In media years, it's been nearly two decades since former Page Sixer Jared Paul Stern allegedly attempted to extort billionaire Ron Burkle. The snails at the FBI, however, haven't forgotten. Last month, the investigation was referred to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales for final review; it would seem that he's approved further work on the case, as New York mag reports that Page Six editor Richard Johnson has been "contacted for questioning by a group that includes prosecutors from the Southern District and federal agents."

Apologies for yesterday's to-do list, in which we suggested that you head over to the Bubble Lounge for some free champagne and readings from a slew of gossip writers. As it turns out, everyone backed out of the event — former Postette Bridget Harrison, Dana Vachon, Elizabeth Spiers, and Deborah Schoeneman all cancelled, leaving only ex-Page Sixer Ian Spiegelman at the podium (assuming he showed up, if only for the booze).

If your long-term memory is not yet completely shot, you may recall that in April, during the rosy days of the Payola Six scandal, Zink magazine issued a press release reminding everyone that while alleged extortionist Jared Paul Stern sat on their masthead as a contributing editor, his work at the mag never "entered into the sphere of gossip" and, to their knowledge, he had not committed any major crimes while doing his work for the publication. OK, Zink — thou doth protest too much, but you need the attention so it's OK.

Quarantined from society in upstate New York, former Page Six-er Jared Paul Stern has taken up obsessive emailing, knitting, and, of course, blogging (so maybe we had something to do with that one). If you can ignore the usual Stern propaganda, he does take a discerning eye to the Times and notices that the Gray Lady sure does love to delicately dance:

The News reports that the findings in a federal probe into former Page Six staffer Jared Paul Stern's alleged shakedown of billionaire Ron Burkle have been passed along to Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez for final review. Passing the case along to Gonzalez suggests that prosecutors want to move forward rather than close the case, as they must obtain the "express" OK from the attorney general in order to arrest, interrogate, or indict any journalist.

FishbowlNY scores a small scoop today with Jared Paul Stern's "book cover concept," as designed by famous book designer Chip Kidd:

Yesterday the L.A. Times delivered its own let's-go-visit-Jared-upstate-and-hear-how-he's-been-wronged piece. And what does the paper tell us about the Stern homestead?

• Assuming Tom Cruise does eat placenta, he learned how to serve it courtesy of Vice. It's like Food & Wine for the flesh-eating hipster set, after all. [Viceland]
• How bad are things getting in the world of big-budget beauty pageants? Bad enough that Miss USA contestants are doing photo-ops Mars 2112. [Getty Images]
• The FreeJaredPaulStern blog, dedicated to saving the reporter from allegations of extortion, throws in the towel. Sometimes people just don't want to be helped. [FJPS]
• Another reason to fear bloggers. [CNN]
• Heeding the call of impatient burger lovers everywhere, Shake Shack gets its own webcam so that you can effectively time your visits for more efficient, heart-clogging consumption. [Gothamist]
• The legendary Algonquin Round Table gets the musical treatment; Dorothy Parker rolls over in her grave. [Reuters]
• We've no idea if this is legitimate, but downtown auteur Marc Ecko claims to have tagged Air Force One. Update: OK, not legitimate. [Still Free]
• Village Voice nightowl Tricia Romano comes clean about her swag, none of which strikes us as particularly enviable. [VV]
• Natasha Lyonne, pull your ass out of rehab and come pick up your shit. [CL]

Here's an interesting Payola Six detail we haven't adequately examined, published last Wednesday in the Times:

Ad Age Media Guy Simon Dumenco is, as always, angry. This time it's at Jared Paul Stern — who else? — and, interestingly, it's not that Simon is mad at Jared for his journalistic ethics or his crudely miscalculated shakedown attempt or his subsequent spin campaign. Simon is mad at Jared for his clothes — which Stern claims was the real reason he was asking Ron Burkle for money:

Realizing that perhaps an online poll is not even close to an accurate gauge of the general public, New York shoved a few interns out to Union Square, where they took a random survey of 100 pedestrians on matters of media, gossip, Page Six and fedoras. For those of eating, sleeping, and shitting in the clusterfuck, the numbers are a refreshing reminder of how much (or little) this stuff matters. That being said, we still think this story makes Darfur look weak.

Ahem. Well. That was interesting. Good news, though: It's over. Mommy and daddy are back now, kiddies, and everything will be all right. Comments won't be deleted or edited anymore. (In fact, we'll leave them entirely alone, like we always do — and, don't worry, JPS's habitual mendacity notwithstanding, they're as anonymous as ever.) We'll talk about things other than Ron Burkle. And we'll always remember that, whatever else happened in their interaction, and however scummy Burkle may or may not otherwise be, Jared Paul Stern is nevertheless on tape demanding the man pay him off to the tune of $100,000 up front and an additional $10,000 per month. So relax and enjoy the new good old days.

In a stroke of questionable genius from our otherwise-adorable management, disgraced Page Six staffer Jared Paul Stern will be guest-editing Gawker this weekend. Why? We don't know — those answers exist somewhere high above our pay grade. Nevertheless, far be it from us to punch in on a weekend to keep Jared away from the controls, so we suppose he'll be in charge of things until Monday. Do stop by and get your dose of Level Three protection.

And, you wonder, if Jared Paul Stern's clothing line is anywhere close to successful, why would he need an infusion of cash from any billionaire, whether one being shaken down or otherwise?

For those of you blissed-out under your rocks, last Friday news broke that Jared Paul Stern was being investigated by the FBI for allegedly extorting billionaire Ron Burkle. The resulting media tizzy since has suggested that Page Six is corrupt, Stern is a slimeball, and Burkle is a creepy control freak. All of which could be delightfully true.

As they are wont to do with even the most non-competitive of their competitors, today's Page Six happily summarizes the death of the Times' Boldface Names columns (and, we have to add, the tone strikes as a bit too gleeful given the current circumstances). They note that in editor Bill Keller's announcement, he made it clear that the decision had nothing to do with the "the bonfire at Page Six." Page Six writes:

• New York mag's sex columnist Amy Sohn spares us her return. Instead, she'll be writing in-depth features for the magazine on matters such as breast milk and bjorns, reasoning that "parenting is hot right now." Yeah? Tell that to our Ortho Tri-Cyclen, crazy lady. [NYO]
• A glimpse into Jared Paul Stern's future at Page Six: "Insiders say that Walter Ripley, currently serving a six-and-a-half-year sentence for racketeering, has been slowly moving in on the cigarette and pornography concession previously run by kidnapper George 'Two Thumbs' Theophilus." [McSweeney's]
• More on Ron Burkle's power in Democratic party. [Kausfiles]
• And even The Onion weighs in. [The Onion]
• MySpace is so dangerous, they've hired former federal prosecutor Hemanshu Nigam to keep the kiddies safe from internet predators. [NYT]
• The only Ann Coulter movie we'd ever see. [Towleroad]
• "JT Leroy" continues to write, albeit for something called Lemon. [FishbowlNY]
• Smirnoff will teach Brooklynites "how to do graffiti." Brooklynites, in return, will teach Smirnoff how to fuck off and die like the corporate whores they are. [Consumerist]

Shaken-down billionaire Ron Burkle has an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal — and shouldn't every federal investigation be exclusively carried out through the media? After Burkle maintains the Page Six has been out to get him, especially since he won't sell out his powerful friends, Burkle brings it all back together for us:

You have to hand it to the ever-blushing Observer — days after news broke that Page Six's Jared Paul Stern had allegedly tried to shake down billionaire Ron Burkle, and they still manage to delight us by sending Gawker alum Choire Sicha up to the Catskills for some cozy time with Stern and his wife, Ruth "Snoodles" Gutman. While Stern's working the press galore, the Observer wisely just lets the voice recorder run, resulting in some really revealing quotage. First, there's the delusional:

This urgent announcement is just in from the PR Newswire press-release service: