Just when you think that this is America and yew better speak American if you wanna live here because my daddy worked hard to support our family and I don't pay taxes to support a buncha Mescans sneaking over the border to steal my hard-earned dollars and date my daughter, you read something like this: foreigners are making good solid American dollars—millions of 'em!—without even talkin' English like a real human. Is this that "socialism" they're always talking about?

This TV star is having trouble at work and at home because she can't stop cutting her arms. This teen superstar broke up with his girlfriend so he went off for some rebound sex—with a guy he met at a gay club. Hopefully there were no razors involved.

The most amusing things of all about the New York Observer are its comically repellent house editorials, which are dictated from on high by owner and Donald Trump family member Jared Kushner and are always, always hilariously right-wing in a way that stands out from the rest of the paper's content like a Trump in Zucotti Park.

A 50-year-old Croatian man had to seek medical attention after an explosive anti-aircraft shell that he'd inserted in his anus during some kind of sex game got stuck up in there. Sounds like somebody failed to think about the consequences.

Last month we told you about this brilliant, cutting-edge, edgy, ahead of the edge, razor's edge ad out of France for some "unbreakable" eyeglass frames. We gently noted that every last bit of information about who made the ad and where they would be during business hours every day was easily accessible online, should the Hells Angels be interested in those facts. Not that they would, what with their legendary sense of humor!

Here's a screenshot taken from the website of the Herman Cain PAC, which is "Making the American ...... DREAM COME TRUE" by blogging that Cain accuser Karen Kraushaar is an "ugly," "gross" "b1tch," and that other Cain accuser Sharon Bialek is a "fat bimbo."

On Sunday afternoon, 22-year-old Jorge Daniel Silva and his wife invited another woman over to their place for some menage a trois action. Hot! Except not, because Silva—who apparently has no idea how threesomes work—allegedly "freaked out" and ended up getting arrested on felony charges.

In this clip, a woman who appears to be an actual news reporter wanders around the Occupy Eureka (California) campsite asking random protesters if they "pooped and peed" on a local bank. Together the reporter and the protesters say the words "poop" and "pee" about 12,000 times—and all for naught, because we never actually find out who pooped and peed on the bank.

Extinction-thwarting punkosaurus Iggy Pop has been chosen as the celebrity spokesmodel for Black XS L'Excès, the new line of Paco Rabanne fragrances — for a man or a woman or an Iggy. There's a commercial on the way shot by music video director Jonas Akerlund, but in the meantime, we'll just have to settle for this arresting image of a shirtless Pop in spangly gold pants and a smartly tailored black blazer, offering us a bottle of his come-hither elixir. Who wouldn't want to smell like the King of Pop? [Woman's Wear Daily]

The "personhood" movement is a grassroots campaign in Mississippi that sought to pass a constitutional amendment defining a person as a "fertilized egg," thereby giving uni-celled beings a slew of valuable new rights that would make their elimination, via morning-after pill or what have you, tantamount to murder in the first degree.

It's been close to a month now since the world was captivated by the bizarre and tragic massacre of 49 exotic predators released from their Ohio compound and set loose into the general population. When three young locals, friends who gathered for a regular poker game, had heard the news, they instantly landed on the kind of dumb decision that could only be made amongst poker buddies after a few (or a lot) too many: They decided to check out the scene.

Visitors to the Drudge Report Tuesday evening were treated to the headline, "OBAMA'S NEW 'CHRISTMAS TREE TAX,'" accompanied by a photo of what would appear to be the president freezing a child solid with his Jack Frost breath so he could snatch away her tower of Legos. As breathlessly relayed in festering Fox News subsidiary Fox Nation, it's a chilling tale of a Commander in Grinch and his plans to steal Christmas via the levying of a tax on all Yuletide shrubberies. Why? Because he hates Christians, of course. (It might stem from the fact that Christmas always overshadows Kwanzaadan, and the seasonal magic of its ceremonial goat raffle.)

Much has been made of how universally reviled shrimping enthusiast Brett Ratner told a Q&A audience that "rehearsal is for fags" — a decision which would cost him a prestigious Oscars producing gig, and a lasting place in Academy Awards infamy. It's truly a revolting moment, best experienced firsthand. And good news — we've tracked it down! You can relive the "rehearsal is for fags" magic for yourselves in the embedded video below.

On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert praised Herman Cain for defiantly rejecting the notion he'd ever sexually harassed anyone, despite the existence of at least five accusers to the contrary. In fact, Colbert was so confident in Cain that he got out his checkbook and proceeded to write the campaign a check—until he heard one woman's detailed accusations, that is.

Just one year after getting used as Pine Sol by Republicans in the midterms, Democrats and progressives came back to score a bunch of victories in the 2011 elections—in particular, two important ballot measures in Ohio and Mississippi. Here's a roundup of election night news:

Last week, former New Jersey governor and ex-Goldman Sachs CEO Jon Corzine resigned from MF Global, the financial firm he founded and drove into bankruptcy. On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart reviewed Corzine's spectacular downfall step by step to show just how egregious Corzine's actions really were.

Here's Herman Cain's campaign manager Mark Block, who may actually be more entertaining than Cain himself, telling Sean Hannity (in that grave, stilted, get-away-from-the-shed-where-I-keep-the-bodies way of his) that he's "connected the dots" regarding the multiple sexual harassment complaints against his boss. "[Accuser Karen Kraushaar's] son works at POLITICO," he says to Hannity, who asks if Block has "confirmed that." (Uh, Sean? This is the Cain campaign? Do you really think that a Cain worker would get on TV and just make shit up?) "We've confirmed that he does indeed work at POLITICO and that's his mother, yes," Block says, apparently in reference to National Journal writer Josh Kraushaar. Who isn't Karen Kraushaar's son. And who, Politico insists, doesn't work for Politico. But they would say that, wouldn't they? [Politico]

Two senators introduced legislation to help Facebook further evade a 47-year-old SEC disclosure rule and take on a slew of new investors. Because that's the problem in America lately, you see: Corporations are too well regulated, and we know too much about the inner workings of large, heavily capitalized institutions.

Man, we've all been there, haven't we? So desperate for tacos that we crash antlers-first through our local Mexican joint's plate glass window, terrifying its poor employees before wandering dazed out back? Just a regular Sunday morning for us! And a sort of unique Monday afternoon for the Alpharetta, Ga. Taco Mac. (The deer lost an antler in the process but escaped otherwise.) [WYFF4 via HuffPo]

Denver Mayor Michael Hancock insisted that his city's occupation name a leader in order "to deal with City and State officials." And he got his wish! Occupy Denver has elected Shelby, a border collie, as its leader. Long live Shelby!