Now comes that portion of the broadcast where we break from our hard-hitting coverage of celebrity lingerie purchases and NBA ass-tastings to focus instead on what really matters: Bringing you, the lot-bound drone in desperate need of human connection, in contact with your perfect match. We turn to the always-fertile singles' mingling grounds of Craigslist for our latest bachelor offering, a pent-up fellow currently finding it hard to concentrate on his duties at Sony Culver Studios [NSFW] :

Ah, the blind item. Is there any other gossip variety that promises so much while risking so little? Damn you, Rush and Molloy, and your mystifyingly anonymous puzzlers, better suited for stenciling along a child's bookcase in a Yuppie House of Mysteries than for print. Nevertheless, out with your Blind Item Decoder Rings, everyone. It's now up to you, the endlessly clever membership of The Official Defamer Detectives Club®, to get to the bottom of The Case of The Gay Divorcé:

If you found yourself skipping over to the fridge for a glass of O.J. feeling refreshingly sanguine this morning, we think we may know the reason why: Today marks the first day since the historic overturning of the gay marriage ban that same-sex couples could show up to any county clerks' office in the state to apply for a marriage license and, in most cases, tie the paisley knot. LAist has photos of the couple who started it all by challenging the ruling, and, fittingly, were first to benefit at a traditional Jewish ceremony held yesterday beneath an all-orientation-welcoming chupah. A reader sent in the above photo of George Takei and his—OMGay! Husband!—Brad Altman, who showed up bright and early to West Hollywood City Hall to collect their marriage license. Takei told reporters, "Today we are all here to give flesh and blood reality to that ruling. We are going to make history. Congratulations to all of us and may equality live long and prosper." Still, gay leaders are cautioning their people to buffer their enthusiasm, the LAT reports:

Having now spent two consecutive summers curled up inside frigid multiplex screening rooms with champion switchblade-twirler Shia LaBeouf, it was really starting to feel as if the hot young actor was becoming part of the family. Which made it all the harder to watch a leaked video of LaBeouf partaking in a very real round of Five-Fingered Mexican Roulette—an extreme subgenre of backyard fighting banned in 50 states, five territories, and several Maritime provinces—in which he was heard to drunkenly goad his bromantic sparring partner with a dropping of the dreaded rainbow F-bomb. A pink-faced LaBeouf has now dispatched his right-hand flack to deliver this apology! exclusive! to E! Online:

When America was gripped by an outbreak of Brokeback Mountain spotted fever a few years ago—a rare condition characterized by an onset of involuntary gay-cowboy jokes and acute rose-stemming—more than a few of the afflicted (ourselves included) were visited by visions of high-kicking chorus-boys in a Brokeback musical. Now, reports Variety, our rhinestone-studded delusions are not only coming to pass, but they've even gone one gayer, with the commissioning of Brokeback—The Opera:

ABCNews.com has noticed that practitioners of Hollywood's dirty little secret—same-sex love—have become increasingly emboldened in recent months, perhaps spurred on by Supreme Court rulings and increasingly desperate shock-starlets hoping to nudge up their per-staged-paparazzi-op asking prices. Their investigative team have therefore taken it upon themselves to blow the lid wide open on the distressing, "gay celebrities leading their lives openly and happily" trend currently plaguing the industry.

We hardly think it would be an overstatement to suggest that California is currently gripped with a severe case of Gay Marriage Fever, a rare condition whose only cure is bearing witness to thousands of fabulously over-the-top, same-sex nuptials. On the heels of Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi's joyful announcement that they'd finally make official their loving halfway home to hundreds of our city's homeless mongrels, comes this AP report via ABCNews.com—the same news outlet who sensitively proclaimed, "Stars' Gay Marriage Possible Career Suicide" shortly following the ruling—detailing the whirlwind romance of newly engaged Hikaru "George Takei" Sulu and his totally hunkycakes fiancé, Brad Altman:

Everything is truly coming up roses for gay love in California this spring. The state’s gay marriage ban was lifted, Ellen DeGeneres got down on one trousered knee, and tonight, everyone’s favorite homophobic “comic” Jay Leno will put on his gayest face, prove just how much he adores boys who like boys, and attend an actual same-sex group marriage rally. As E! quotes the event’s spokesperson, “He said that he is from Massachusetts and that the sky did not fall in their state when marriage equality became the law of the land there...He wants to impress upon everyone here in California that the sky will not fall here either.” Yes, Jay. The sky will not fall on California, but we some interested parties certainly hope it falls right on top of you. More details on the event (get your fucking tickets NOW!) and the gay community’s reaction, after the jump:

Reports circulated yesterday claiming that OK! magazine was prepared to pay Lindsay Lohan the tidy sum of $1 million in exchange for the lesbian-starlet-romp world exclusive, "How A Tomboy DJ Named Samantha Ronson Opened Me Up to the Pleasures of Girl-On-Girl Eroticism and the Catchy Rhythms of LeTigre"— an offer the noted actress and furnapper was reported to have turned down. Now, an anonymous "source close to the [Lohan] family" suggests to The Scoop that Lohan may be second-guessing her decision:

Asked to assess their Daytime Emmy chances, straight-talking Gay and the City Mario Cantone pointed out for the ladies of The View that voting traditionally favors the lesbian nominee, effectively shutting them out of the race. Still, it wasn't too late to mount an 11th hour, for-your-team-swapping-consideration campaign; before long, the proceedings had devolved into a shocking, four-way sapphic hug-in orgy, the likes of which daytime TV hasn't seen since New Jersey Disney Channel-watchers accidentally glimpsed a portion of Anal Gang Bang Co-Ed Sluts #19. [The View]

As we established previously, little is happening movie- or industry-wise at the Cannes Film Festival; even Croisette-weary NY Times critic A.O. Scott is officially on the record now with his ambivalence about this year's crop. As such, we lead today's fest news round-up not with the general befuddlement over Synecdoche, New York or continued rapture around Che, but with the only story worth our consideration as the event slumps, thuds and dies until a phoenix-like restoration in 2009: OMG Is Lindsay, like, totally kissing Samantha Ronson? More press conference photos shameless paparazzi indulgence after the jump.

Who among us wasn't reduced to a useless, blubbering pile of lady-lovin' shmaltz upon learning from groom-to-be Ellen DeGeneres that she had asked for Portia de Rossi's hand shortly following the California Supreme Court's landmark same-sex marriage ruling? On today's show, presumptive Republican Party nominee John McCain stopped by to court its audience of all-important swing-dancers, and quickly found himself squarely in the crosshairs.

The recent spike in comics franchises and other superhero entertainment could soon take an especially fabulous turn if Perry Moore gets his way. The novelist and Chronicles of Narnia co-producer (pictured) blabbed to Vulture this week about negotiations to adapt his young adult novel Hero — about Thom Creed, "the world's first gay superhero" — for TV; Moore expects a deal with one of two unnamed networks any day now, but he isn't waiting around to affirm its credibility among gays, fanboys, gay fanboys, executives and myriad other demographic permutations:

Let there be no mistaking it—the National Enquirer owns the story of the disintegration of Jodie Foster's 14-year lesbian relationship to her beautiful Cydney. Now, their unprecedented access to the high-ranking Donettes of the Rubyfruit Mafia gives us another shocking exclusive: Foster has parked her U-Haul outside the home of Cindy Mort, the creator of HBO's stunt-cock popularizing, prosthesis-core drama Tell Me You Love Me. From their report:

The crowd—which including a wet-eyed de Rossi—instantly lept to their feet and cheered. After a rough year enduring the angry taunts of picketing writers, it's nice to see some harmony and happiness return to the Ellen set, with the only thing whipped at her face as she exits the building being handfuls of rice and blown kisses. All that's left at this point is to hammer out the event details—what is surely to be the most spectacular celebrity wedding of the year, with virtually no expense spared on the brides' custom-tailored tuxshedos and giant, Iggy-shaped ice sculptures.

This just in—an official statement from Rob Reiner on today's history-making California Supreme Court ruling legalizing gay marriage:

DING-DONG! DONG-DING! The rainbow-colored smoke has emerged from the chimney atop the California Supreme Court. The Court bells, each recently adorned with a giant portrait of Dave Beckham and Posh Spice, are sounding. For it's official! Same-sex couples in our glorious, seaside state have the right to be wed! We know you have questions, so we went directly to the Defamer special correspondent on Legal Fine Print Accompanying Totally Fabulous Rulings to answer them:
Defamer: So what does this mean?

Snapped at Cannes by Cinematical, it's the only known billboard for Jim Carrey/Ewan McGregor con-on-con gay prison romance I Love You Phillip Morris. At first glance, the tasteful campaign seems to be going for something like an Anderson Cooper Christmas card. A mere ten seconds later, however, the slats on the mechanized sign rotate, revealing a far edgier tableau of a Versace-clad and spray-tanned Carrey offering horsey rides to a bethonged and delighted Rodrigo Santoro.

It's difficult enough to note the end of another seemingly rock-solid Hollywood relationship when the two parties are willing to at least admit that yes, they were involved. But how does one go about relaying the sad news that a love is no more, when the love was never outwardly acknowledged in the first place? What's that you say? By ceasing to be such a busybody and allowing them to lead their private lives in private? But we simply cannot do that! This is Jodie Foster we're talking about—and her beautiful Cydney!

Our anticipation is great for Oscar-winning, Gays-friendly director Ang Lee's next movie, Taking Woodstock; based on the memoir by Elliot Tiber, it's the unlikely tale of a closeted guy working at his parents Catskills motel inadvertently responsible for mounting the music festival that defined a generation. (OMGZ! I CAN HAZ GAI HIPPYZ?!!!) How to make an already awesome and weird project even more awesome and weird? Variety now reports that comedian Demetri Martin is who Lee wants for the lead. With shooting set to begin in late August, and a greenlight from DreamWorks for his script Will, look for 2009 to be the year that the comic makes the seemingly inevitable leap from cultish stand-up and Daily Show correspondent to full-fledged movie star. It's also going to be the year that actor-comedians go gay on film, but hopefully Martin's portrayal will be a little more nuanced, and less spray-tanned and Versaced, than Jim Carrey's.