Fancy Surgery, Diets No Match for Good Old-Fashioned Cattle Carrying
Coffee science! Radiation danger! Sunscreen cancer! Nasty Kit Kats! Lap band death! And Gwyneth Paltrow's Paltry Workout for Palsy Patients! It's your health-filled Health Watch, where we watch your health—as Milo of Croton watched his!
- Here is the very latest listicle, from science, detailing the "Ups and Downs," heh, of drinking coffee. By my reading coffee keeps you alert, non-diabetic, and helps your liver, and the only drawback is you're probably too wired to read the rest of this listicle. Let's go, let's keep it moving.
- Guess where Americans get most of their harmful radiation from, the kind that kills you? From medical tests. Let's "x-ray" to see if you have bone cancer, hmm? Oh, you do now.
- Just in case you missed this one, your sunscreen is probably giving you skin cancer. Even if you hate the melanoma, you have to chuckle at the irony, while you're still alive!
- Miso-soup flavored Kit Kat bars? That can't be healthy, can it?
- Three patients died after getting lap-band surgery for weight loss at NYU Medical Center. It appears that being cut open and having a rubber band pulled around your stomach may not be as safe as diet and exercise.
- "Celebrity trainer" Tracy Anderson is getting ready to launch a new online fitness venture as a 50-50 partner with Gwyneth Paltrow, who she trained, for something. Hey Gwyneth Paltrow, I challenge you to carry a full-grown oxen up a hill. Despite all your celebrity fitness training, you can't do it, can you? But carry a calf up a hill every day from its birth, and as the calf grows and grows so will you get stronger until one day you find yourself carrying a full-grown oxen up the hill. That will be one million dollars, Gwyneth Paltrow.
