Popey roids! Sex at work! Sex placebo! High stress women! Foodie fashionistas! Fish oil doubts! Salty teens! And old people can get as high as they want! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—ecclesiastically!

Dog treatment! Nail chemicals! Tetris PTSD! Obesity bro advice! Birth control stroke! Exercise cancer! ADHD skyrockets! Protein benefits! Kids stress! Lady gout! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—traumatically!

A nutritionist stuck to a diet of Twinkies, donuts, Doritos, and other types of "junk food" for two months. He lost 27 pounds proving that it's the number—not quality—of calories one consumes that matters. Take that Jenny Craig.

Cheap drugs! Running spiritually! Whining patients! Catching lung cancer! Electro-trainers! Peanut allergy babies! Animal diseases! Outliving Brits! And the flu shot conspiracy! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while munching on whatever catches our fancy!

Dream diets! Asthma surgery! Concussion guidelines! Exercise colds! Depression reruns! Robot hands! Bluffer brains! And kitty kitty kitty cats cats cats! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while pandering to cute addicts!

Breast taxes! Cortisone effects! Toxic prisons! Glaxo whistleblowers! Manhattan noise! Personalized therapies! HuffPo quackery! And the Army vs. suicide! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with pharmacologically-inspired positive mental attitude!

You may be too old for trick-or-treating, but there'll still be ample treats around the office and at the parties you attend this Halloween. Here's the candy to avoid if you want to fit into your costume again next year.

Radioactive cancer! Marathon runners! Allergic Raisinets! Bad doctors! Deadly medicine! Teens fucking! Depressed moms! Tasty lungs! And whooping cough that never goes away! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—but only if that baby shuts up!

Helmet brains! Weird veneers! Teen pregnancy! Teen car crashes! Impotent fish oil! Blue Collar Yoga! Banana machines! Alzheimer's ladies! Laser faces! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—and it only hurts a little bit!

For anyone who wants to have a few drinks without getting too messed up, beer is always a good choice. But the calories! And the beer belly! Fret no more. Here are the healthiest brews. The winner will surprise you.

Sweat lodges! Tuna poisoning! Viagra dystrophy! Doctor impatience! Strength in adversity! Missing marathons! Alcohol benefits! Obesity costs! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—icthyologically!

Miner diet! Nutrition labels! Hispanic lifespan! Diet clothes! Broken backs! Dope drugs! And walking minds! It's your Thursday health watch, where we watch your health—and chew gum, simultaneously!

Twin discrimination! Sexing to success! Kiddie irony! Erasing wrinkles! Beating obesity! Late night fat! Insomnia menopause! Blindness progress! And bilingualism! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in English, y en Español (poquito)!

Prescription drug roundup! Binge drinking cancer kids! Cell phone food yakkers! Air pollution breasts! Recipe for divorce! Ironman goes soft! Football brain damage! Home dialysis! Cancer food! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—hazily!

Laptop burns! Pizza frequencies! Drug trial speed! Knife-throwing wonder! Drill-less cavities! Rabies alert! Minorities in science! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—so single-mindedly we scarcely notice the hot item roasting our poor flesh!

Fitness infomercial lies! Fat blasters! Exercise time! America's depression! Infant sleep killers! Low fat cancer! ADHD genes! And stupid cats are bad! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—from a safe, fetal position!

Unlimited health care! Avandia outlawed! Mammograms dismissed! MS pills! Safe sex banned! Fat Canadians! Overweight college girls! And scary AIDS facts! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while eating and sexing, all at once!

You can't have a hamburger without a side of fries. Heck, French fries are sometimes a meal unto themselves, but either way there's no getting around the fact that they're unhealthy. Here's a ranking of the worst offenders in America.

Distracted driving! Farmer's foods! Punjabi sports! Lifeguard texting! Halal beef beef! Free water! Greek yogurt! Cold virus obesity! And the indomitable spirit of the human soul! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with intervals of approval!

Superbugs! Libido lack! Depressed students! Football brain! Dumb food docs! Marines with cancer! Whooping cough! Headline minds! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—as best we can, through the fog of concussion!