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On general principal, we're not even going to read this story, because we can't risk having our cherished vision of the Mansion as Eden with Fucking—a magical, sex-positive paradise where priapic octagenarians can maintain basic-cable-friendly harems and B-list celebrities can get laid with no more effort than the flashing of a well-worn SAG card—tarnished by such allegations.

We're sure whatever controversy is being stirred up in the aftermath of Hef's recent Midsummer Night's Dream Party will quickly be resolved, well before it gets to the point where someone suggests the shuttering of the compound's legendary "No Means Yes" room, a beloved relic of a more sexually adventurous, less uptight time.