Even though New York First Mistress Sandra Lee is forever partial to Halloween—if you don't know why, do yourself a favor and click here to find out—she still made time to visit tonight's Late Night and prepare a Thanksgiving meal with Jimmy Fallon. And by "Thanksgiving meal," I mean "a gross-looking Bailey's martini and some cornbread stuffing with a can of Campbell's chicken rice soup in it," among other monstrosities. Aunt Sandy, God love her.

If, in the euphemistic police state in which we currently live, pepper-spray is a taco condiment, that would make tasing...what? A joy-buzzing compliance aid? Sure, let's call it that. Now can someone explain to me why Officer John Turner of Scotland Neck, North Carolina's police department felt the need to use a joy-buzzing compliance aid on an 61-year-old, disabled man with a hearing impairment who was riding down the street on a bicycle? Because that man is now dead.

Justin Bieber stopped by the Late Show this evening for a chat with David Letterman. At one point, Bieber noted that he'd been to "every continent." But after being challenged by Letterman to actually name each of them, Bieber was less than successful. See that, plus Letterman telling Bieber that a photo of him looks like Marie Osmond, in the above video.

The Amish beard-theft ring whose crimes shocked the world last October is now in police custody after the FBI raided their Ohio compound and arrested seven men in connection with the attacks. Hate crime charges have been filed.

It's Thanksgiving Eve, which means we here at Gawker are fully committed to bringing you as much sex, violence and cosmetology news as is fit to print. The pilgrims would have wanted it that way. How about a "knock-down, drag-out fight" at a Wal-Mart nail salon outside Atlanta — with video? Yes. We thought you'd enjoy that, sickies.

The voters of Derby, Connecticut thought they were voting James R. Butler to a second term as head of the town's Board of Apportionment and Taxation, which oversees the budget. But someone on the Democratic Town Committee put the candidate's name down as James J. Butler — which happens to be the name of James R.'s 46-year-old son. Well, the good news is that James J. won! But the bad news is that he has no interest in politics, and voters thought they were voting for his 72-year-old father. Now no one has any idea what to do next.

Joe Pressil, a 36-year-old from Houston, was somewhat surprised to learn that his ex-girlfriend had become pregnant just three months after the couple broke up, because she had always claimed she was unable to have children due to a medical condition. He grew even more surprised when she gave birth to twins, and proved via blood tests that Pressil was the father. Then came a receipt in the mail from somewhere called the Advanced Fertility Center of Texas, which listed Pressil as a "patient," and the realization of what had actually occurred at last began to set in: Pressil says he was the victim of grand theft semen.

What is Thanksgiving all about? It's about ringing in the season of conspicuous consumerism we call Christmas, right? So what better way to celebrate that than with a department store sponsored holiday tradition: The Macy's Thanksgiving balloons.

Today Anderson Cooper, the world's worst cook, had Jamie Oliver on his show to teach him how to prepare Thanksgiving dinner. As well as being a novice in the kitchen we learn he is unfamiliar with something else: rubbing breasts.

On today's episode of the 700 Club, not-dead televangelist Pat Robertson was intrigued by a snippet from his co-host Kristi Watts' interview with Condoleezza Rice. Rice said her favorite Thanksgiving food is mac 'n' cheese, a sentiment that Watts seconded. So Pat Robertson hears this, notes that the two ladies' skins have similarly high melanin levels, and asks, "What is this mac 'n' cheese? Is that a black thing?" It is! It grows on trees, in Africa.

Artist Clark Stoeckley has been reunited with his long-lost Wikileaks truck! Turns out it was at the city impound at Pier 79. Its battery was dead and two new traffic tickets graced the windshield, but is in fine condition otherwise.

Tonight is one of the biggest bar nights of the year as everyone returns to their suburban hometown and heads out to some skanky sports bar they wouldn't be caught dead in the other 364 nights. Then they drive home drunk and get a DUI. Tale as old as time.

Groupon just closed down 35 percent from the start of the week and, for the first time ever, below its initial public offering price. Most other big, recent tech IPOs are underwater too. It's time to admit the tech bubble is burst.

Ugh. It looks like we're going to have to press the famously press-able reset button all over again in our diplomatic relationship with Russia. But this time it has nothing to do with Putin pulling his sneaky Putin tricks or anything. It's because this news anchor appears to have to flipped off President Obama during a broadcast. What's the deal, mean old cyborg-Tilda Swinton lady?

All of a sudden, Lady Gaga is in full-on holiday mode. The singer just released "A Very Gaga Holiday," a four-song EP of tunes recorded live during her ABC special "A Very Gaga Thanksgiving," airing tomorrow night at 9:30 pm ET. Above, Gaga's traditional, Bing Crosby-esque cover of "White Christmas" – that is, until the pounding drums and laser synths come in at the 1-minute mark (no, that never happens, but she does come up with a new verse).

No, not the shitty old shack in the movie where Ben Affleck goes to pick up Matt Damon each day before work, except in that last scene because Matt Damon leaves to make something of himself. Not that house! Rather this is the house where Matt and Ben lived while they were writing the screenplay.

Justin Bieber and President Obama descend simultaneously on Manhattan tonight, for the second time in six moths. Coincidence… or conspiracy? Seriously: Has anyone ever seen Justin Bieber and Obama in the same room together?

It is America's finest annual tradition: The President of the United States, making small talk with wild animals instead of simply slaughtering them.

Aaron Sorkin says he's "strongly considering" making a Steve Jobs movie. Remember how the screenwriter transformed robotic computer geek Mark Zuckerberg into a villainous sex symbol? Just think what he could do to Jobs, an actually interesting person!

Just like the Macy's parade, horribly dry stuffing, and your aunt Joyce drunkenly yelling that she got bilked out of money after grandma died, our Thanksgiving Horror Story contest has become something of an annual tradition. So, please come and leave yours and let's all share the horror together.