Botox shox! Stem cell freedom! Michelle my belle! Chronic fatigue! Fatigue of chronic! Chinese babies! Eat more veggies! Body blow! Body blow! Body blow! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—on our way out of town!

NYC's stressed! And obese! And un-restauranty! Vending machines kill! Personal trainers chill! Depression is ill! The dentist is for girls! Medical student hobos! Money and happiness! Punches in the nose! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, watching your health—degenerating!

Psychosis drugs! Botox drugs! Chimpanzee hugs! Diet drugs! Porno fugs! Malaria drugs! Teenage shrugs! And dementia drugs! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—and wealth, and knowledge of self!

PMS decoded! Neurosurgery! Stapled peptides! Ants on McDonald's! Eggs that kill! More smoking cancer! Chronic fatigue solved! And gluten-free crapola! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—consuming Wheaties by the barrel!

Tai chi benefits! Robot knee replacements! Breast surgery discussions! Wrinkle cream scams! Cross-eyed kids! Diet Coke pregnancy! Smoking in movies! Hyper-ass pesticides! And terror-ass terror birds! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—peckin' and puffin!

Scientists on vacation! Sickos on the internet! Studies on sex! Studies on babies! Smelling on Gladiators! Beets on drugs! Science on artichokes! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—five senses at a time!

During the summer, ice cream is a frozen indulgence that many people allow themselves without worrying about just how unhealthy it is. Here are the most fat-laden ice cream treats. The worst has more calories than three Big Macs. Fatty.

New Alzheimers test! DNA for cancer! Grownups with pediatricians! Questions about statins! Patella band analysis! The science of sleep! And belly fat of doom! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—or do we?

Healthy bullets! Healthy gay blood! Healthy weed! Healthy ticks! Healthy yoga! Healthy ketamine! Healthy magazines! And completely unhealthy sperm of the deceased! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—but not that closely, that's gross!

Obesity life stage suggestions! Safe vaginal birth! West Nile everywhere! Hep C hope! Strong like a garbage man! Dangerous like makeup! Deadly like fungus! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while keeling over!

AIDS safety! Breast cancer bad and worse news! Doctors who share! Mastering the world of dreams! And horrible sad facts of life! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while living (for now)!

Cholesterol kids! Weight loss drugs! Glucosamine failure! Skin cancer diversity! Proper sneeze coverage! And your daily milk needs, revealed! It's your Monday Health Watch column, where we watch your health: with supplemental protein!

Osteo danger! Fireworks injuries! Sleepy teens! Picky eaters! Ozzy columns! Obese necks! Gifted tests! And hair loss genes that want to render your body uncommonly smooth! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—one-handed, by necessity!

NYC supremacy! Teen girl craziness! Vermonster's revenge! Kiddie hypertension! Air bee science! Lying docs! Airline food! It's your somewhat scientific Health Watch, where we watch your health—upon a mountain of iced-cream!

Kid checkups! Organic fatties! Lazy docs! Sports carbs! Drunk teens! Rat Lungs! It's your predominantly factual Health Watch, where we watch your health—with the interest of a teenage girl amongst nerds!

California's Santa Clara County passed a law banning toys in food promotions, like those in McDonald's Happy Meals and will sue if the company doesn't comply. McD's says parents should swap fries for apple slices—with caramel dipping sauce.

Robot seal! Weed drugs! Dense breasts! Fat guts! Cartoon food! Chewing ice! And dogs with wondrous magical powers! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—anthropomorphically!

Crazy ladies fear AIDS! Vuvuzela dangers! Tuberculosis rampant! Cell phone radiation! Skinny blood! Skinny sex! Sexy diets! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while smearing ourselves with disinfectant!

Coffee science! Radiation danger! Sunscreen cancer! Nasty Kit Kats! Lap band death! And Gwyneth Paltrow's Paltry Workout for Palsy Patients! It's your health-filled Health Watch, where we watch your health—as Milo of Croton watched his!

Back fat! Artery gunk! Acupuncture science! Butterfly strokes! Bald death! Coke problems! It's your fundamentally important Health Watch, where we watch your health—assuming you're human, which we do!