While most old folks would reward a query like, "Tell me about your fourgies, Grandpa!" with a sharp caning, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner is of a different breed. In his upcoming book, Mr. Playboy: Hugh Hefner and the American Dream, Steven Watts convinced the swinging octogenarian to open up about his earliest sexual adventures, including one aborted wife swap that led the mogul to seek out friendlier, more familiar partners. Says Page Six:

Sometimes two stories will come along on the very same day and reaffirm one of the oldest Hollywood clichés in history. Namely, that babe magnetism can be yours even if you don't possess looks, charm or gentlemanly ways. Provided, of course, that you have either money or music cred. With that in mind, we'd like to call your attention to two fantasy-worthy catfights brewing today. All kinds of manicured claws are out over the 80-year old borderline polygamist Hugh Hefner and the scraggly rock star Richie Sambora. Why four sets of fake boobs are rubbing up against each other (as Kate Hudson’s baby boy would say) and which contenders are looking like the early “winners” of the ongoing squabbles, after the jump.

We rarely like to take a mental walk down memory lane when it comes to the Most Nauseating Celebrity Hookups of all time, but news of the latest addition has unfortunately led us to revisit the grotesque list. We’ve already seen Liza Minelli and Phantom Of The Plastic Surgery Ward David Gest exchange saliva, Star Jones give Al an awkward lap dance and guiltily pleasured ourselves by witnessing wrinkly charmer Hugh Hefner and his thin lips attach themselves to the Girls Next Door. But after reading about one beach yoga-practicing, SUV-abandoning actor known for generally annoying everyone in Hollywood, and one scratchy-voiced “punk” rock chick known for generally hating everyone in Hollywood playing tongue twister in LA this past Tuesday, we may have a winner. The canoodlers in question, and just how far they went, after the jump:

Pictured center in white suit and sunglasses is Playboy magazine editor-in-chief Hugh Hefner, holding court on the West Coast's cleavage-friendly response to the Texas Polygamist Wives Compound. ("It's not. A compound. It's our hutch and it's our home.") He's surrounded by several generations of Playmates, gathered to celebrate the crowning of 2008's Playmate of the Year, Jayde Nicole (standing, in the purple milkmaid outfit). Hailing from Scarborough, Ontario, Nicole is just the latest in an illustrious line of Canadian superstar Playmates that includes Pamela Anderson, Shannon Tweed, and the doomed Dorothy Stratten—inspiring Frankie Muniz to recently quip that there must be "something magic in the maple syrup," as he made it in the grotto with a set of twins from Sault Ste. Marie. After the ceremony, guests were invited to join Hef on the lawn, where the former Playmate on the extreme lower right—the answer to what happens when you cross Loretta Swit with Cicciolina and a pneumatic air gun—lay on her back, treating everyone in attendance to a round of impromptu bouncy castle rides.

Hoary softcore porn peddler Playboy is asking women interested in being the Playmate of the Year to submit video auditions through YouTube. Of course, you're not allowed to disrobe on the popular video-sharing site, so according to the contest rules, no nudity is allowed — but two-piece swimsuits are encouraged. Four lucky ladies will get plane tickets to Hollywood were they will be photographed au naturel, visit the Playboy mansion and presumably have a chance to be fondled by Viagra-fueled nonagenarian Hugh Hefner. All the entrants sign over rights to their videos to Playboy. "Cyber Girl" Dana Dicillo demonstrates exactly how wannabes should "highlight their assets" after the jump.

Having long ago abandoned The Olive Garden for the more refined culinary delights of, say, Applebee's, we've clearly missed the churning sexual undercurrents reinforcing the restaurant's starchy, salad-y, working-class appeal. But nothing gets past Kendra Wilkinson, one-third of Hugh Hefner's Girls Next Door, who infamously swears by not only the OG's quasi-Italian staples, but also the pure hormonal power of its female waitstaff. As such, Playboy is inviting the restaurant's sexiest servers to take orders in an upcoming pictorial. While we don't necessarily expect the chain's Hooters-ization to make our grandpa's 90th birthday dinner any less depressing, we heartily recommend following the jump to observe Wilkinson's classy video solicitation ("My food's getting cold, so I gotta fuckin' go") to tastefully doff those aprons. If Hef's as good a tipper as we hear, we may be filling out an application by this afternoon.

Pamela Anderson is planning yet another small-screen comeback, but this time she's throwing out the scripts and going the reality route. The E! network —where they hand out shows to just about anyone with a sextape (or that sleeps with the boss)— is set to debut the half-hour Pamela this summer. The tagline? "The real woman behind the famous breasts" [Ed. Note - We would've gone with "The real woman behind the fake breasts", but that's just us]. As loathsome as this sounds, it's admittedly preferable to watching Anderson attempt to act (remember Stacked?), especially if E!'s cameras where there to film Pammy's behavior at Hugh Hefner's 82nd birthday party the other night.

We're fans of surprises here at Defamer, especially when they involve young female stars in bikinis. So when we came across these photos of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen in their itty bitty swimsuits on Egotastic, we were admittedly shocked. Considering all those years-old anorexia rumors, coupled with endless paparazzi shots making the tiny twins look roughly 80 pounds combined, we'd expect a somewhat fear-filled reaction upon seeing MK and Ash undressed. But you know what? Hugh Hefner may not have been crazy after all when he decided the twins would be ideal candidates for his next Playboy spread. Even if the camera does add poundage, we're seeing muscle tone and curves. Take a closer look at the full gallery, up close and personal, after the jump.

Has the Hef finally reached that age where he should start relegating his casting decisions to someone with, ahem, better vision? After understandably courting Lindsay Lohan to pose for Playboy following her NY Mag shoot (Note: we may have typed the phrase "following her NY Mag shoot" approximately 79 times in the last week. That's called a successful spread, people.), the robed golden oldie has now set his sights on none other than the collective 100 pound twosome that are Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. Having previously begged the then-plumpish-sized twins on their 18th birthday, Hef is still under the impression that "the twins are every young man's fantasy," according to a source at Ace Showbiz. Call us crazy, but last time we checked, women with the bodies of 12 year-old boys who dress like grannies ready to hop the bus to Atlantic City don't exactly set men's pants ablaze...

Though now ancient and doddering, Hugh Hefner is still the same old lovable lech he always was. The Playboy founder would like, in addition to Lindsay Lohan, the Jim Henson-fashioned Olsen twins (still acting Mary-Kate, who the fuck knows Ashley) to do a nude pictorial for the magazine because, according to an anonymous source, "Hugh thinks the twins are every young man's fantasy." Wait, really? I thought we'd moved on from that bizarre period of 18th birthday countdowns (Hef had originally courted the pair around then) and furtive, shameful New York Minute viewings. It seems that Hef may be a bit out of touch on this one. Am I wrong? [Showbiz Spy] After the jump, video documentation of the two sexpots Hef so pruriently craves.

Just when you thought you'd have to settle for one of those other 23837766992753 energy drink products that don't quite reflect your lifestyle, comes the news that Playboy is finally launching its own energy drink. It has that bunny on the can, and it has energetic ingredients, and it is called "Playboy Energy Drink." The company says it gives "customers a taste of the lifestyle that has always been associated with the Playboy brand." Mmm. So what does it taste like?

On last night's episode of Girls Next Door, Hugh Hefner's number two, Bridget Marquardt, devoted her week to getting toy spaniel Wenny a manager. And boy, was it hard! In just under five minutes (roughly the amount of time it takes to get Hef out of the tub), Wenny was signed to do "runway fashion, commercials and feature films." And we're sure the mutt's quick deal had nothing whatsoever to do with greasy-haired "agent" Nick's inability to stop sweating and smiling like a schoolboy in Bridge's buxom presence.

· Jamie Foxx signs a two-year deal to produce unscripted shows for MTV and VH1, with the first product of their new union being From Gs to Gents, a series "in which a group of men are given social makeovers in a bid to turn them into gentlemen," efforts that a guest-starring Foxx will entertainingly attempt to thwart by dragging them to nightclubs, pouring alcohol down their throats, and urging them to "make it rain" upon nearby members of the opposite sex. [Variety]
· DreamWorks/Paramount is discovering that they have their work cut out for them in trying to simultaneously sell an R-rated musical about a bloodthirsty British hair stylist to the different segments of the film's built-in, but hopelessly fragmented, audience. Potentially ineffective ads telling moviegoers "You've seen him flounce around on a pirate ship, now see him dance around the world's scariest barber's chair" to follow. [THR]

On general principal, we're not even going to read this story, because we can't risk having our cherished vision of the Mansion as Eden with Fucking—a magical, sex-positive paradise where priapic octagenarians can maintain basic-cable-friendly harems and B-list celebrities can get laid with no more effort than the flashing of a well-worn SAG card—tarnished by such allegations.

Brett Ratner will direct a biopic about Hugh Hefner. We assume he'll have lots of personal experience on which to draw. [Playboy]

Shortly after fainting from delight from reading the phrases "Brett Ratner is set to direct," "Brian Grazer is producing," and "film about the life of Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner" contained in the lede of today's Variety story on the progress of a Hef biopic, a quick-thinking intern revived us with smelling salts, allowing us to read about how Hollywood's most lovable fauxteur and its leading, newly single superproducer have come to team up on the dream project. Reports Var:

• He's cute, okay, but he's no Brad Pitt. [People]
  

• Tara Reid tells Us Weekly that her first round of implants was a "horrible plastic surgery that left [her] scarred." Having seen the evidence, we're going to take that literally. She also says that she's partied hard and her "body is tired." Having seen the evidence, we're going to take that literally as well. [Us Weekly]
• After getting decked by Travis Barker's ex, Paris Hilton ends their relationship. Pity. We really thought this one was going to last. [Scoop]
• OMG, Dr. Preston attacked McDreamy?! For our penis-bearing readers, that means that two actors got into a physical fight on the set of Grey's Anatomy. [R&M]
• Not even Viagra can help Hugh Hefner now. [Page Six]

Thanks to a personal note of apology from Hugh Hefner, the feud between Playboy and unwitting cover girl Jessica Alba has ended without litigation. Alba, you'll recall, was displeased that a promotional photo of her in full Into the Blue wardrobe landed on the magazine's cover, potentially indicating that she appeared nude inside the magazine, a career-resuscitating desperation move that still might be years away from occurring. Reuters quotes from Hefner's "my bad" note owning up to his publication's premature actions:

The Defamer Special Playboy Mansion Correspondent files this report on Saturday night's annual Halloween bash at Hef's place, where Paris Hilton stretched the limits of her creativity while the likes of Jeremy Piven and Bill Maher showed up sans costume, hoping to improvise something utilizing a "male participant in Misses March Through August orgy" motif. Sound a little boring compared to the Mansion's glory days? Did we mention that Frankie Muniz, Alan Thicke, and somebody from the Amazing Race were there? Sounds like (presumably—our spy didn't go snorkeling in the Grotto to check) absent Official Hollywood Playmate Inspector Owen Wilson was hardly missed: