Fans of late 1980s/early 1990s cinema classics License to Drive, Dream a Little Dream, and unforgettable the-hot-one-from-Charles-in-Charge-getting-naked masterwork Blown Away will suffer an aneurysm of delight from today's news that the producers of non-exploitative reality fare like Wife Swap have reunited Former Teen Heartthrobs Corey Feldman and Corey Haim for a Curb Your Enthusiasm-style series. Reports Variety:
Do you enjoy "blogs," but find that "reading words" sometimes induces dizziness, mild nausea, and the occasional, barely controllable urge to discharge firearms in the workplace? Then you're in luck! Today's launch of Gawker Clips aggregates the video snippets featured on Gawker Media's various worldwide blogging properties into one easy-to-find, company-branded location. But let the pre-approved promotional copy we've adapted above more clearly communicate these sentiments:
The Smoking Gun reports that Paramount is suing a filmmaker who shot a 12-minute movie based on some bootleg script pages from the studio's Nic Cage-starring, sure-to-be-tasteful treatment of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, World Trade Center. The copyright infringement claim even includes a helpful side-by-side chart illustrating the infringing material's unauthorized "reimagining" of the Oliver Stone script (excerpt pictured), which seems a little unnecessary considering the site where the movie was once hosted clearly labels the footage "12 minute movie, adapted from a bootleg script for Oliver Stone's soon to be released film World Trade Center." But in the interest of being reflexively contrarian: Nah, we don't see the similarity.
· Come on, don't act all disgusted by the above scan from Us Weekly. There's only a 39-year age difference, and James Woods couldn't possibly have known that he'd be porking her one day when he watched her play in the sandbox.
· Semi-blind item fun! "One was one of the most endearing, engaging gentlemen to ever step into a sound booth. The other was the most bitter, thankless dickhead to ever make six figures for a couple hours of 'work.'"
· Congrats to our drunken-jock-obsessed brother at Deadspin, who realized his lifelong dream of having a TRL host wear a t-shirt commemorating Chris Berman's favorite pick-up line.
· Good news! Donald Trump will get a seventh chance to try, and fail, to master the skill of reading from a cue card without sounding like he's reading from a cue card.
Bravo managed to take all the elements that worked so well for Project Runway, and reapply them to the world of food for Top Chef. Aspiring designers becamed cooks, dresses became dishes, runways became table tops, and robotic host Heidi Klum became robotic host Katie Lee Joel, Billy Joel's lovely daughter wife. And while Klum's stiffly delivered challenge instructions and "auf wiedersehen" contestant kiss-offs somehow always worked for Runway, Joel never quite managed to muster the spice required from a host of a dishy, backstabbing series set almost entirely in the kitchen. The Televisionary blog now reports that she won't be coming around for second helpings:
Some say that everything sounds better in French, but we have a feeling that when Samuel L. Jackson's pre-approved classic line, "I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane!" becomes, "Je ne veux pas ces putains de serpants sur la puriture de l'avion!"* it's going to lose a little something in translation.
ABCNews.com delivers on the serious, journalistic excellence their name implies with a fascinating slideshow, entitled "Bloated Stars: Vince, Luke & Leo." The gallery provides an array of pre- and post-bloat portraiture of some of Hollywood's biggest male stars (with a couple lower-rung Baldwins thrown in for filler). And while we're almost certain there's an undiscovered scientific principal to be deduced here directly relating the size of an actor's head to his asking price, we're too convinced that Stephen Baldwin's creepy "after" picture just gave us the born-again evil-eye to really do anything beyond shiver under our desks at the moment.
· Music round-up: T-Bone Burnett and Jakob Dylan at the El Rey; Morning 40 Federation at the Echo; Parson Redheads at Spaceland.
· Because the passion in our love affair with listing Zach Galifianakis comedy shows has not yet been extinguished, the Dog Bites Man star will be at the UCB Theatre with Paul F. Tompkins and Martha Kelly.
· The monthly RES screening at the Egyptian world premieres a new Sonic Youth video, and almost as importantly, offers an after party with free booze. And we know you love to drink for free. Not because you're cheap, but because you're an alcoholic.
In the grand tradition of the Fauxteur Fashion Minute, in which our readers offhandedly critique the sartorial shortcomings of some of the entertainment industry's hackiest directors, comes today's premiere installment of the Former Studio Head FashionWatch, in which the Defamer Special Correspondent on Retired Executive Outerwear offers ideas on how Paramount living legend Sherry Lansing and filmmaker husband William Friedkin might spice up their wardrobes:
Having exhausted virtually every personality archetype around which to build an hour of televised domestic disintegration, the producers of Trading Spouses are now turning to the heretofore untapped, stereotype-rich subculture of nerdy college professors. InsideHigherEd.com, a website for the tweed-and-corduroy set, will not submit without a fight, however:
Did we think that marriage number seven was the one that was finally gonna stick for swingin' superproducer/serial matrimonialist Robert Evans? Sure. Are we more than a little sad that Evans couldn't make this one work, even after ten months of trying to hang on to that crazy little merry-go-round we like to call love with all of his strength? You betcha, kid. But dry your eyes, bucko, 'cause Big Bob's not done with females, not by a long shot. He and best buddy Brett Ratner are ready to hit the town with the top down, looking for a couple of the surely dozens of lucky ladies out there with turbulent enough childhoods to find the prospect of heading back to the waterbed with "the guy who keeps talking about X-Men and his horny grandpa" more exciting than psychologically destructive.
We've learned not to necessarily trust all of the celebrity-related news flowing out of the current It-birthing destination of Namibia, but we've never been able to resist the lure of a shadily sourced report from the depths of the internets, especially one that suggests that not everyone in the African nation was thrilled to play host to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie:
· The Da Vinci Code is about to pass Forrest Gump as the second-biggest drama of all time after Titanic, though we should mention that the term "drama" seems to mean "any non-comedy not starring a Hobbit, comic book superhero, Darth Vader, Harry Potter, dinosaurs, Will Smith, Reese's Pieces-eating extra-terrestrials, or Keanu Reeves." [Variety]
· As noted earlier, Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson will star in the Paramount comedy Drillbit Taylor, about a "low budget solider of fortune" hired to protect some nerds from a high school bully. [THR]
· Reality TV production juggernaut Endemol gets started on its plan to destroy Hispanic culture by launching Endemol USA Latino, whose first order of business is making sure that Spanish-speakers have their own opportunity to shout at briefcases containing various dollar amounts. [Variety]
· Dan Rather is leaving CBS News after 44 years. We know that this probably doesn't mean anything to you, so for some perspective, imagine how you'd feel if Mary Hart suddenly stepped down from the Entertainment Tonight desk. [THR]
· Josh Lucas takes a second-banana role as an FBI investigator in Smart, based on the life of quirkly, germ-phobic GQ and Esquire magazine founder David Smart. [Variety]
No amount of tumbling, multicolor confetti seemed adequate to fully relay Disney's excitement over netting Brittany Murphy to voice previously-thought-to-be-mute Tinker Bell in her upcoming starring feature. Having already spent years honing her voiceover talents playing another animated blond—King of the Hill's aspiring cosmetologist Luanne Platter—Murphy will surely bring some of Luanne's spunky, slutty spirit to her new role as Neverland's mischievous Will o' the Wisp, while helping establish direct-to-video voiceover as a viable path back to Hollywood It-Girl status.
Tom Cruise has once again taken a break from the stresses of being the alternately proud and terrified father of a 50-foot-baby who must be concealed from the public at all times by throwing himself into his work. The actor is currently in Tokyo for the premiere of Mission: Impossible III, where he treated Japanese fans to the kind of death-defying promotional stunt he's already performed all over the world. During the premiere event, Cruise informed reporters that he hopes to have ten children, then once his trademark, uncomfortably prolonged laugh subsided, the beloved celebrity charged towards the throng assembled alongside the red carpet, scooped up an armload of confused Japanese children, and waved to the shocked crowd as he escaped in a getaway boat with his new, forcible adoptees. It wasn't until minutes later that the gape-mouthed onlookers realized that Cruise had no intention of coming back to shore to return the screaming youngsters to their parents, giving the cackling, Oscar-nominated abductor all the head start he needed to reach his waiting helicopter.
Those who've been watching Entourage because they enjoy the girl-crazy, high-fiving sitcom adventures of the pretty guy, the tall dumb guy, the shorter dumb guy, the somewhat street-smart guy, and the hyperactive, foul-mouthed guy in the suit are apparently missing out on the multilayered charms of the "cult" HBO series. Fortunately, the LAT has charged a UCLA professor with revealing the Hollywood-decoding subtext behind the moments when Ari Gold drops the name of a real-life movie executive while an indifferent Vince floats in the pool at the Standard:
Britney Spears' Dateline interview gave us a rare, publicist-unaltered glimpse into the vast, open plains of her inner consciousness, while shedding some much needed light on what exactly it is that she sees in husband Kevin Federline ("He's very simple...He's so simple...His simplicity..."). That would have been enough for us to declare him the catch of the century, but there's also the matter of K-Fed's tireless philanthopic work. A press release in our inbox announces a live appearance by Federline in Times Square tomorrow, standing alongside the anti-Federline, self-made billionaire Sir Richard Branson. The cause? Saving the penny "in face of its possible legislative elimination," an odd choice to say the least, though we suppose there's no one more appropriate than Federline to stand up for near-worthless space-wasters.
· "Production assistant: Lindsay, we need you right away. Lindsay Lohan: Oh my God! Don't talk to me like I'm some kind of normal person!"
· Soon, celebrity offspring will overrun all of America and the non-famous will be forced to flee to Canada. Leave now and beat the rush.
· Jerry Lewis is out of the hospital and well enough to ride on his yacht. We know that this information will help you sleep more soundly tonight.
· Halle Berry made good on her vague promise to adopt, and we discover what it feels like to have one's brain implode from indifference.
· Your side business in bootlegging this summer's blockbusters might be in peril, so maybe it's time to dust off those grad school applications.
