As part of their ongoing investigation into Oneal Ron Morris—the Floridian fake doctor accused of injecting "cement, 'Fix a Flat,' mineral oil and super glue" into people's butts—police have arrested Corey Alexander Eubank, Morris's alleged assistant. Now both are unemployed.

We all know that the Smurfs movie ruins people's childhood memories, but does it also ruin people's very lives—namely, by leading them to reach frighteningly high intoxication levels in an effort to cope with its awfulness? "Yesssshhhhhh," traumatized mom Sarah Boushey might say, before sideswiping another car.

A protective grandfather received a complimentary pile of bloody paper towels as part of his Black Friday shopping experience, after police slammed him to the floor at a Walmart in Buckeye, Ariz. What did he do to receive this amazing offer?

What's the funniest thing about this video of people nearly rioting over a $2 waffle iron at Wal-Mart? Probably the bit where it embodies everything awesome about America, including a horrible economy, aggressive consumerism, mindless violence and a complete lack of concern for one's fellow human beings. And let's not forget internet rubbernecking and smug class hatred, sure to arrive soon in comments on all the finest sites on the web! Happy Black Friday, everyone! [@HurrAKAneCam19 via Short Form Blog]

Today, we give thanks to Brandon Gephart of Roseville, Calif., who, by having a seizure in the middle of Twilight: Breaking Dawn has given an actual, medical excuse to significant others everywhere who are doing their best to avoid the movie.

"The Romney campaign suggested that Gingrich was using the quote out of context." — Poor Mitt Romney, being misquoted like that! Too bad his campaign just said misquoting opponents is A-OK, as long as it gets people talking about Romney.

Lady Gaga poses nude for an American legend, and previews her next video. Jennifer Love Hewitt denies herself her favorite things. And a model is very mad about the release of her sex tape. Black Friday gossip is very serious at restaurants.

Sam Brownback, the Republican Governor of Kansas, is an enormous wussy mama's boy tattletale. How do we know? Because a member of his staff literally went to the principal when a high-school student Tweeted that he "sucked."

An angry (and strategic) shopper in Los Angeles pepper sprayed about 20 people trying to get X-Boxes 360 on Thursday night, sending at least one person to the hospital. In North Carolina, a shootout broke out at 2 a.m. outside a mall where shoppers had gathered. Yes—it's the most wonderful time of the year. Happy Black Friday, everyone!

In your careful study of the U.S.-Colombia Trade Agreement, you possibly failed to consider how such a document might impact the relative sex toy industries of the two participating nations. The short answer: It will be a mutually beneficial sex-industrial relationship.

Watch this YouTube of President Barack Obama delivering his Thanksgiving-themed weekly address and see if you can figure out what—or Who—is missing. tl; dw? Fine, then: It's God! He did not mention God, who made everything you should feel thankful for—if you believe in God.

Are you a fan of Parks and Recreation? Do you hate cancer? If so, then you'll dig this clever new PSA from DoSomething.org, which stars Aziz Ansari and Chris Pratt urging people to "Give a Spit" about blood cancer (and hopefully save a life in the process). So go spit all over them! I mean, if you're into that sort of thing. [via YouTube]

In the 1980s, 88-year-old California dreamer Bob Wallace invented Polar Pure: a plastic bottle that contains crystallized iodine at the bottom to purify water. Flood victims and campers love the things, but so do meth cooks (an outcome that Wallace probably should have anticipated).

While listening to Aunt Eunice talk about her recent hip surgery and watching Little Cousin Jaydenlynne text furiously over her plateful of unwanted peas, you slowly chewed your turkey and thought about American's politicians and pundits, and how they are spending Thanksgiving. Am I right?

When taking into account the fact we eat them for Thanksgiving every year, it's not hard to understand why turkeys seem to harbor disdain for people. But just in case you've remained unaware of the phenomenon, here are 10 videos of some angry toms and hens exacting revenge upon the evil carnivores among us. Happy Thanksgiving! (My mom would like everyone to know that this post was her idea.) View »

Scotty McCreery misses his cue. Brad Pitt wasn't always a tragically overweight, dumpy-looking urchin with a comb-over. Kim Kardashian exposes herself to The Poors and learns the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Today's Gossip Roundup is sitting on the couch with some turkeys, playing video games and eating pumpkin pie topped with mashed potatoes instead of Cool Whip.

Thanksgiving is the perfect day to cherish those people and things that enhance your life: your family and Facebook friends, your computer, your favorite website, and many other, less obvious things that you might be overlooking. Such as?

The three American students arrested in Cairo earlier this week for allegedly tossing back too many Molotov cocktails will either be freed from jail or have already been freed, depending on which news source defines your reality.

Earlier this week we learned that Iran and its pal Hezbollah had caught dozens of CIA spies who always met at a super-secret Pizza Hut in Beirut (using the super-secret code word "PIZZA" to communicate meeting times). Now an Iranian parliamentary leader says that 12 of the spies have been arrested and jailed in cells where they're fed nothing but bread sticks and water.

Finally, an iPhone competitor has figured out a way to, if not quite level the playing field, at least get a few cheap shots in at Apple's expense: This Samsung smartphone ad is extremely petty about the kind of person who waits in line to buy an iPhone. Easy target, surefire results. Will it help to sell Samsung Galaxy S IIs? Who cares! Simply by performing this very necessary public service, I deem this campaign an unqualified success. I'm totally going to text it to everyone I know on my iPhone! (Sorry, Samsung. Do I look like the kind of person who clips cellphones to my belt and uses a Dell Inspiron? Yeah, no. Our love affair ends here.)