Joe Jonas' relationship is a charade. Suri Cruise plays with penis candies. Jodie Foster is desperately in love with Mel Gibson. Thursday gossip is living a lie.

Courtney Love offers to "take a metal straw" to Kurt Cobain's remains. Charlie Sheen enters the t-shirt business. Gilbert Gottfried regrets his tsunami jokes. Joe Jonas swears he's not gay. Wednesday gossip communes with the beyond.

A pregnant ex-girlfriend materializes and turns Ryan Phillippe's life into a soap opera. A mystery starlet's cocaine video will make Miley Cyrus' bong "look like a Disney movie." A group of teen girls break into Justin Bieber's hotel room. Tuesday gossip has arrived.

Lindsay Lohan hyperventilates and calls the paparazzi "animals." Someone is selling a sex tape of Usher. Charlie Sheen misses his son's birthday party. Britney Spears reunites with K-Fed at her son's baseball game. Monday gossip sucks and blows.

• At the Nerd BBQ fest South by Southwest, some guy tried to take Jake Gyllenhaal's picture at the premier of his nerd thriller Source Code… while he was in the bathroom peeing. Ew, guy! Jake confronted the guy, who eventually deleted it. And of course, it being South By Southwest, the whole ordeal was live-tweeted: Wrote one guy: "Gyllenhaal apparently grabbed the dude mid-photo, threw him against the wall and was like, ‘are we really gonna do this right now?'" Clearly, Jake needs to take a lesson in transparency from James Franco, just tweets pictures of his (maybe) penis before anyone else has a chance to. [HollywoodNews]

• Mel Gibson entered a "no contest" plea to his charge of battery against Oksana Grigorieva yesterday and will receive no jail time. Mel was accused of hitting Oksana while she held their kid on January 6, 2010. Then there was the whole back-and-forth in the tabloids, the pictures of Oksana's battered face released, the authenticity of those pictured questioned, etc. etc. It was all for nothing! The plea allows Mel to maintain his innocence, while not exactly pleading "innocence." Now Mel will be forced to do 16 hours of community service for a group called "Mending Kids," and must stay away from Oksana, which he has to do anyway. So, we put an unhinged and violent man in contact with kids for 16 hours? Nice punishment. Meanwhile, Oksana's lawsuit against Mel continues unabated. [TMZ]

Charlie Sheen has a nice meal while the LAPD searches his house for firearms. Ashlee Simpson rebounds with her husband's friend. Monica Lewinsky is "still in love" with Bill. TGIFriday gossip.

Miley Cyrus snaps at a paparazzo. Christina Aguilera returns to the scene of her public intoxication. Lindsay Lohan prepares for her big day in court. Brangelina's children "turn violent." Thursday gossip wonders what Lindsay Lohan will wear to court today.

Charlie Sheen says he's "ready to call anyone for help," but is this just another senseless rant, or has his mania abated? Lindsay Lohan's maybe-stolen necklace hits the auction block. Amanda Seyfried gets Botox at 25. Wednesday gossip crashes into a deep depression.

Though we love her news anchor dad, we are worried about this young actress. Also today: let's analyze Suri Cruise for absolutely no reason, more exciting wedding news about the world's most important wedding, and Amanda Seyfried fesses up.

A young upstart named Gwyneth Paltrow is now embarking on a great adventure, specifically conquering the music industry. Also today: Justin Bieber's tweets grow up so fast, there are naked pictures of Britney Spears that exist somewhere, and Kate Middleton picks a dress designer!

• The Venice Beach jewelry store at the center of Lindsay Lohan's necklace theft case has sold the surveillance tape that purportedly shows Lilo stealing the $2,500 necklace. This will likely screw up the trial, but Entertainment Tonight's going to play the video on Monday anyway. They've already released a few teaser stills, where Lindsay is seen trying on stuff at the jewelry store. According to the video's official website (yes, it exists) "The tapes speak for themselves." Are theft tapes the new sex tapes? [Radar]

• David Arquette was involved in a head-on collision in LA and suffered a minor injured. Thank god someone was there with a cellphone camera to capture him sprawled on the ground seconds after the crash, then immediately send the picture to TMZ. "David is lying on the ground right now—bleeding" wrote TMZ. You can always count on good samaritans. Anyway, Arquette later tweeted "I'm fine," so we don't have to have a national convulsion over the fact that millions of people gawked at his tragedy while eating their Chipotle on lunch break. (PS: WEAR YOUR SEATBELT.) [TMZ, TMZ]

Penelope Cruz is perhaps not a fan of her brother's new girlfriend. Charlie Sheen may be in contempt of court. Zac Efron might have caressed a gentleman caller's hand. Friday gossip lacks certainty, but makes up for it with dirt.

Holly Madison recommends using "body makeup to cope." Lindsay Lohan tells her dad to STFU. Justin Bieber is sorry for flipping off the paparazzi. Willow Smith falls asleep at a meeting with Jay-Z. Thursday's gossip roundup has it both ways.

Christina Aguilera's mugshot wasn't supposed to be released, but here it is, anyway. Scarlett Johansson gives Sean Penn a lap dance with her foot. Montana Fishburne narrowly avoids jailtime. Wednesday gossip sneaks forbidden peeks.

Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend got sloshed, then arrested, last night. An actress names her children "Ptolemy" and "Winter." Leonardo DiCaprio trades "tender" kisses with a man. Tuesday gossip spent the night in a drunk tank.

Did James Franco enact the most satisfying zit-popping known to man after the Oscars? Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart make out on a dance floor. Bieber and Selena Gomez make love with their hands. Melissa Leo rather regrets dropping an f-bomb. Monday gossip is an Oscars hangover.

Charlie Sheen goes to extreme lengths to prove he's not on drugs. Natalie Portman wears a cheap dress. Lil Wayne gets searched. Inside Kelsey Grammer's emotional wedding. Sunday Gossip Roundup, coming up!

Charlie Sheen wants a big advance for his forthcoming tell-all book. David Beckham is actually Jesus, and he has a tattoo to prove it. Some Real Housewives kicked some ass in a bar fight. It's a greedy, seedy Saturday gossip.