Remember ousted Page Sixer Jared Paul Stern's book Stern Measures, the "ultimate, definitive, non-holds-barred-book on the business that is gossip" that was set to be published in Fall 2007? Well, unfortunately none of us will ever get to read Jared's insights into "the behind-the-scenes machinations of moguls, celebrities, politicians; publicists and secret sources; the inside dish on the sometimes dirty business"—Simon&Schuster imprint Touchstone Fireside has mutually agreed with Stern that everyone's better off without this book. "We just decided it was better this way," EVP and Publisher Mark Gompertz told us. "These things happen. He got busy with a lot of things, and so much time had elapsed since the events [that got him fired]. It was through no fault of anyone's." Also! "I'm sure at some point he'll have a really great book to write." Wow. Guess sometimes breaking up is pretty easy to do.

152 days ago, New Yorker writer Malcolm Gladwell gave up blogging. Five weeks and three days ago, Spy founder Kurt Andersen gave up blogging. But former Page Sixer and current Clinton litigant Jared Paul Stern is back on the horse! He wins blog thunderdome! A round of applause, everyone.

Page Six's crazy—like a fox, perhaps—item today that laid bare some alleged misdeeds of the New York Post has reverberated far and wide. Even New York Daily News' gossip queen Joanna Molloy has been touched by the scandal! We asked Ms. Molloy what she thought about the allegations, particularly those that had to do with Richard Johnson's admission that he accepted $1,000 from restaurateur Nello Balan, presumably in exchange for favorable treatment. Turns out this was sort of a habit of Nello's!

Page Six's public denunciation of former employees Jared Paul Stern and Ian Spiegelman today seemed like an interesting public relations strategy. Why give Spiegelman's accusations of Page Six misconduct an airing right in the paper? So we called up the paper's PR daddy, Howard Rubenstein, to ask him about the thinking behind the item. "They said what they wanted to say publicly—and it's said by the editor—that the allegations are a disgrace, and we have nothing more to say," Rubenstein said. "And they wanted to present it all to the public." Well. Mission accomplished!

"Lies & Smears Aimed At Post," blares the headline in today's Page Six. The item lists a whole bunch of allegations against Page Six by a former employee, Ian Spiegelman, that he'd made in an affidavit to fellow former Postie Jared Paul Stern's lawyer. Things like Post honcho Col Allan was "said to have received sexual favors" from strippers at Scores, and that Nello Balan (the restaurant and club owner) had given Page Six's Richard Johnson a $3,000 bribe in 1997.

• Are Ron Burkle & Eli Broad back in the Tribune game? How will Sam Zell's bid work? When will this fucking story ever end? [LAT]
  

We've finally had a chance to read former New York Post reporter Jared Paul Stern's lawsuit against shopping-market magnate Ron Burkle, filed today. One of Stern's lawyers for his new lawsuit, Larry Klayman, has already sued the Clintons endlessly—some say crazily!—so it's no surprise that there's tons of anti-Clinton stuff in JPS v. Burkle and everyone else. But what else is the truth, according to Jared Paul Stern's filing today?

As promised, former gossip Jared Paul Stern has filed a complaint in State Supreme Court. From the AP:

This morning, Page Six took on the "hometown hypocrites" over at rival tab the Daily News. To wit:

As the Daily Transom reported yesterday, disgraced former Page Sixer Jared Paul Stern has been exonerated. Wait, is exonerated the right word? We think we're actually looking for something more along the lines of "not not exonerated" — the federal case against the accused Burkle-blackmailer is being dropped due to lack of evidence. Anyway, today the Observer has more on how Stern is planning to turn the tables on Burkle and sue him for defamation, libel, and slander, which means that we're going to need some more photos of Stern in funny hats and pink polo shirts, stat. So what does his former employer have to say about all this?

From the Daily Transom:

An article on Sunday about some of the more captivating events in the New York region in 2006 referred incorrectly to a federal investigation of Jared Paul Stern, a former contributor to the Page Six section of The New York Post whom Ronald W. Burkle, the supermarket magnate, has accused of an extortion attempt. The investigation came to light when it was reported by The Post; it was not announced by federal authorities. In addition, allegations that Mr. Stern had been caught on video demanding a $100,000 payment, as well as monthly stipends, for keeping negative accounts of Mr. Burkle from the press were made by Mr. Burkle, not by federal authorities.

As 2006 huffs toward its inexorable end, we decided to take a moment to recognize those personalities that made our job that much more tolerable this year. These are the people who gave us endless fodder for our douchebag mill, who were attracted to the spotlight like moths to a flame, whose stated disdain for our coverage of them was contradicted by their almost pathetic attempts to court it. The adage that there's no such thing as bad publicity has never felt more apt.

As predicted yesterday, today sees the official announcement of Simon & Schuster's purchase of former Page Sixer Jared Paul Stern's proposal for his gossip tell-all (or tell-most), Stern Measures. The book's actually a personal acquisition of Mark Gompertz, publisher of Simon & Schuster imprint Touchstone Fireside. The Observer plumbs the depths of reaction near and slightly farther than near. "He wore a perfect hat, as I thought he might," reminisces Gompertz about his first meeting with Stern. Even though the deal was reputedly quite comfortable, Stern is still poormouthing his post-Payola Six lifestyle, mentioning that his wife, Ruth "Snoodles" Gutman, has had to take a job. "She is working at a local company that makes, like, gourmet foods," says Stern. Fellow disgraced Page Six gossip and author Ian Spiegelman put it less delicately: "Ruth is working at a fucking factory." The Observer piece also has a few updates on Stern's lawsuit versus nemesis Ron Burkle, and perhaps versus other as-yet unnamed parties as well. Official book deal press release after the jump, for those inclined to read such.

We have it on good authority that former Page Six muckraker and alleged downshaker Jared Paul Stern has in fact sold his book proposal to Simon & Schuster, reputedly for six figures. Same working title (Stern Measures), and despite rumors to the contrary, the book will indeed contain a heapin' helpin' of Ron Burkle. Attempts to reach Stern for further details were met with stony, but somehow smug, silence. Publication target is late 2007; expect an official announcement tomorrow.

According to Radar, disgraced former Page Sixer Jared Paul Stern has been hired by BlackBook as books editor. EIC Steve Garbarino rationalizes it for you:

"There are only two kinds of cases I won't take. I won't take a pedophile I believe to be guilty and I won't take a terrorist."

So just how well are those gossip-biz inspired memoirs and novels selling? For the most part, things look bleak — save for MSNBC quasi-gossip Jeanette Walls. The lesson learned: if you're willing to sell out your parents as dumpster divers, you're golden.

Because the world simply cannot have enough gossip industry-inspired novels and memoirs and no one in their right mind could ever tire of a man who dresses like the seersuckered incarnation of Mr. Peanut, we happily present the proposal for former Page Sixer and accused extortionist Jared Paul Stern's memoir. Luckily, we've snorted enough adderall today to happily transcribe most of the godforsaken hard copy, just so that we might share its hilarity with the world. The working title is Stern Measures (of COURSE), and if Mickey Spillane hadn't died, surely this would've killed him: