Robot Seals, Cancer Dogs and Weed: Hospitals Are Great

Robot seal! Weed drugs! Dense breasts! Fat guts! Cartoon food! Chewing ice! And dogs with wondrous magical powers! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—anthropomorphically!

• Science's biggest advancement thus far: Paro the Robo-Seal, a plush mechanical device that provides superficial emotional comfort to the old and useless, so you don't have to. Now instead of taking care of the elderly, you can go smoke crack, or whatever you like, thanks to science. Do you see any trouble with Paro the Robo-Seal? Fuck no you don't, crackie!
• "Scientists" in the UK have "launched" a "cannabis-based drug," for some medical condition. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh IS IT CALLED WEED? Hahaha, sorry.
• Researchers now say that the density of a woman's breast is linked to her breast cancer risk. We would say more, but we used up our cheap joke allotment in the previous bullet point.
• Fat? Blame the bacteria in your gut. Yea, that'll work.
• Breaking, cartoon characters attract kids to junk food. Which is pretty surprising, based on the way that Joe Camel was strictly for adults.
• Do you have the urge to chew ice, constantly? It may mean that you have an iron deficiency. And that you have a frozen, chewed-up tongue.
• Dogs can detect prostate cancer. As long as it smells like bacon.