· The New Beverly Cinema presents Jack Nicholson Movies You Probably Haven't Seen Night with a double bill of The Last Detail and Drive, He Said. With the Lakers out of the playoffs, maybe Jack will drop by and say hello to his younger self. Or, you know, maybe not.
· Music round-up: The brilliant Jon Vanderslice at The Echo; The Suicide Machines at the Troubadour; Regina Spektor at the El Rey.
· George Saunders (one of our favorite writers, if we may briefly gush) reads from his new short story collection, In Persuasion Nation, at SkyLight Books.

The powers-that-be at the reeling Paramount have devised a novel way of lifting the spirits of employees distressed by the apparent pall that's fallen over the Melrose lot following M:i:III's disappointing™ opening: by giving them the opportunity to spend two minutes and thirty seconds reliving the shock and pain of 9/11 tomorrow:

The mystery surrounding what band is offering a job to ousted American Idol contestant Chris Daughtry is now solved: A press release in our inbox confirms it's Fuel. (Which we predicted earlier, then quickly dismissed due to being promised a "major," "big deal" name.) So Daughtry now has a very important decision to make: Let a bland, radio-friendly hard rock outfit who haven't had a hit in half a decade ride his coattails back up the Billboard charts, or let 19 Entertainment repackage him as bland, radio-friendly hard rock solo artist. And while Daughtry has been candid about his disappointment in his post-mortem interviews today, it's the folks back home who just about break your heart. Reports the LAT:

Dismayed that previous attempts at strengthening public perception of his heterosexuality employing Teri Hatcher and a pair of Playmates backfired spectacularly, a vulnerable Ryan Seacrest stumbled into an even more misguided photo-op involving the conquest of yet another object of straight-male desire. As illustrated in the accompanying photo montage, Seacrest seductively approached the Stanley Cup, briefly pretended to be interested in what it had to say, and finding that his interest was returned by the starstruck trophy, gently rested his chin on its quivering lip while thrusting himself deep inside its silvery recesses. Once the flashbulbs subsized, however, the notoriously camera-shy American Idol host quickly retreated, mumbling something about not being able to handle the rigors of such a public relationship.

With Oprah Winfrey's Legends Ball airing Monday night on ABC, we will be offered a rare glimpse inside Oprah's Montecito home, where "25 legendary black women" (and 1 Mariah Carey) convened for a weekend of "You Go Girl"-themed mutual appreciation. USA Today notes that the Ball, along with that hour (minus commercial interruptions) of fury unleashed at disgraced book club exile James Frey, were milestones in a year that saw notable shift heavenward in Winfrey's public perception. Having graduated long ago from the lower ranks of mere talk show host to full-fledged life guru, Oprah—even her name sounds divine—is now America's spiritual shepherd:

· ABC orders up six shows in advance of next week's network upfronts, the dramas The Nine, JJ Abrams' Six Degrees, and Daybreak, as well as comedies In Case of Emergency, "TV warhorse" Ted Danson's Help Me Help You, and Notes from the Underbelly. [Variety]
· Meanwhile, NBC is expected to pick up Friday Night Lights, Raines, Heroes and The Untitled Tina Fey Comedy (code name: Fuck Sorkin, There's Room For Two SNL Shows) today. [THR]
· The Da Vinci Code's global "day-and-date" release next weekend will be a crucial test for Hollywood's new strategy of unleashing its product simultaneously on international populations softened up by a coordinated media carpetbombing. We predict total box office victory, especially in places that want to piss off Catholics. [Variety]
· Viacom posts a 9% drop in first quarter profits, a loss they tragically can't blame on Paramount, Tom Cruise, and M:i:III. [THR]
· Showtime is developing an hour-long biographical drama series on Billy Joel's life, Big Shot, but its producer insists that the show "...isn't a love letter to Billy. He actually is pretty insistent that we tell the whole story." Look for the series to demonstrate that commitment to the unvarnished truth by employing a framing device in which each episode begins in a bar ands ends with a different drunken car wreck on a Long Island road. [Variety]

• COINSLOTGATE: Did Lohan Use A Crack-Double? [Defamer]

According to today's LAT, rather than resort to the shrill protest tactic of picket lines manned by clergy armed with holy-water-filled SuperSoakers, some Christian churches have decided to take The Da Vinci Code's imminent, mass-market blasphemy and make blasphemy-ade. Upbeat, Da Vinci-themed sermons aimed at debunking the message soon to be delivered by cherub-faced emissary of Satan Ron Howard and spikey-haired incubus sidekick Brian Grazer have proved quite popular, and some progressive ministers have adopted even more modern techniques to head off the coming cinematic apostasy at the pass. Reports the Times:

There will be plenty of debate today in the country's middle-school cafeterias about just what went wrong for American Idol favorite Chris Daughtry last night, who in a stunning upset was voted off by the American public. (Or, as we have long suspected, a cabal of stringy-haired, English Idol producers with far too much at stake to let the stupid Yankee population decide such matters.) AOL has video of the moment; it's kind of like the ultimate snuff-porn for people who get off on watching other people's disappointment. And while we have our own theories as to why Daughtry was fated to be ripped away from Ryan Seacrest's grabby arms (four words: bald guy with sideburns), all is not lost for the rocker. TMZ reports a special surprise awaits him should he tune into Extra tonight:

Joel Schumacher and George Clooney might have made great strides by reimagining Batman as a rubber-nippled, impressively cod-pieced bondage queen, but we don't think the tag-team of Bryan Singer and the previously obscure Brandon Routh are quite up to the task of delivering Gay Superman until at least the second installment of the revived franchise. Still, it was quite generous of The Advocate to preemptively include the new, still-unproven Man of Steel in its Summer Gay Superhero Issue; placing his image above the names of established bigscreen homosexual presences like Ian McKellan and Kevin Spacey ensures that he won't be forgotten while he decides on the right time to come out of the phonebooth.

Joel Schumacher and George Clooney might have made great strides by reimagining Batman as a rubber-nippled, impressively cod-pieced bondage queen, but we don't think the tag-team of Bryan Singer and the previously obscure Brandon Routh are quite up to the task of delivering Gay Superman until at least the second installment of the revived franchise. Still, it was quite generous of The Advocate to preemptively include the new, still-unproven Man of Steel in its Summer Gay Superhero Issue; placing his image above the names of established bigscreen homosexual presences like Ian McKellan and Kevin Spacey ensures that he won't be forgotten while he decides on the right time to come out of the phonebooth.

· We have no idea how one goes about narrowing all the gay moments on American Idol into the three "gayest" ones, but these aren't bad choices.
· Finally, someone not contractually, financially, or religiously obligated to do so sticks up for Tom Terrific.
· Matthew McConaughey might just have a baseball book in him, as the national pastime inspires him to look up from his bong long enough to produce this poetry: "Look at the fans in Philly as the ball left Bonds' bat. Booing turned to oohing as the ball flew so strongly and longly upward and outward into the depths of the third deck. They stood to witness, and their jeers turned to cheers, as the man, Barry Bonds, who played for the other team, put a mammoth and unanimous steroid-free run on the board."
· Ross Johnson thinks that the Pellicano affair has jumped the shark.
· Al Roker singing The Facts of Life theme: You either want to see that, or you don't.

Portia de Rossi credits her girlfriend Ellen DeGeneres with having helped her overcome a life-threatening eating disorder:

· It costs hundreds of bucks to actually get inside the E3 convention, but the Into the Pixel art exhibition is free to the public in the LA Convention Center's foyer. You don't want to actually go inside, anyway. It's very noisy and there are skinny people wearing badges everywhere you look. [via flavorpill]
· Music round-up: Erasure at the Ford Amphitheatre; The Shore at the Knitting Factory; Angels & Airwaves at the Troubadour.
· National Lampoon and CollegeHumor lure Sarah Silverman and Dave Attell to their night at the Hollywood Improv. A "bar party" (don't we just call that getting drunk at the bar?) will follow, but if you get too close to Silverman, five bouncers will probably beat you senseless.

Pondering Tom Cruise's current standing with the American moviegoer makes us sad and tired. But do you know what makes us very, very happy? That's right: a gigantic image of Les Moonves in an innertube (which copyranter so generously scanned for us from a recent issue of Broadcasting & Cable) which remind us that a fresh round of colorful, Jeff Zucker-pummeling Moonves quotes from next week's network upfronts is just around the proverbial corner. Maybe this time the CBS folks will give us the punch line to that "a priest, a rabbi and Jeff Zucker go into a bar" joke and finally end a year of crippling suspense.

A USA Today/Gallup poll showing that Tom Cruise's "favorability rating" had tumbled 23 points since last year has induced some of the actor's best pals to scramble to his defense:

A Defamer operative weighed in with a full report from inside the E3 XBox party at the Tropicana last night, where gaming dweebs gawked at celebrity scene-whores while nearly naked Skank du Soleil performers contorted themselves on floating mattresses off in the distance:

It's an incredible relief to discover that despite the many physical problems that David Blaine incurred in failing to set the coveted breath-holding record, the part of his brain regulating the release of vital attention-whoring neurochemicals was unaffected by his extended stay in that flooded hamster ball.

· The USA Network announces that it's given Mel Gibson's Icon Productions the go-ahead to develop Peace Out, a MASH-like dark comedy miniseries about the Iraq war. There shouldn't be too much controversy surrounding the project, as Gibson's hasn't publicly disclosed his polarizing belief that the war didn't actually happen. [Variety]
· Not Another Teen Movie writers Adam Jay Epstein and Andrew Jacobson will write (with the help of the Lonely Island SNL faction and a team of thousands) and direct Parental Guidance Suggested, a sketch-based film in which Frankie Muniz plays a guy who finally gets his girlfriend to put out, "only to find she wants to take things much further, including farm animals and midgets." We've always secretly wanted to see Cody Banks fuck a chicken in the presence of a little person, so we couldn't be more excited. [THR]
· HBO is looking to pick up a one-hour "surf noir" pilot from crazed Deadwood genius David Milch and writer Kem Nunn, which should provide Milch with the fresh challenge of sprinkling his trademark "fucks" and "cocksuckers" in with a liberal amount of "dudes" and "bras." [Variety]
· Activision will open a dedicated studio on the DreamWorks campus in order to facilitate its work with DreamWorks Animation to properly translate the next fifteen Shrek sequels into video games.. [THR]
· Perhaps not realizing that Spain is not located within either Japan or Korea, Universal will remake the 1987 Spanish horror film Anguish. [Variety]

The Malcontent has video of the cast of Will & Grace's appearance on today's Oprah, talking about what it's like to end a long-running, hit series. Debra Messing offered that "it felt like I lost my last name," which must have been extremely difficult for the actress, having already survived losing a single "o" much earlier in her career. Oprah starts a question for the very-obviously-gay-to- everyone-except-himself Eric McCormack with, "Now, Eric, you're not gay..." which elicits whoops of "You're not?!" from his female co-stars. The married actor then rebutts with this anecdote: "I'm banging on [Debra's] door at the Four Seasons last night screaming 'I'm not gay!' Please!" Well, that settles that! Sean Hayes remains suspiciously mum throughout the exchange, though he opens up once the subject turns to shit: