Donald Trump's people are handing out wads of cash at the Barnes and Noble at 5th Avenue and 46th Street, right where it's needed most! Trump himself will appear at 12:30 p.m. (His hair will arrive slightly earlier etc. etc. har har.) [NYO]

When we last saw Donald Trump, it was at the Bridgehampton Polo Club. A stream of long thin bilious beauty queens trailed behind him. They were shooting a show for MTV called Pageant Place. In it, Miss Universe, Miss USA, Miss Teen USA and former coke-loving party girl Tara Conner, ex-Miss USA, learn to live, love and learn together. Well, learn not so much. It's kind of like 'The Hills' meets 'Gossip Girl' meets 'Kid Nation.' In this scene, Miss Universe is aghast to learn that you need photo ID to get on an airplane. Good thing she brought her sash! [Video by Slut Machine]

On the Howard Stern show yesterday, Donald Trump noted that, according to a listener, his daughter "Ivanka was dating a 'very rich guy—not as rich as me, but a very rich guy' from a 'real estate family.'" Translation: That is basically a blessing from the goyim for New York Observer publisher Jared Kushner! ("Rich"="good.") Anyway, that's exactly the kind of Trumpism that we imagine gets the hackles up on Jared's daddy, New Jersey kingpin (and good pal of gay American Jim McGreevey) Charles Kushner. But hey, the real estate union of Jersey Jared and Manhattan Ivanka is good for everyone for now—just like an arranged marriage between little empires! Though we still don't think it's remotely possible that Jared will ever marry the shiksa. Prove us wrong, you adorable lovebirds! We want to believe.

Donald Trump hates feuding with Mark Cuban because when Trump reaches into his trusty bag of invective and calls the combative Mavericks owner a "fat lesbian," it comes off more nonsensical than small-minded and cruel. [P6]

Donald Trump, that arbiter of good taste and sound judgment, is reviving his twice-failed namesake magazine in November with the help of upscale publishing house Ocean Drive Media Group. The last iteration of the magazine, Trump World, dispensed with staff payroll for the last two months of a brief, debt-filled existence under publisher Michael Jacobson and Premiere Publishing Group. "It's the third relaunch of a brand that dozens of advertisers won't go near, on a publication schedule that guarantees nothing can be timely or more than marginally detailed, being done for a man with no compunctions about screwing his licensees into the ground," a (totally disgruntled, for obvious reasons) former staffer told us.

Leaks continue to spill forth from Rosie O'Donnell's upcoming memoir, Celebrity Detox. And unlike the last batch—which offered the fanciful imagery of Donald Trump as both a scarecrow stuffed with U.S. currency, and a tiny, combforwarded garden slug—the pictures conjured by this latest excerpt were disturbing enough to send us running for our Cirque du Soleil brand inversion therapy swings. From The Insider:

With the flap fact-checking snafu now fully rectified, Rosie O'Donnell's Celebrity Detox is on course for its October 2 publication date, when celebrity memoir aficionados looking for something a little more substantial and less disclaimer-ridden than O.J. Simpson's If I Did It can curl up with a cup of tea and the angry musings of the disgruntled former co-host of The View. Page Six got their hands on a leaked copy, which contained a number of florid quotes about one of her favorite topics—l'affaire Trump:

Searching for Donald Trump in the VIP tent at the Bridgehampton Polo club isn't hard. The man stands out like he's written in all caps. TRUMP, says his hair. TRUMP, proclaim his slitty eyes. TRUMP, call out the plastic women who follow him around. One of those was women was the disgraced Miss U.S.A., Tara Conner. She was giving an interview to a reporter. "I'm in a 12 step program right now," she said, her manicured fingers seeming to wipe a tear from her heavily made-up eyes, "but that is off the record." Also there was a Miss Universe there and some other pageant title-holders—but Star Jones was banished to the periphery to make room for Trump and his Trumpterage. The hooves of galloping ponies on the polo field went "d-trumpity trump, d-trump d'trump." Amelia Bauer and I were there to document the Trumpsanity.

Here's Donald Trump on "Access Hollywood" doing what he does best: Offering his best wishes to Dina and Lindsay Lohan and insulting Rosie O'Donnell. Truly, he is the embodiment of our age.

Never one to squander an opportunity to jab his firing-pinky into longtime nemesis Rosie O'Donnell's neck wattle while evaluating her physical appearance, musing about a punitive sexual conquest of her life-partner, or delivering a stream of inventive, pig-related quips, Donald Trump delivered the insult value-add we've come expect from the savvy businessman in denying that he'd ever invited her on the upcoming celebrity edition of The Apprentice. He did, however, allow that firing her would be fun:

Perhaps seeking a little insurance in case NBC gets cold feet about renewing its vows with The Apprentice, Donald Trump tried to snuggle up to arch-enemy Rosie O'Donnell's ratings-saving bosom. FOXNews.com reports that, as part of a "celeb-driven season," The Donald offered the pigfaced mess a cool $2 million to work for 12 days on the struggling reality show about boardrooms, professional finger-pointing, and unnatural follicular biology:

As if the announcement that NBC would be adopting exiled, mad-as-hell-and-not- going-to be-manipulated-by-deceptively-adorable- gay-puppetmasters-anymore Grey's Anatomy doctor Isaiah Washington into the Peacock Family wasn't enough to tantalize the TV scribes huddled at today's Television Critics Association event, new network "cool dad" Ben Silverman will soon reveal that he's welcoming prodigal son Donald Trump, who's recently been busying himself with creating the world's finest, most luxurious line of buttocks-pampering office chairs, back into the clan. Reports TVWeek.com's TCA blog:

You read Us Weekly for the articles. You can't help but be interested in what Lindsay Lohan snorted, ran her car into or slept with this week. But, you went to college, you read the new Chabons and Lethems as soon as they come out! You're not a vapid person! Good news: Celebrity is not only a major driver of the economy, it's a subject worthy of academic scrutiny. University of Southern California professor Elizabeth Currid, PhD., explains the sociology of fame and pop culture.



Like most people who've lived in New York or Los Angeles for a while, I am no longer thrilled about running into celebrities for the sake of running into them. It isn't all that interesting any more, even though it's still amusing to remark, "I ran into Scarlett Johansson and she is so much hotter in person." (She so is).

Rosie O'Donnell's cruise line, The Angry Lesbian of the Sea, set sail again for the Bahamas, a prime opportunity for the outspoken comedian to delight a captive audience of 1500 vacationers with a brainwashing session comedy routine about her pet obsessions: Dumpling-cheeked neocon Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and swivel-chair branding whore Donald Trump. UsMagazine.com has the exclusive:

• Rosie O'Donnell had the last word on her View nemeses during a standup act on her cruise ship. Regarding Donald Trump—she would like to "break into his apartment and rub her belly all over him." Ha, awesome. [Us Weekly]
  

Real estate developer/reality television impresario/purveyor of high-quality mail-order meats Donald Trump has added yet another line of business to his relentlessly expanding, conspicuously branded empire, today announcing a partnership with retail monolith Staples to produce Trump Office™, the greatest line of luxury—yet tantalizingly affordable —executive seating this world has ever known.

The Apprentice, the ratings-challenged crown jewel of aerodynamically coiffed real estate baron Donald Trump's reality TV empire, is rumored to have been renewed by NBC for another season. [Reuters]

· Obsessed with honoring the possible end of The Apprentice by building the Greatest Trump-Branded Reality TV Empire In The World, Donald Trump follows up the recent announcement of Fox project Trump's Tramps with one for his new Pageant Place at MTV, which will document the descent of various Trump-owned beauty contest winners into Trump-upsetting drug abuse and bisexuality. [Variety]
· Fox is reporting its best-ever upfront ad sales numbers. Thank you, American Idol, for making everyone forget about a pretty disastrous Fall season! [THR]
· This week on the not yet canceled On The Lot: 2.4 million confused viewers tune in to see Carrie Fisher get sassy with a cute contestant, watch a horror film about a crazed, unlicensed tree surgeon let loose in an orchard full of blooming victims, and wonder why producers reversed last week's decision to show more of host Adrianna Costa's cleavage. [Variety]
· Wayne Brady will host the Fox summer karaoke game show Don't Forget the Lyrics!, in which contestants are challenged to—wild guesses, anyone?—not forget the lyrics when their teleprompters go dark. [THR]
· Crass commercialism threatens to destroy the creatively pure world of fake YouTube video diary series LonelyGirl15. [Variety]

Hoping to capitalize on the media attention being lavished upon the recent meltdowns of Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan, billionaire reality television personality and premium-meats magnate Donald Trump is developing his next surefire hit for the downmarket Fox network, perhaps worried that The Apprentice partner NBC's oft-invoked obsession with "quality" might hamper the execution of his vision for the just-announced Lady or a Tramp. (Barely rejected original title: Trump Sluts.)