The cheap, rickety county fair clown car that is the US stock market took another nice little dive today: down 389 points, or 3.2%. Just your standard "Europe has no money left" fears. A decade ago this would have been considered a fairly horrific one-day collapse, but lately these swings of several hundred points per day have become as commonplace as the various Wall Street jokes which we are too sophisticated to make.

The Beverly Hills mansion where Michael Jackson took his last breath is up for sale. All of the spookily preserved pieces inside (including his death bed) are to be auctioned off next week.

Eccentric R&B singer R. Kelly has written an autobiography, and it's called Soula Coaster: The Diary of Me. Many have made fun of the title, but it's not all that absurd if you get into his thought process:

Facebook has finally decided to delete gross pro-rape pages that violated its terms of service. All it took was two months, tens of thousands of petition signatures, dozens of negative articles and a massive twitter campaign.

Sodium diet! Obesity drug! Autism brain! Sickness debt! Exercise aging! Digestion difficulty! Drug sex! Fruit interactions! And a stern reminder to never trust those "doctors!" It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with malice!

Poking, he gets. Friending, the verb, he invented. But Mark Zuckerberg is still a little unclear on the whole concept of a high five, as evidenced by the above photo from his visit to Harvard earlier this week.

Saturday Night Live alum Darrell Hammond has been talking a lot about the crazy amount of drugs he did during his comedy career. In an excerpt from his new book God, If You're Not There, I'm F*cked, he talks about how rehab can be even worse than addiction.

It's time to play Match the Quote with the Political Sex Scandal! Why? Well, why not? The rules are complex, but surely you all can figure it out: You match the name of a political figure involved in a sex(ual harassment) scandal with one of his quotes from the time! See? I knew you could figure it out.

As Russian authorities try to identify 29 mummified women "dressed as life-sized dolls" in the home of accused graverobber Anatoly Moskvin, the press is having a field day.

Bil Keane, the creator of America's worst cartoon for sober people/best cartoon for high people "Family Circus," has died. Keane's anodyne, willfully unfunny and baffling cartoons led writer Daniel Radosh to ask, in reaction to the deaths of noted artists and celebrities, "Why Not Bil Keane?" God has finally listened to you, Daniel.

At an Australian event for I Don't Know How She Does It (Can you believe they're still promoting that movie?) Sarah Jessica Parker could not stop touching her hair. Noted: Sarah Jessica Parker is an Obsessive-Compulsive Hair-Toucher.

In the wake of Brett Ratner resigning from producing what would have been History's Worst Oscars because he said "fag," should the Academy also be looking at what their host has said about gay people in the past too? Probably.

Is this the angriest interaction between a congressman and his constituents ever, or at least of the ones that have been captured on YouTube? Yes? Let's go with "yes." This is Illinois Tea Party Rep. Joe Walsh, a.k.a. Congress' Dad of the Year, just completely unloading on a couple of constituents at a recent town hall at an Uno pizza restaurant. The subject? Leave the banks alone!

As scrutiny of intra-protester violence and sexual assault at various Occupy Wall Street protests around the country increases, a man was found dead at Occupy New Orleans' protest site. He was apparently dead for two days.

Allow us to explain something as clearly as possible to kids these days, because we, the internet, are essentially your parents now: college isn't supposed to be "fun" for you, any more. That was the privilege of every previous generation. Not you. Considering the economy's collapse and the the truly terrifying levels of student debt assumption necessary to buying a college degree these days, you're expected to choose a major that pays. "Exploring intellectual horizons" and all that horseshit was for others. Not you. See?

The internet was abuzz, positively abuzz!, that three characters on Glee were going to lose their virginity last night. Yup, it finally happened, but where was all the sexy? There weren't even any songs about sex!

Here's the problem with Rick Perry's campaign: He and his SuperPACs have all this money, but no one really likes him anymore or has any interest in re-liking him. Where's all this money he duped everyone out of early on supposed to go? As of now it looks like he'll just keep saturating Iowa teevees with his same heartland-y ads over and over.

John Sieglinger, age 21, streaked at University of Southern Mississippi football game last weekend, and the worst thing that can happen during a streaking event occurred: He fell down. On his penis.

If you judged only by the news and crappy ABC Family movies, social networks like Facebook are used only by teens to cyberbully each other. But teens say people are meaner in the real world.

Tom Cruise's Rock of Ages dance training was a revelation. Dr. Conrad Murray is on suicide watch. Amber Rose says Kim Kardashian totally banged Kanye. Pregnant Jessica Simpson "crave[s] cantaloupe like a crazy person." Tuesday gossip can't control its urges.