The layman may look at an egg and see only breakfast, while the man of science may recognize it as a naturally occuring marvel of engineering. But only someone operating on a higher plain of consciousness—such as the TV marketing exec—could have the vision to see it as a blank, mini-billboard on which to print an egg-related pun pushing The King of Queens:
While falling far short of obtaining images of the world's most suspiciously unseen baby, paparazzi agency X17 thinks it's captured photographic proof of possibly imaginary infant Suri Cruise's existence by snapping a picture of a stroller in the shadows behind Tom Cruise's Telluride compound. A blurry, long-distance image of what may or may not be Suri's brightly canopied conveyance (yellow circle) hardly seems evidence of anything more than a Team Cruise drone's ability to shop in a baby store; in fact, we're inclined to think that the more easily identifiable cooler (red circle) is more compelling confirmation of the Miracle Baby's actuality; it's much easier to imagine Katie Holmes placing her alleged daughter inside the plastic box and wheeling her into town for a Starbucks run, secure in the knowledge that a cooler's insulated walls can't be penetrated by even the most advanced of paparazzi technology.
Enjoy the weekend box office numbers, the numerical representation of what Americans did immediately following their ceremonial storming of the Bastille on Friday:
· The Week in Disney: Pirates of the Caribbean does something pirate-like to earn the pirate equivalent of a lot of money...Lindsay Lohan and friends spend her 20th birthday hanging baked and upside down from The Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse...Bob Iger overheard asking his assistant why the motherfucking spellcheck doesn't include motherfucking A-list movie stars' names, then shoots Pluto.
· Suriwatch: A birth certificate is located, and after much scrutinizing, it appears to be genuine. Katie Holmes assures the world if the Surisquatch were to exist, it would be "great!"
· Doug Herzog finally calls out Dave Chappelle, and admits to having been perhaps a little too trigger-happy in censoring South Park's fun Muhammad-Hitler-George Bush three-way fisting sequence.
· We're not sure how a firetruck is going to help make Joe Francis' boo-boo better.
· Angelina Jolie now playing, not just adopting, outside her race.
· Adam Sandler and Kevin James ogle the manflesh of WeHo.
· Fanorexics unite!
· Michael Douglas' son lives the dream of anyone who sat through The In-Laws.
· Steve Guttenberg has Shabbos Fever.
· Miami Vice's new ending now features shot of Jamie Foxx's Tubbs running away screaming.
It's hard to pick out the most amazing thing about this Hasselhoff video: The Hoff's clinging to both his former Knight Rider and Baywatch glory, the incredibly bad production values, or the premise that he'd kick a hot piece of ass out of his car because she lives too far away would all make fine choices. But we'll have to go with the fact that KITT has been modified to European automobile standards so that Hasselhoff's German fans won't be jarred by the sight of the steering wheel on the left hand side of the vehicle.*
· Who are the hottest (by "hot," we're considering only their physical attibutes—who the hell cares if they can sell?) real estate brokers in LA? Curbed has the answer.
· Charlie Sheen must continue to stay 300 yards from Denise Richards, or the state of California will revoke his cheerleader-visitation privileges.
· Breaking! Kathy Griffin is a big c-word! Update: Kathy Griffin is not a big c-word because her publicist made nice with the angry internet man.
If Owen Wilson was indeed high for last night's Daily Show appearance to promote You, Me, and Dupree, he had a better reason than "It's Thursday night and they put a complimentary bong in my dressing room." Namely, to dull the pain of having to endlessly answer the question, "Have you ever had any Duprees in your life?" while trapped in press junket hell. A round-up of canned answers follows:
Friday
· Author Will Clarke signs The Worthy at Book Soup, his black comedy/ghost story about dead and murderous frat boys. Rumor has it there will be a complimentary box of wine on hand for those who make the trip.
· J.Keith van Straaten brings his "What's My Line? - Live On Stage" to the Burbank Hilton for a rare, free performance as part of the Game Show Congress. Panelists include Betsy Palmer, Sarah Purcell, Frank Nicotero, Stuart Shostack, and the obligatory, famous Mystery Guest.
Saturday
· The BLK/Mrkt Gallery hosts opening night festivities for a show of new paintings by Seattle's Robert Hardgrave and San Francisco's Casey O'Connell.
· Famous Celebrity Person Charlize Theron chairs the LA Free Clinic's "Extravaganza for the Senses" on the Fox lot, which will include such desirable activities as a silent auction, listening to music, and the eating and drinking of food and wine, respectively. [listing @ KCRW, see Sat. items.]
Sunday
· Ray Davies (formerly of the Kinks) at the Wiltern; Greg Graffin (of Bad Religion) at the Troubadour; Drums and Tuba play their drums and tuba at Spaceland.
· The Aero hosts a "Sneak Preview Family Matinee" of Monster House, and promises the attendance of movie-realted guests who are still TBA. You're hoping for Maggie Gyllenhaal, but you'll probably wind up with Kevin James, so prepare yourself for potential disappointment.
Having already destroyed homegrown hero James Bond with intimations that the new actor portraying him might not be man enough to fill the iconic tuxedo, the bloodthirsty British tabloids have turned their attention to humiliating the guy currently donning the cape of America's most recognizable imaginary champion. Brandon Routh and the Superman Returns team alighted in London this week for the movie's UK premiere, finally getting in range of the manhood-savaging ambush the press had been planning for the Man of Steel. Let the probably fictional, emasculating fun begin, courtesy of the Daily Mail:
Doug Herzog Has Some 'Splainin' To Do Day continues on Defamer, as THR notes that South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone used their time at the TCAs yesterday to unload on Comedy Central for pulling their Tom Cruise-teasing "Trapped in the Closet" episode from the rerun schedule because of pressure from the Viacom-cherished actor (Paramount's M:i:III was soon to be released), and for censoring an image of Mohammed they included in another episode. THR has CC head Herzog's reaction to these additional disgruntled employees:
PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the (most recent) time you saw Paula Abdul sobbing into a cellphone.
Welcome once again to the post where we interrupt our coverage of suspiciously unseen celebrity infants to offer a word of thanks to the people who send us money in exchange for placing tiny, unobtrusive advertisements on this site for products and services you can't possibly live without. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and join the online advertising revolution, see this page.
Satisfied that their nine-year Star Jones infestation has effectively been dealt with, the last of the festively striped fumigation tarps tented around The View's studios were dismantled by workers and the lady chatfest quickly went back to business as usual. Interestingly enough, the week following Jones' departure, which saw a rotation of guest hosts including Brandy and Susan Lucci, had some of the show's best ratings in years:
· Pirates 2 is ready to pass Spider-Man 2's one-week record of $192.1 million, and will likely pass the $250 million barrier by Sunday. Fans of corporate profits will now watch with baited breath as Disney eventually reaps a $400 million or $500 million gross for this wise movie-related investment. [Variety]
· Judd Apatow will produce the "buying booze for a party so girls will hook up with nerds" high school comedy Super Bad from a screenplay by pal/muse/actor/writer Seth Rogen, and the project will star everyone's favorite cousin-desiring Bluth, Michael Cera. [THR]
· William Morris president Dave Wirstschafter makes the Alicia Keys space meaningful (there's nothing like an ancient reference on a Friday morning!), as Disney signs up Keys' new vanity production company for a first-look production deal. [Variety]
· Gunshot-phobic Miami Vice cast member Jamie Foxx will produce and possibly star in The Power of Duff (count the minutes until that title changes starting...now), the story of a news anchor whose on-air prayers start coming true. [THR]
· Dirty-talking Insider host Pat O'Brien is obviously being punished for an unknown sin by his bosses, who are forcing the host to appear on three-minute interstitial spinoffs of his show on Showtime. [Variety]
The producers of Crash are suing one another again, this time over what one faction of the team believes to be the misleading promotion of the forthcoming Lifetime TV series Angela's Eyes. The LAT reports that Alpha Crashers Paul Haggis, Mark Harris, and Bobby Moresco feel that producers Cathy Shulman and Tom Nunan are deceiving the housebound female Lifetime-watching public by billing their new series as from "the producers of the Academy Award-winning movie Crash", and are willing to sue to stop the opportunistic treachery of a somewhat misleading credit:
Back in the late 1990s, when *NSYNC was at the height of its boy band powers, if you were to have told us that one of its members was gay, and it was Lance Bass, we would have patiently sat you down and explained how that was simply impossible. Nothing about Bass—not his frosty-tipped hair, his immaculately manicured brows, nor his fondness for crocodile skin couture—pointed "that" way. The rumors have followed him, however, and while some just seemed outlandish—that his space tourism attempt was just Phase One of a larger plan to develop the Moon into a full-service gay resort, for example—a consensus has developed over the years that Bass is indeed a Gay who's cautiously inching his way out of the closet. Most recently, he was spotted cavorting around Provincetown with former Amazing Race winner and Second Tier Gay Celebrity™ Reichen Lehmkuhl. ABCNews.com's Buck Wolf uses the opportunity to pontificate on the true nature of Gay: "Visiting a gay club doesn't confirm that you are gay," he writes, netting high points for journalistic integrity. (And he's right: Maybe a hetero Lance has landed a role in the fake gay fireman movie, too.) Until a reporter can say they were literally perched on the corner of a hotel room bed, scribbling notes as they observed Reichen vigorously ass-fucking Bass (c'mon, he's gotta be the bottom*), Bass deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Dave Chappelle has had plenty of opportunities to try to explain why someone might abandon a hit TV show in the middle of production and escape to South Africa, a move that resulted in the likely forfeiture of a $50 million contract and invited the world to openly question his sanity. Pity Comedy Central head Doug Herzog, who's had no invitations to tell his side of the story to Oprah, James Lipton, or Anderson Cooper. Knowing that his relationship with Chappelle was effectively destroyed by Comedy Central's airing of the "Lost Episodes" of Chappelle's Show, an exasperated Herzog, tired of months of questions about what he did to induce a schizophrenic fugue state in his network's most recognizable talent, finally got to return some fire at the TCAs yesterday. TV Week's blog reports:
Not surprisingly, Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" didn't say much during his Daily Show interview last night—the Stallion is a creature of majestic, beautiful deeds, not words. But at the onset of his chat to promote You, Me, and Dupree, Wilson seemed to be having so much trouble coaxing from his brain appropriate verbal expression of his Stallionness that a bemused Jon Stewart felt compelled to ask, "How high are you right now?" Wilson's resulting laugh and hypnotic swiveling in the guest chair gave us all the answer we already knew: Very, very high.
· What will the photos of Suri be worth? Not much! What do Tom and Katie have to say about anything? Not much! We really wanted to complete the Rule of Three with these "not much" links, but we're just too confused by this one to think up a way to finish the trifecta.
· What if the Banker from "Deal or No Deal" were Pat O'Brien? Everything in the world would be a little better, that's what.
Just a question: If we'd titled the earlier post today "Dead Buttons," would that have been in poor taste?
You know what? It is kind of funny when Chevy Chase calls his daughter a whore.
· The fictional character that Paris Hilton has created has decided to go on whore-hiatus (whoreatus?) for a year. So if you run into her at a club, don't buy her any drinks. She's not putting out.
