The infinite monkey theorem postulates that, given an infinite amount of time, a monkey banging on a typewriter will almost surely produce the works of Shakespeare. Here is the Trump corollary: given an hour and 35 minutes in Iowa, Donald Trump regurgitating everything he’s ever said will accidentally quote Beckett.

Attention, American voters: make the right choice in 2016. Elect the candidate from the party the firmly vows not to raise your wages. Uhhhhhh.

Donald Trump is definitely not a racist xenophobe, he’s just a normal presidential candidate whose immigration plan would be modeled after an Eisenhower-era mass deportation called “Operation Wetback.” The real estate tycoon and seasonally appropriate squash made approving reference to likable Ike’s Mexican roundup during Tuesday night’s GOP debate:

Donald Trump, it turns out, may not be the Christmas Grinch we all thought he was. No, he’s something much worse: a heat miser with a heart of coal, but a façade as warm and tan as a plump Christmas goose.

Shriveled apricot and presidential candidate Donald Trump took the stage at Saturday Night Live on Saturday night, and he was every bit as bombastic and as orange as usual.

August Kreis III, a former Aryan Nation and KKK leader who once appeared on Jerry Springer to defend his white supremacist views, was sentenced to 50 years in prison on child molestation charges Thursday, Columbia, S.C. newspaper The State reports. Kreis’s message to the jury? Vote Donald Trump.

There are only several hundred more days until the 2016 presidential election—have you picked your favorite candidate yet? No? Well, perhaps it would help to imagine each one of them, who are all so confident that they should be the next person to run this country into the ground, as a dog.

Despite being a mere 169 pages long, Crippled America, the newest book from obscenely prolific author and current presidential candidate Donald Trump, is not an easy read. It becomes physically painful around page 11, when Trump is, ostensibly, explaining why he makes outrageous comments:

As Republicans continue to debate how they’re going to debate, one candidate has rejected the notion of collective bargaining, opting instead to negotiate directly with the networks he isn’t already feuding with. It’s Donald Trump, obviously.

“Life is short, art is long.” Someone said this once—I think Jim Cooke. But what about when art is round? Well, that’s a different story altogether.

Donald Trump knows beautiful women, no one can deny—but did you know he’s also a fount of beauty advice?

How did Donald Trump get his start? He did it the same way self-made American men have been doing it since time immemorial: hard work, bootstraps, determination, elbow grease, perseverance, and a tiny little pile of money from his daddy.

Cranial bee sting victim Donald Trump is a leading presidential candidate, despite the fact that he is clearly a stupid, racist clown. Can Donald Trump say anything too stupid to dissuade his own backers?

Donald Trump, a lint-filled navel seeking the Presidency, spared some words tonight for the big Joe Biden news:

As long as people believe that Donald Trump built himself up from nothing, does it really matter that he was in fact born rich?

You’ll never guess who Donald Trump thinks could have prevented 9/11. Just kidding: It’s Donald Trump.

It’s really not funny to bully someone on Twitter, you guys. And if you’re not careful, it’ll get you investigated by the Secret Service.

To the delight of anyone who still uses “Gyeorrrrge Buuuuuushh” as a punchline in 2015, an image macro containing an embarrassing quote attributed to Donald Trump has been passed around on Twitter and Facebook.

What do two (ostensibly) serious candidates for President of the United States do when they butt heads on one of the most significant and sobering moments in American history to date? They do the same thing all petulant teens do when they want to cause a scene—they take it to Twitter.

An Atlanta news radio host has been fired after he dusted off a years-old interview with Donald Trump and billed it as a new piece when it aired Tuesday.