Monday Morning Box Office: Are You Tired Of Hearing About How Much Money 'Pirates' Is Making Yet?
Enjoy the weekend box office numbers, the numerical representation of what Americans did immediately following their ceremonial storming of the Bastille on Friday:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest—$62.186 million
As summer drags on, the increasingly obscure records keep falling before Disney's box-office-rapethirsty pirate ship: Be somewhat overwhelmed to discover that Pirates 2 now holds the arcane marks for best ten-day opening, fastest movie to $200 million, and biggest gross at the eight- and nine-day benchmarks. If you're a distribution executive, the litany of these shattered™ records has simultaneously loosened your bowels and engorged your genitalia with excitement and awe; if you're a civilian moviegoer, you didn't need to know this trivia to realize that $258.2 million is a "shitload" of money, especially for a movie that is essentially a two-and-a-half hour commercial for next summer's sequel..
2. Little Man—$21.7 million
Back in October of 2004, we were amazed that Revolution Studios would pay the Wayans brothers millions of dollars to make a movie appropriating the plot of an especially beloved, 50-year-old Bugs Bunny cartoon. Today, we are floored anew to discover that America spent more than $21 million this weekend to experience perhaps the only Wayans-related image possibly more disturbing than the brothers getting dolled up as whiteface trannies: Marlon's face digitally grafted onto a tiny body.
3. You, Me, and Dupree—$21.338 million
Imagine our surprise when we could find no takers to join us in reveling in Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson's latest cinematic undertaking, even after our impassioned pitch: "Come on, it's two hours of Owen Wilson doing the Owen Wilson thing!" Alas, we didn't make it to the multilpex, failing in our mission to salve the burns that the Stallion suffered on his gallop through the flames of junket hell with a ticket purchase.
4. Superman Returns—$11.62 million
We can't decide if Superman's $163 million take after three weeks was evidence that the new Man of Steel was too gay for America, or not nearly gay enough. But after watching Johnny Depp's sexually experimental pirate set all kinds of records in his two weekends of release, we're thinking our red-caped hero should've swished it up a little more.
5. The Devil Wears Prada—$10.45 million
Note to guys considering a trip to Prada for the wrong reasons: Anne Hathaway does not appear topless in this movie. For a sample of Hathaway's fine nude work, see Brokeback Mountain or Havoc.