• Jennifer Lopez plans to announce her long-awaited (by the kind of people who await such things) pregnancy at Saturday's concert at MSG, apparently. [Page Six]
  

• MSNBC cancels their Imus-cast. May we tackily say: Told ya! [TV Newser]
  

· The Austrians were totally mean to Paris! [via BWE]
· The Germans were totally mean to the J. Lo!
· Entourage's Lloyd initially thinks that the guy trolling for representation by his fictional boss might be a little unbalanced, but after figuring out he's probably just kidding, still decides not to put through his crazy-call to the Piv.
· Are movie reviewers allowed to refer to Donald Trump's genitalia as "evil"? Apparently they are!
· Our bold prediction: Wealthy famous person in legal peril still somehow avoids jail time in connection with recent DUI. We know we're really going out on a limb with that one.

Today's Page Six puzzles through how floundering megastar Jim Carrey and multimedia-brand-in-decline Jennifer Lopez squeezed onto the guest list for last month's Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Billion Year Commitment Ceremony Spectacular, connecting the dots first through evil agenting monolith CAA, then through a possible interest in discovering how some time in the sauna with a fistful of vitamins can help one's career or family-building ambitions. Says Page Six:

Eastsiders, despair, for your Hollywood nightmare, which you'd naively hoped had ended with the almost simultaneous premiere and cancellation of the Silver Lake-set UPN abomination Sex, Love & Secrets may begin anew. According to today's Variety, Jennifer Lopez and FX are pressing even further east on Sunset Boulevard for an Echo Park pilot, "a comedic look at the world of yuppie, Latino and hipster cultures within Los Angeles' Echo Park neighborhood." We don't expect that J. Lo herself will be involved enough to set foot on a location shoot, but should she decide to "see what some of these hippie things look like" during
the filming of a particularly hilarious, cross-cultural interaction between a shitfaced Little Joy's patron and the wise-cracking guy trying to sell him a tamale, be prepared to drive her back west by setting ablaze the [pick two of three: sweatbands/leg warmers/cowboy-boots-and-gym-shorts set] you've dipped in gasoline and hurling it at her and her interloping entourage.

• Deposed View co-wench Star Jones' condo is "off the market" for unspecified reasons. If we were to hazard a guess as to why the place didn't sell, it might have something to do with Star refusing to leave during showings, locking herself in her pantry with a hearty supply of Double Stuff Oreos. [TMZ]
• After a brief reunion, Paris Hilton and Starvos Niarchos have a fight via text message — despite being at the same place at the same time. [Scoop]
• House of Sand and Fog director Vadim Perelman was recently charged with groping two Connecticut women; turns out he has a history of mistreating ladies. In January, Perelman took a woman back to his home only to throw a chair at her head. To be fair, she hadn't been sucking him off, so she kind of deserved it. [Page Six]
• Mischa Barton dates rich, British inbred. [Metro]
• Finally, someone understands what the people want: a 9/11 comedy! Alas, the idea came from Oliver Stone. [R&M]
• Did Peter Cook attempt to kill Christie Brinkley with carbon monoxide? [NYDN]
• Britney Spears feels like she's "been missing out on life...like, things!" It's an old video, but still very moving. [Superficial]
• Jennifer Lopez reportedly left the cast of Dallas after learning she'd be cast opposite John Travolta. She's a lot of things, but J.Lo is no man's beard, on-screen or off. [Page Six]

· David Hasselhoff's unbelievable winning streak comes crashing down on him like a crystal chandelier that his head hit while shaving at some gym or something, we're too close to the weekend to really care.
· Jennifer Lopez uses every legal means necessary to shut her first husband up, before he spills the beans on the voodoo practices she directed towards "this particular lady." We have a feeling it involved slitting a live chicken's neck over a picture of Mariah Carey in order to make sure Glitter tanked. (Worked, too!)
· Close but no cigar, Keith Urban.
· We're glad Prime Minister Koizumi can finally dispel that tired old stereotype of the Japanese being obsessed with American celebrities and culture. (By the way, doesn't the President have, like, war shit to attend to before hitting the Karate Wing at Graceland?)
· Gold Derby has whittled down the humongous list of probable Emmy nominees to a more manageable, gigantic list, though it must not be completely accurate, because they seem to have omitted Ghost Whisperer.
· Don't feel too bad for Aaron Spelling. He's too busy training his team of SWAT-CORPSES to worry about the annoying women he left behind.

In an exciting legal victory that has made the world safe for countless derivative homage-paying music videos to come, a U.S. Court of Appeals has upheld the dismissal of a lawsuit brought against Jennifer Lopez and the small army of music industry drones whose job it is to perpetuate her recording career:

Jennifer Lopez was the unofficial queen of yesterday's Puerto Rican Day parade, appearing with her husband Marc Anthony, who was made to feel important by acting as the parade's grand marshal. Lopez, however, was the real attraction — as you may recall, Jenny is from "the block" in the Bronx, making her presence all the more poignant. Walking with Senator Hillary Clinton and a lusty Mayor Bloomberg, Lopez made her people proud by walking 20 blocks in a flashy dress and high heels. In fact, revelers were so moved by her sacrifice that the event went off without so much as a stabbing or wilding.

Readers of the paper edition of Variety were treated to an unseasonable Valentine today, in the form a full-page ad taken out by Marc Anthony, declaring his bursting love and pride for his wife and former object of public fascination, Jennifer Lopez. Only her husband would know Lopez intimately enough to compose the tribute to the baffling "Women in Film" award winner in the form of a mock screenplay, as "Lola" (as he affectionately refers to her in the ad) tends to glaze over when subjected to any assemblage of words not presented in dialogue-and-action formation. After Anthony sneakily placed the trade rag near her morning melon, casually asking if she had "happened to see page 46," a curious Lopez quickly discovered the gushy, Final Draft-templated ode. Purely by force of habit, she immediately handed it to her assistant for coverage, which soon came back to her in the form of a far more manageable, four-line summary: "You're a beautiful actress/singer who receives an award. Your husband says he loves you, but in the end, he says something about you 'never waking up.' The Bodyguard meets Sleeping with the Enemy. Pass."

• Test audiences want Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn together so badly, producers are reshooting The Break Up so that the two leads don't, er, break up. [Page Six]
• Michael Douglas pulls the denial card, insisting that his disparaging remarks in GQ about Brangelina were misquotes. Or maybe he's just scared of their beautiful wrath. [R&M]
• Hey, remember Jennifer Lopez? Us neither. But she's suing her ex-husband, who's writing a tell-all of their marriage after she refused to pony up $5 million for his silence. Jesus — is it shakedown month around here or something? [Page Six]
• The estranged wife of right-wing billionaire Richard Mellon Scaife goes Naomi on his staff, assaulting his housekeeper, security chief, and "cancer-ridden" secretary. [Lowdown]
• Barbra Streisand refuses to appear on the series finale of Will & Grace, suggesting that Babs has no clue who constitutes her fanbase. [IMDb]

In his wanderings, the Defamer Real Estate Correspondent inadvertently came across a property formerly owned by the first Bennifer incarnation (for those of you who suffered blunt head trauma around January of 2004, we're referencing the tabloid-friendly partnership of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez). In filing his report, he transports us back to a more innocent time, a time when two overexposed stars were on top of the world, unencumbered by flagging movie careers, more successful (Affleck) or creepy (Lopez) spouses, and the demands of new parenthood (Affleck only). Says our expert on ostentatious property:

· As chattered about yesterday, UTA agent Marty Bowen leaves the agency for a producing deal at New Line (with Davis Entertainment president Wyck Godfrey). Kudos to Var for apparently digging up Bowen's Godfrey's high school yearbook photo (at left—update: we obviously had no idea what either of them look like) to illustrate their story. Update: A more recent picture of Godfrey is here. [Variety]
· Steven Spielberg will executive produce another Sci Fi Channel miniseries, this time about grieving people who find a way to reconnect with their departed loved ones via near-death experiences, Nine Lives. We still prefer to commune with the dead through Jennifer Love Hewitt's rack. [THR]
· Midseason Series DeathWatch: ABC will yank Emily's Reasons Why Not and Jake in Progress after just one airing to re-run the Bachelor season premiere on Monday, but the shows are "scheduled" to return on Jan. 23rd. You know, unless more compelling opportunities to replace Monday Night Football with reality show repeats present themselves. [Variety]
· West Coast exec VP Marc Graboff is promoted to West Coast president of NBC Universal TV. In related news, NBC president Kevin Reilly still has his job, for now. [THR]
· Like the desperate guy who starts calling a girl who just gave up the digits before she's even left the bar, Showtime sends out its Emmy screeners an unprecedented five months early. [Variety]
· In the New Line romantic comedy Bridge and Tunnel, Jennifer Lopez will star as a stock trader HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No, really! J Lo as a stock trader! Sorry, did we just lose our shit a little? Yes, we did. [Variety]

"You know that charming little cafe on New York's Lower East Side that just closed after a mere six months in business where coffee was served on silver trays with a glass of water and a little chocolate cookie?" No, but I guess it doesn't matter now. [Slate]
Because Brits have been following our lead since 1783, it should come as no surprise that London Underground workers are set to strike on New Year's Eve. Tell me again why we should be pro-union? [BBC]
If you need a J. Lo 2005 retrospective, direct your attention away from us and go here. [OAN]
The Corsair details every little thing that happened in 2005. This is just Part One. [The Corsair]
If I had a hammer, I would say shut the fuck up with it in the morning. Be glad you're not one of these philosobloggers. [Fake Barn Country]
Will your book sell? Statistically speaking, who knows. Realistically, no. [Maud Newton]

· J.Lo's wedding video is back in her hands, the $1 million ransoming thieves are safely behind bars, and the world can go on not caring about her anymore.
· Can't celebrity video thieves come up with a number besides $1 million? Even hoaxes like this one? I mean, come on! Use your imagination, Dr. Evil!
· How hard is this going to suck?
· But don't sweat it, NBC. We already have the concept for your next hit sitcom!
· Christian Brando is being sued for nearly killing his ex-wife. But did he kill Bonny Lee Bakley?
· The Reeler has gone and done something clever: a top ten of critics' top ten movie lists!
· Hmm, I wonder what's going on over by Cute Overload. Holy shit I just had a cute-induced brain aneurysm.

Authorities arrested two men yesterday for attempting to extort as much as $1 million in exchange for Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's stolen wedding videos. Officers from the NYPD's Major Case Squad busted Jersey ex-con Tito Moses and retired postal worker Steven Wortman, who originally contacted Access Hollywood on December 8 with an offer to sell the footage.

Today's Page Six spins a heartwrenching tale of a fading crossover star and the Hollywood manager too busy to show up to the meetings he arranged for her. Continue on only if your delicate constitution can handle the shock of the Lopez-Kwatinetz Affair:

· Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the W.C.: Snakes on a Shitter.
· Breaking! Jennifer Lopez has a big ass!
· With all due respect to Charlize Theron's crusade against the tyranny of beauty, wearing a filthy bandana and smudging some dirt on her face ain't exactly a return to Monster.
· Nanny-porking: Not just for actors anymore!
· Wonkette presents Indictment Bingo! Play along at home with your own handy scorecard.

• Actress Vivica Fox insults rapper 50 Cent's handling of their relationship, deeming it to be "ghetto love." As if she expected anything more of a man who considers a bulletproof vest part of a three-piece suit. [Scoop]
• Determined to convince Jennifer Lopez of the evils of fur, PETA-loving Beatle-wife Heather Mills McCartney personally marched a video of animals being skinned alive over to Lopez's Sweetface clothing offices. Alas, Lopez wasn't around for a viewing. We doubt she even knows she has a Sweetface clothing line. [Lowdown]
• French tabloids regurgitate old quotes from Desperate Housewives' Eva Longoria to make it seem as if she's cheating on her basketballing boy-toy Tony Parker. How appalling; our American gossip columns would never do such a thing. [Page Six]
• Director Guy Ritchie shoves lamb roast in Madonna's face, to which his wife responds by dumping couscous in his lap. All this loving laughter, however, does not change the fact that his latest film reportedly sucks. [R&M]

Everyone knows that J. Lo's junk-packed trunk is the real money maker, so we'll know her brand is truly dead once Big Lots starts offering a 2-for-$9.99 panty special.