Us Weekly reports that Endeavor superagent Patrick Whitesell and local anchorbimbo Lauren Sanchez gave birth to their first child today in Santa Monica. "Both mother and child are doing well," reports Us, but makes no mention of the regrettable scene that transpired when the new dad was momentarily overcome by his agent instincts and tried to devour the tantalizingly fresh infant. Once the proud father awakens from his stun-gunning, he'll be allowed to view his son only via a closed circuit television in his holding cell until he can be trusted to be in the same room with the baby.

A Defamer operative stumbled home late last night and stayed conscious long enough to share this stunning photo and brief report about a little get-together following the Superman Returns premiere:

· Tony Soprano plans to meet with Paulie and Silvio in the back room of the Bada Bing, where he will tell them they're out of the their fucking minds if they think they're gonna shake down HBO for $200K an episode, ignoring Dr. Melfi's advice that he should try and see the dispute from the perspective of two character actors who are feeling somewhat underappreciated. [THR]
· Fox will launch almost all of its shows before the fall season "officially" begins, trying to get viewers interested in the series before they disappear for weeks because of the baseball playoffs. [Variety]
· HBO is in talks with "Everybody Loves" Ray Romano and 24 creators Joel Surnow and Bob Cochran for a comedy series in which Romano plays a billionaire with only six months to live. [THR]
· The MPAA and the the producers of football n' Jesus flick Facing the Giants are squabbling over whether the film received a PG instead of a G because the ratings boards finds Christianity too scary for small children. [Variety]
· The WGA East and West approve Constitutional amendments that will settle an ugly feud between the coastal factions without tragic gunplay. [THR]

As our friends in the Great White North have alerted us to approximately 7,000 times this week, Hollywood's Lil' Princess Tori Spelling made an appearance last Sunday at the MuchMusic Video Awards, billed as "the wildest music awards party in Canada." (Apparently the Junos have lost much of the unpredictable, rock n' roll edge they laid claim to back in Anne Murray's heyday.) At around the same time her father was smelling burnt toast and being rushed to an LA hospital, the reviled man-plunderer found herself just feet away from victim/nemesis Mary Jo Eustace (a Canadian TV personality and self-published author of the much-lauded book proposal, My Husband Left Me For Tori Spelling). Eustace claims Spelling had her ejected, citing a "restraining order," and Tori's later attempt to win over the audience very nearly resulted in them demanding her head on a hockey stick:

Today's Variety looks at ICM's failure to "energize" itself by turning the recent $100 million investment it received from investors back in October into some kind of concrete display of a new direction, like the acquisition of another agency or the purchase of solid-gold robot assistants for its partners, and notes that the massive cash-pile hasn't stemmed the loss of bigshot agents like Chris Andrews, who defected to CAA recently. As if the Agency Death Star needed an excuse to turn a rival's employee over to the Darker Side, an ex-ICMer explains why this poach could hurt a little:

If one were to amass into one volume every telling instance in which E! Network nancy boy Ryan Seacrest inadvertently opened his mouth and let a handbag fall out, the result, The Big Book Of Ryan Seacrest Sexuality-Betraying Slips, would be a gargantuan tome. Such scholarship would involve regularly subjecting one's self to the approximately two dozen broadcast showcases for Seacrest's inept celebrity interviewing skills, however, which we simply refuse to do. Luckily, The National Enquirer's Mike Walker can do it for us:

Sometimes a gossip item arrives so perfectly absurd and fully formed that it requires no embellishment, just our ability to cut, paste, and bask in its melon-mauling glory. From Page Six:

The action unfolded in Times Square, but wrong-coasted, media-whoring sister site Gawker was on the scene with our boss's video camera. "Man! I feel good about the penny. I love it," said one Kevin Federline, the most reviled househusband in all the land, at yesterday's Virgin Mobile-sponsored "charity" event to save the obsolescent coin. The onetime practitioner of the background-dancing arts then invited the world to text him at his ultra-secret cell phone number (310-876-4210, he'd love to hear from you!), and in an act of selflessness that very nearly shook free a tear from our eye (read: open weeping, with immediate phone call to Mom to tell her how much we love her), pushed the lion's share of this week's allowance through a slot on an armored car.

· Superman Returns' Kate Bosworth proves that a tastefully exposed, distressingly bony breastplate is a classic that never goes out of style.
· Why couldn't Cindy Crawford get into a party held at her husband's bar? We don't know why, but we expect that someone will launch a full investigation into the matter.
· Star Wars Transformers: We think our inner ten-year-old just had his first boner.
· It's nice that Cher has finally come out on behalf of safer helmets for our military, but that doesn't excuse her unacceptable, decades-long silence on this issue up until now.
· The LA Weekly's Nikki Finke presents a pretty comprehensive guide to why nobody in this town ever seems to be working.

In what must be mortgage-payment time around the law offices of Lavely & Singer, the firm has issued their second celebrity vs. gossip industry lawsuit of the week. The copiously worded, 14-page document, made available for download by TMZ.com, basically boils down to the following sentiment: "Dear Star Magazine: How dare you say I look fat enough to be pregnant?! I'm suing you! Love, Reese Witherspoon."

For the true warhorses of celebrity PR, there is no scandal so damaging (short perhaps of some video surfacing of their client dumping a duffel bag of hooker body parts over a steep embankment off Mulholland Drive) that its bad publicity can't be reversed. Charlie Sheen's reps, for example, seem to have been doing an impressive job of leaking favorable items to the press, but now it's time to move on to the more ambitious, second phase of their image rehabilitation plan. The Palm Beach Post's Page Two gossip column reports:

The MindValley e-commerce marketing blog posted this much-improved DVD cover for a pirated version of Good Night and Good Luck they found in Chinatown, which reminds us that for all of the movie's stylistic and political ambition, it was sorely lacking for a scene in which Edward R. Murrow unwinds by taking in a wet t-shirt contest. But more importantly, we bet that if just one maverick thinker in the Warner Bros. marketing department applied the lesson learned here to the Superman Returns campaign, the Gay Superman question could be washed away with nothing more than a bucket of cold water and a part-time cocktail waitress looking to pick up some modeling work on the side.

· Music round-up: The Twilight Singers (featuring the still-awesome Greg Dulli and Mark Lanegan) at Avalon; Keane at the Henry Fonda; Hello Stranger and Mighty Six Ninety at Spaceland;
· The Silver Lake Conservatory throws its second annual "Hullaballoo" fundraiser at the Edendale Grill, with Patti Smith, Joshua Redman, Flea, and students from the Conservatory performing.
· Learn about the subtle power dynamics between Mel Gibson and Danny Glover as the loose cannon poises to pull his uptight partner off that booby-trapped toilet bowl when Cal State professor Mel Donalson discusses his book Masculinity in the Interracial Buddy Film at Vroman's in Pasadena.

E! Online's Megaplex column ventured over to Hollywood Boulevard to interview two of the Captain Jack Sparrow impersonators who work the sidewalk in front of the Kodak and Chinese theaters, who should be seeing a serious spike in income once the new Pirates of the Caribbean sequel opens. We've excerpted a little from Sparrow Number Two, the more openly hostile and territorial Johnny Depp clone:

We at Defamer realize that there are many outlets where one can view clear, paparazzi-quality video of hotel heiresses demonstrating their ability to drive an SUV towards or away from a nightclub or promotional event. But we know that something magical happens when one of our readers takes the trouble to send us blurry, cameraphone footage of such a momentous event, and so we share this shaky video of Paris Hilton driving away from last night's T-Mobile Sidekick 3 party at the Palladium, in which she manages not to commit vehicular manslaughter or consume illegal drugs for at least 14 seconds. Please note in your diaries exactly where you were when you watched this clip, because we have a feeling you're going to want to remember it for the rest of your lives.

The individual responsible for contributing 50% of Tori Spelling's genetic material, 83-year-old TV producing titan Aaron Spelling, suffered a stroke over the weekend, a spokesman announced today:

Having turned out a handsome, if not record-shattering, third chapter to Paramount's Mission: Impossible series, J.J. Abrams has now been entrusted to reinvigorate one of the studio's most enduring franchises: Star Trek. the Insider's Marc Malkin reports that for his prequel vision, Abrams wants none other than Matt Damon to step in as a youthful, pre-toupeed Captain Kirk:

· The hands-down winner of the most intriguing lede of the day: "Few grown men get as fired up about princesses and fairies as Andy Mooney..." Also, "Magic blingdom" is a pretty amusing title. Is everyone at Variety totally high today? [Variety]
· Bloodthirsty CBS Corp warlord Les Moonves muses about taking baby-steps towards getting into the movie business, with an eye towards eventually crushing Viacom rival Tom Freston's Paramount product. [THR]
· HBO's Lucky Louie pulls in some decent ratings numbers after a week's worth of showings following its low-rated series premiere. [Variety]
· Natalie Portman and Eric Bana are in negotiations to star in The Other Boleyn Girl, a period drama whose lavish costumes will probably afford Portman yet another opportunity to avoid tastefully done cinematic nudity. [THR]
· News Corp wil expand MySpace into countries like France and Germany, where teenagers previously lacked a way to share their favorite Fall Out Boy songs in a web-based medium. [Variety]

We recognize that you probably didn't have the patience to sit through two solid hours of Anderson Cooper chatting with Angelina Jolie about her many, many charitable works, so we've helpfully condensed the overlong interview down to the only part you care about: when she talks about her kids. Jolie somewhat shockingly reveals that the birth of Shiloh has factionalized her brood—Maddox has embraced his new sister, while jealous Zahara is still suspicious of the baby. This crucial admission reinforces that Jolie's use of strategic adoption is to correct the undue influence of the the newly-formed Cambodian-Biological bloc on intrafamilial policy, not color-balance her children for the purpose of more striking People cover shoots.

It's no easy task getting inside the mind of your average, U.S.-loathing Islamic militant, much less talking them out of their missions of destruction. Newsweek.com reports that an LA-based production company, funded by a shadowy cabal of anonymous "mystery donors," has taken the somewhat counterintuitive route of producing a slick, Hollywood-style PSA that hopes to do just that. Shot in downtown LA, and intended for broadcast on Iraqi TV, the spot's producers hope its fancy, bullet-time effects will wow potential suicide bombers out of going through with their assignments: