Joe Jonas' relationship is a charade. Suri Cruise plays with penis candies. Jodie Foster is desperately in love with Mel Gibson. Thursday gossip is living a lie.

  • Joe Jonas' relationship with Twilight star Ashley Greene is a sham! But not because he's gay! Because he lost interest in Ashley weeks ago, say Page Six and Us. Why these they'd bother continuing to fake the relationship is unclear (better photo ops? nicer tables at California Pizza Kitchen?), but in Details, Joe described Ashley's charms thusly: "I think what works about it is she really puts my feelings first. She understands my busy schedule. She'll fly out to my shows—she's been to places in South America that I can't even pronounce." Maybe she just likes to travel? [P6, Us, Details, image via Bauer-Griffin]
  • Lindsay Lohan's theft accuser, jewelry store Kamofie & Co., apparently reached out to a literary agent to see if they could spin LiLo's criminal fiasco into a book deal. The agent's response: "You shouldn't waste any literary agent's time. Call the Enquirer if you want." Pretty sure they already did that. [TMZ]
  • When Selena Gomez met Justin Bieber, it was love at first manager-manipulated set-up: "His manager called my mom, who's my manager," she admitted on Letterman last night. "He's been in my life for so long. It's just nice to have someone that understands what you're going through." Fame-addled child stars: Comprehensible only to other fame-addled child stars, useful to other fame-addled child stars' managers. [Us]
  • Suri Cruise was photographed with a box of "Penis Gummies" in her hand yesterday, which she found on a shelf at the gift shop of a dessert restaurant she and her mother went to at midnight. Worry not, a paparazzo was present to capture the magical moment in which Suri takes after her father, gazing longingly at rainbow-flavored penises, mad with the desire to put them in her mouth. Someone in Katie Holmes' group ended up buying the penis gummies, but it's unclear whether little Suri was allowed to eat them, and what they would have told her they were if she did. (Rocketships?) In other news, Suri wore a red dress and Uggs on the outing. Katie wore a grey dress fluffy white shrug. [Daily Mail]
  • Jodie Foster is desperately in love with Mel Gibson, and consequently, the press tour for The Beaver is one long swoon: "He's so incredibly loving and sensitive, he really is… I knew the minute I met him that I would love him the rest of my life… know that he has troubles, and when you love somebody you don't just walk away from them when they are struggling… God, I love that man…" What if Jodie Foster isn't a closeted homosexual, but a closeted Gibsonsexual? For the love of a violent, virulently racist, rageaholic sadsack is the love that dare not speak its name. [THR]
  • Us Weekly compiled the Bible of Justin Timberlake attempted cheating incidents: Before breaking up with Jessica Biel, he hit on Rihanna, Ciara, Olivia Munn, Kate Hudson, Mila Kunis, and a "handsy waitress." Apparently the only ones who took him up on it were Olivia and Kate. [Us, Celebitchy]

Does Rob Pattinson know he's on the cover of British Playgirl? He certainly didn't pose for them. Maybe he'll sue them, like the time Jessica Alba sued Playboy for putting of her on their cover without her permission. Or maybe Twihards should storm Playgirl's UK office and demand refunds for this useless, sparkle-penis-less rag. Give us sparkle-grundle or give us death! [X17]

  • LeAnn Rimes on her new "scary skinny" figure: "I am completely healthy! If people only saw how much I ate." Time for a pasta-scarfing magazine profile! [People]
  • Kim Kardashian just hired her first personal assistant. I keep trying to imagine what that person will do, and ending up with the sad story of Khloe Kardashian forcing her assistant to buy her sex toys. [Self]