E. coli-infested food! Metal-infested drugs! Fancy-infected doctors! Whooping-infested coughs! Harlem-infested hospitals! And liver-infested poop! It's your lifesaving Health Watch, where we watch your health—while infested with wisdom!

Deadly sunscreen! Hooters fat! Soda hypertension! Vaccine kids! Dirty blood! Swimming babies! Swallowing batteries! It's your super-scientific Health Watch, where we watch your health—while developing firm opinions on issues too technical for us to grasp!

Email fitness! Dirt babies! Hamburger guilt! Asthma fat! Calorie cuts! Happy longevity! It's your Health Watch, where we watch your health—while eating 100-calorie Twinkies, which are good, but small!

Bullshit allergies! Rachael Ray eats in the cafeteria! Michelle Obama hates Happy Meals! Books are organic to eat! Dave Zinczenko does not speak English! It's your important Health Watch, where we watch your health—while sipping juice-like beverages!

Fat Qatar! Shortened lifespans! Jailbird junk food! Pot belly rights! Half of us are walking dead! It's your Health Watch, where we watch your health—if you buy us a hoagie!

Alcoholics! Sexy sexing! Cancer rodents! Cancer guidos! And fat people who can't remember your name! It's health watch, where we watch your health—with a poor bedside manner!

Dead moms! Body piercing! Fat baby diets! Fat drug diets! And somebody poking all up in your teeth, for your own good! It's health watch, where we watch your health—while getting our shine on, simultaneously!

Thalidomide and soda and Vitaminwater and Jesus H. Christ, the Christians are doing yoga. It's your daily health watch, where we watch your health—while sinning!

Scared of getting Alzheimer's? Just guzzle some "relaxation drink," eat a "horseshoe sandwich," and wobble on the Wii. You'll forget all about it. It's time for your daily health watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!

Are we sex addicts, or just terrible people? Are our obese children going to live into adulthood, or are we just terrible people? Are those eyelashes real, or are you a terrible person? Science has answers. Bad answers.

Drugs that kill! Hospitals that kill! Pregnancies that kill! These and other things that kill, in today's Health Watch—where we keep an eye on health (yours)!

Beer bones! Soda cancer! Money fear! Broken hearts! Happy marriage! Michelle O-fitness! It's time for your Gawker health watch, where we watch health—for YOU!