards show viewers still long for the heyday of the late '90s, when unsuspecting stars would recoil in terror upon being accosted by Grand Frock Inquisitioner Joan Rivers, followed closely behind by loyal henchspawn Melissa, one finger held to her ear as she received instruction on the proper pronunciation of "Benicio Del Toro." Alas, after being bumped from their now-legendary E! gig, and banished from the TV Guide Channel kingdom for rumored "difficult" behavior, the only place Emmy watchers can turn these days for a Rivers fix is online, at VH1's Emmys With Joan. Gold Derby's Tom O'Neil wonders if the pair's seemingly shameful banishment to the slums of the blogowebs doesn't perhaps bode well, suggesting the network might take a short break from finding Flavor Flav the skank of his dreams to secure Joan and Melissa a spot on the red carpet:

• Tradey mag-man Keith Fox will be the president of your Business Week. Headshots with suspicious head cropping always make us wonder how bald a fella is. That's okay. [Ad Age]
  

For weeks now, a search has been on to find the perfect three Gays to join Joan Rivers on her upcoming Bravo talk show, Can We Dish?. (For the pitch-arithmetic inclined, the show is basically The View - 3 loud women + 3 loud women with dicks.) The enormous field of sassy-mouthed opinion-havers was eventually whittled down to ten, and according to Page Six, a surprise favorite has emerged: Former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey, best known for his "I am a gay American" resignation speech. But with the other two spots still open, a Defamer operative tells us that none other than Jessica Simpson-loathing Bravo executive Andy Cohen managed to pull some strings and score an audition for himself:

Right now, in an undisclosed location that simply must be somewhere in Chelsea, Joan Rivers has assembled a legion of desperate queens asked to audition for her Bravo talk show Can We Dish?. The show is apparently just like The View — but the sassy ladies will be replaced with sassy Gays. From what we hear, the show's producers have taken to the streets to look for talent, having called upon just about every gentleman that they could think of, right down to Derek Blasberg and Chris Rovzar. Joan herself will obviously be playing the part of Barbara Walters, but we can already cast the rest:

Joan Rivers just can't get enough of internet dating. After being revealed as a user of Match.com, she went on the Today Show to talk about her frustrations and go on five quickie dates with five very uncomfortable men. Presumably none of those worked out enough to keep her occupied, and so Joan's taken to playing matchmaker for advertising guru and talk show host Donny Deutsch. Why, does His Manliness need a little help? Apparently the fig-leaf-cum-swimsuit isn't doing him any favors.

"You're not out there!" George Costanza insisted to his mother, Estelle, when she announced she was getting an eye job so she'd look her best after her separation from Frank. "You can't be, because I'm out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!"