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Your Biweekly Stock Market Plunge Happened Today

Hamilton Nolan · 11/09/11 05:06PM

The cheap, rickety county fair clown car that is the US stock market took another nice little dive today: down 389 points, or 3.2%. Just your standard "Europe has no money left" fears. A decade ago this would have been considered a fairly horrific one-day collapse, but lately these swings of several hundred points per day have become as commonplace as the various Wall Street jokes which we are too sophisticated to make.

Facebook Removes Pro-Rape Pages, Kicking and Screaming

Adrian Chen · 11/09/11 04:21PM

Facebook has finally decided to delete gross pro-rape pages that violated its terms of service. All it took was two months, tens of thousands of petition signatures, dozens of negative articles and a massive twitter campaign.

Drugs Linked to Sex, More Drugs, Then More Sex

Hamilton Nolan · 11/09/11 04:13PM

Sodium diet! Obesity drug! Autism brain! Sickness debt! Exercise aging! Digestion difficulty! Drug sex! Fruit interactions! And a stern reminder to never trust those "doctors!" It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with malice!

Match the Quote with the Political Sex Scandal

Jim Newell · 11/09/11 03:17PM

It's time to play Match the Quote with the Political Sex Scandal! Why? Well, why not? The rules are complex, but surely you all can figure it out: You match the name of a political figure involved in a sex(ual harassment) scandal with one of his quotes from the time! See? I knew you could figure it out.

Infuriatingly Inscrutable Cartoonist Dies

John Cook · 11/09/11 02:55PM

Bil Keane, the creator of America's worst cartoon for sober people/best cartoon for high people "Family Circus," has died. Keane's anodyne, willfully unfunny and baffling cartoons led writer Daniel Radosh to ask, in reaction to the deaths of noted artists and celebrities, "Why Not Bil Keane?" God has finally listened to you, Daniel.

Sarah Jessica Parker Cannot Stop Touching Her Hair

Maureen O'Connor · 11/09/11 01:59PM

At an Australian event for I Don't Know How She Does It (Can you believe they're still promoting that movie?) Sarah Jessica Parker could not stop touching her hair. Noted: Sarah Jessica Parker is an Obsessive-Compulsive Hair-Toucher.

Insane Congressman Joe Walsh Screams at His Constituents

Jim Newell · 11/09/11 01:39PM

Is this the angriest interaction between a congressman and his constituents ever, or at least of the ones that have been captured on YouTube? Yes? Let's go with "yes." This is Illinois Tea Party Rep. Joe Walsh, a.k.a. Congress' Dad of the Year, just completely unloading on a couple of constituents at a recent town hall at an Uno pizza restaurant. The subject? Leave the banks alone!

The Days of Fun College Majors Are Over

Hamilton Nolan · 11/09/11 01:11PM

Allow us to explain something as clearly as possible to kids these days, because we, the internet, are essentially your parents now: college isn't supposed to be "fun" for you, any more. That was the privilege of every previous generation. Not you. Considering the economy's collapse and the the truly terrifying levels of student debt assumption necessary to buying a college degree these days, you're expected to choose a major that pays. "Exploring intellectual horizons" and all that horseshit was for others. Not you. See?

Glee: The Blue Balls Episode

Brian Moylan · 11/09/11 12:49PM

The internet was abuzz, positively abuzz!, that three characters on Glee were going to lose their virginity last night. Yup, it finally happened, but where was all the sexy? There weren't even any songs about sex!

Tom Cruise Discovers Himself During 10-Hour Sessions on Dance Floor

Maureen O'Connor · 11/09/11 11:38AM

Tom Cruise's Rock of Ages dance training was a revelation. Dr. Conrad Murray is on suicide watch. Amber Rose says Kim Kardashian totally banged Kanye. Pregnant Jessica Simpson "crave[s] cantaloupe like a crazy person." Tuesday gossip can't control its urges.