We remember it like it was yesterday: We were 14 years old, and a reporter arrived to profile us for Tiger Beat. (Back then, there were no blogs, so we were editing a newsletter called Teen Defamer, and we'd just written a particularly provocative hitpiece on Joey Lawrence.) She asked us, "When you grow up, whose entertainment lawyer would you like to get an angry letter from?" It didn't take any thought; ever since we were old enough to figure out what a certain actor was pretending to do to Rebecca DeMornay on that train in Risky Business, the answer was clear: Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise.

· Screw Ovitz and his $140 million golden parachute: ABC and ESPN gives Disney's revenues a 16% boost. [Variety]
· Showtime's Weeds has a "modest" premiere, despite the fact that we've been barraged by publicity for the show. (Seriously, if we hear that ad that says the not-yet-aired series is "TV's most talked about comedy in ages," we're going to hurt a cute animal.) Guess you need a fat Scientologist to lampoon her cold career to make a debut on Showtime really pop. [THR]
· Adding legal insult to box office flop injury, The makers of 1979's Parts: The Clonus Horror are suing DreamWorks and Warner Bros, claiming The Island was based on their film. The litigants are seeking "unspecified damages and part of the proceeds" from the Michael Bay film. Will they take a settlement in rolls of pennies? [Variety]
· CBS's promotional wizards partner with Williams-Sonoma to target their fall schedule to upscale female viewers, offering promo DVDs and "original cooking segments with CBS stars" to W-S customers. The plan builds on a previous, hugely successful targeted marketing attempt involving CBS's biggest demo, CSI-branded bedpans distributed through selected retirement communities. Oh, their audience is so very old! [THR]
· More exciting CBS news: The net gives a mid-season order to the dramedy Love Monkey, starring Tom Cavanaugh and Jason Priestly. Did the twin Canadians test well with the upscale, espresso machine-buying ladies of Williams Sonoma? [Variety]

We'll leave the dry analysis of what yesterday's Disney victory in the Hollywood Trial of the Century means for corporate governance and executive compensation to people with "real jobs" who "understand what happened." We're satisfied to focus on the semi-human reaction to the landmark decision, as delivered in a heartfelt statement read by the lawyer of the trial's central figure:

Perhaps the best thing about Wild On Tara is its important role in international diplomacy. Without E! sending goodwill ambassador Tara Reid across the globe to establish hands-on relations with foreign dignitaries*, how can the world truly understand what America is really about?

After Saturday's humiliating BB attack at the hands of Britney Spears and her sharpshooting entourage, the paparazzi really needed this morale booster:

· In the latest installment of the "Public Square" lecture series, Hollywood Reporter editor-in-chief Robert J. Dowling and L.A. Times columnist/annual pilot season casualty Joel Stein will lube up and have at each other at downtown's California Plaza. In between falls, they may discuss Hollywood.
· Tuesday music situation: VHS or Beta at Vanguard; 22-20’s at the Troubadour; Helicopter Helicopter (with the best-titled band we've seen in at least a week, Pussy Cow) at the Echo.
· See what happens to people once Ashton Kutcher has had his way with them, as former Punk'd operatives Julia and Dana (who memorably made Rachel Bilson cry) put on a two-woman play about "horny divorcees" at Improv Olympic.

Moments after a Defamer operative snapped this picture of a poolside shoot for doggy clothes at the Standard yesterday, a hapless production assistant was drowned when the poodle vaguely suggested that its mocha frappuccino wasn't "frappy" enough.

The Hollywood Trial of the Century ended this afternoon in a Disney victory, with a Delaware judge ruling that while it certainly may have a been a pretty dumb idea for Michael Eisner to hire onetime "life partner" Michael Ovitz to help him run the Mouse, then give him a $140 million kiss-off 14 months later when the duo discovered that they would no longer cross a street to urinate on each other if they were engulfed in life-threatening flames, the nine-figure boner didn't constitute a breach of executive duty. Guess there's some kind of ten-figure threshhold where an "oopsie" becomes punishable negligence.

Since we noted the promotional auction of a "date" with the 40 Year Old Virgin a little while ago, the bids have soared from $51 to $4050. But did current bidder ladave323 realize that he wasn't betting on a chance to steal away an actual virgin's closely guarded virtue, just some premiere tickets? One reader raises an interesting question:

The following event (a reader spotted the press release over at the Franklin Avenue blog), featuring Entourage's Jeremy Piven and Hustle & Flow's Anthony Anderson reading their favorite erotica to an intimate gathering at Forty Deuce, is jointly sponsored by Svedka Vodka and Bad Idea Jeans:

After we posted about yesterday's LAT article asking some of Hollywood's deepest thinkers to explain the sudden Death of the (Awful) Action Movie, a couple of readers pointed out this piece from Zap2it.com, where The Island producer Walter Parkes nearly jabs himself in the eye in a flurry of finger-pointing. The Island's problems? A bad title and small actors:

Not even eBay, haven for the gray market exchange of items that may or may not have touched celebrities, is immune from the ideas of movie marketing visionaries, who've decided that "Hey, the kids love the online auctions, don't they?" and seemingly offered the virginity of a 40 year-old virgin to the highest bidder:

· Let us all rejoice at the further enriching of a faceless multimedia conglomerate! Even without franchise pictures like Harry Potter and LOTR, hits from New Line, Warner Bros, and Warner Independent (Wedding Crashers, Dukes of Hazzard, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, March of the Penguins, et al) have made a dandy summer for Time Warner. [Variety]
· Let us be gripped by profound sadness because of the financial misfortune of another conglomerate! Blockbuster more than doubles its forecasted loss, leaving investors to make frowny faces. [THR]
· ABC isn't sure how it will replace beloved, just-deceased anchor Peter Jennings, but World News Tonight with Peter Jennings will still bear his name for now. We can't decide if that's creepy or a touching tribute. [Variety]
· The Asian box office looks to King Kong's "800 pound gorilla" for salvation. This isn't some kind of weird cult, merely a recognition of Peter Jackson's track record. [THR]
· New Line tries to repeat the plucked-from-indie-obscurity-to-mainstream-visionary-hitmaker formula that worked with Peter Jackson and Lord of the Rings, choosing the little-known but highly enthusiastic Anand Tucker to direct the first movie in their His Dark Materials trilogy. [Variety]

Every young religious seeker goes through a crisis of faith. Why should Scientology's biggest prophet star, Tom Cruise, be any different? An exposé in the new issue of Radar details how Cruise rolled over the spiritual speedbump of cognitive dissonance (we picture Cruise kneeling before a bust of L.Ron Hubbard, praying "Please, OTR VIII, let this e-meter pass me by") on the way to becoming the world's most outspoken critic of Ritalin:

Saturday's BB gun attack against a paparazzi trying to get a photo of Britney Spears at a Malibu baby shower has touched off an interesting debate among residents of The 'Bu. What degree of celebrity retaliation against people trying to take their picture is acceptable? Is it OK to shoot a paparazzi? If yes, what's the maximum caliber of the firearm? If no, OMG, did you see how huge Britney is? Is it a boy or a girl? The LAT dives headlong into the controversy:

BoingBoing has a photo of a sign outside the Century Lounge strip club (near LAX) that quite clinically advertises its offerings. Unsurprisingly, there is outrage, what about the children? etc etc. But if the sign survives the hubbub, look for promoters to catch vagina fever and fly the slogan over every new nightclub in the glutted Hollywood scene. It's gonna look so cool in front of Cabana Club.

· In telling USA Today about her new E! show, Wild On Tara, Tara Reid makes an unfortunate comparison: "You're going to see the people and the country and events and things we do. I feel like Willy Wonka, and I'm taking you into the chocolate factory. It's a classy show." Please, if you're going to tour Reid's chocolate factory, wear the proper protective gear. We'll let her have the last word: "When people see this show, they'll say: 'We've been picking on this girl for 10 years for no reason. She makes everyone around her have a good time.'"
· Cinemocracy scours IMDb for trivia about political movies and discovers that Hollywood once considered Kevin Costner and Harrison Ford virtually interchangeable. (Try telling that to their agents now.) Also, there are 95 "fucks" in Bulworth.
· We're not going to take this Paris Hilton impersonator seriously until she releases a copycat sex tape. This isn't a cocktail party, darling.
· Only our therapist can explain why we find StuffOnMyCat.com so f'ing, pants-wettingly funny.

· Hipsters (oh, we know how Eastsiders love that word!) can commune in cover-free bliss at Band Night at the Ghetto Gloss gallery. If it turns out that you don't like performers This Song Is A Mess, Get Him Eat Him, and Bobby Birdman, at least there will be things on the wall to look at.
· Tonight's all-star Largo show with Patton Oswalt and Sarah Silverman is apparently all booked up for dinner, but if you line up early and look pretty (alternately, a "Don't you fucking know who I AM?" might work), you might be able to sneak in for drinks.
· We imagine that it's possible that some of our readers are Jack Johnson fans (oh, JJ fans, how we kid! We love his ultralaidback, radio-friendly pop stylings!); for them, we note his show at the Greek Theatre. For others, there's the free Monday night shows (as always) at Spaceland and the Echo.

With would-be action blockbusters The Island and Stealth bombing in consecutive weeks, it's time for Hollywood's greatest minds to stroke their chins and offer their ruminations on Why The Action Genre Is Flailing. While lower-wattage intellects like Michael Bay burn off precious brain cells in the process of commanding their fingers to point in every direction but inward, deep thinker Rob "XXX/Fast the Furious" Cohen mines the collective unconscious to formulate a larger theory about why this summer's audiences are shunning the cutting edge offerings of the blowing-shit-up genre:

When the NY Times starts asking about the negative ("travel blog"-borne) buzz surrounding your painfully hot, "if you're not drinking here tonight, you might as well be jerking off donkeys in West Virginia, Cletus" nightspot, you'd better put down the $25 mai tai, stop giving the finger to the hotel guest who wants to take a dip in the pool, and attempt an explanation.