Multi-hyphenate talent Jared Leto posed for a spread in Purple Fashion Magazine during what biographers will one day refer to as his influential Porker Period, when the doe-eyed pretty boy sacrificed all sense of vanity in the name of accurately capturing John Lennon's assassin in the Mark David Chapman biopic, Chapter 27. The results of those Fruit-of-the-Loom'd photographic sessions—as well as some shots of the remarkable transformation back to his emaciated self six months later—have found their way onto the web, and we delight in passing them along to you. After you absorb the initial shock, we think you'll find all the depth and fragility in those dreamy blue eyes to which you are accustomed, even if your enjoyment of listening to 30 Second From Mars is now forever tainted by the mental picture of their lead singer losing some of his most inspired lyrics by accidentally wiping Sloppy Joe off his chin with the napkin he wrote them on.

We officially apologize for scoffing at ABC's seemingly desperate plans to score a much-needed comedy hit by adapting Geico's Cavemen commercials into a groundbreaking sitcomfomercial pilot; when we made our ill-considered and premature comments, we had no idea that the potential show already has an installed fanbase so maniacal in its devotion to the hilarious ads that they're moved to undertake unlicensed merchandising activities, like this talking, insurance-flogging Neanderthal doll offered on eBay, to support ABC's bold vision. One hopes that the passion of this fan for original commercial Caveman John Lehr can persuade the network to allow the actor to reprise his role in the pilot, rather than dooming the project to failure by fitting sitcom albatross Mark Feuerstein for a full-body hair-suit and jutting prosthetic brow.

· Music round-up; Albert Hammond, Jr. with The Mooney Suzuki at the El Rey; Sam Phillips at Spaceland; Nico Vega at the Troubadour.
· Previous editions of Late Night Snack at Betalevel have included activities such as readings, the playing of banjos and guitars, and tarot card readings. Tonight's event will include (and we quote) "TRANSATLANTIC CHEEK BAG BREATHTAKING CLEAN SCAT BACKSCATTER INHALE GNAT BACKSCATTER INHALE." We'll leave it up to you to figure out if that's something you might be into.
· Comedy Death Ray at the UCB Theatre wrangles Doug "The Human Interruption" Benson, Andy Kindler, and Andy Daly for a night of guaranteed hilarity—or your $5 back, if you don't feel too cheap demanding the refund of such a piddling sum should you not enjoy yourself.

While the demands of running a leading Hollywood shark tank prevent Endeavor superagent Ari Emnauel from publicly sharing his myriad confusions, frustrations, and topical expressions of fraternal love as often as we'd like, we know that we can count on our blogging inspiration to deliver the kind of cutting-edge political commentary that's now synonymous with his Huffington Post byline when national events demand an immediate response by a representative of the entertainment industry. Blogs Emanuel in "The Clock is Ticking on Cheney," his near-instantaneous dispatch on today's Washington-rocking Scooter Libby news:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in like you mean it. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Drew Barrymore getting busy at the Golden Gopher with Henrik from Sweden's new arch enemy:

We suspect that the alleged rumor about a possible Fourth Installment of the Indiana Jones Adventures role that Calista Flockhart is attempting to control originated with an Extra reporter who suddenly ran out of questions about Brothers & Sisters after she exhausted, "So when is your new show on?", but we're sure you'll be comforted to discover (as we just did by reading the press release accompanying the above terrifying header and exuberant scare-subject-line: "EXTRA' Item - Calista Flockhart starring in "Indiana Jones 4"????") that the couple's age-inappropriate relationship will not taint prodigal movie star Harrison Ford's long-awaited return from the career wasteland he's been wandering in since the early 90s. Unfortunately, Flockhart's unequivocal denial of the rumor ("It's not true. He's way too old for me." So self-deprecating!) now threatens our favorite imagined Indy 4 plotline, in which the iconic, globe-trotting archaeologist embarks on a quest to retrieve the bread Jesus served at the Last Supper, a blessed carbohydrate that would allow his painfully skinny love interest to finally achieve a healthy weight.

Andy Cohen, Bravo's in-house executive blogger, has much to celebrate: Variety is reporting that he has finally made the leap to on-air talent he undoubtedly has been plotting since he typed the first sassy words into his BravoTV.com blog:

· ABC yanks once-hyped Knights of Properity from its schedule with four episodes yet to air, then compounds the indignity by replacing the series with reruns of According to Jim and George Lopez, which stings even more than a looming cancellation. [Variety]
· The post-Oscar The Departed love-in shows no signs of abating, with Martin Scorcese and Mark Wahlberg teaming up to produce an HBO series about the development of Atlantic City. [THR]
· ABC Television Studio signs Borat/Curb/Seinfeld/Entourage producer Larry Charles to a two-and-a-half-year deal to write and direct various TV projects, which we assume will not include an assignment to oversee their hybrid Geico Cavemen sitcomfomercial. [Variety]
· The MPAA's Dan Glickman says that 2006's 5.5% increase in movie ticket sales was a "reminder" that worldwide audiences "enjoy going to the movies," while a Slump-tainted '05 was "a clear message that we were putting out some pretty terrible shit." [THR]
· Bored former Disney CEO Michael Eisner tries to occupy his idle time by collecting baseball card companies. [Variety]

In the midst of life we are in death, the saying goes, and Entertainment Tonight has always been the go-to source for Anna Nicole Smith exclusives on both sides of that equation, guaranteeing you a front row seat for everything from C-sections to her interment. In today's "Graveside Exclusive," read all about estranged mom Virgie Arthur shovels multiple mounds of earth upon her casket (51 scoops, according to some eyewitness accounts), then, as they tastefully put it, "walks on her grave!" Should you want to pass along the dignified coverage to someone you care about, or merely trick a co-worker into believing the funeral's officiating minister was Mr. T, the "SEND TO A FRIEND" link directly above the grieving Arthur is a convenient click away.

Hollywood club attendance monitor TMZ.com has boldly supplemented its exclusive video coverage of Hyde's velvet rope-protected front door with the groundbreaking monitoring of its tragically underwatched rear egress, a secret exit so "ultra-exclusive" that only the town's biggest names are allowed to partake of its paparazzi-bypassing luxury. This increased effort to cover all access points to the establishment paid immediate dividends last night, as TMZ's cameraman caught a visibly ashamed Warren Beatty (those intermittent flashbulbs truly capture his embarassment) trying to discreetly flee the B-lister-infested glory-hole with which he'd rather not be associated. Now that Hyde's Passage of Shame has been compromised, its owners will be forced to come up with new ways to smuggle out its publicity-averse clientele, perhaps by constructing a series of underground tunnels that allow patrons to emerge from more respectable nearby venues, like the Sunset 5 arthouse theater, allowing slumming stars to avoid such humiliating incidents in the future.

According to the Panama Tourism Bureau, the go-to source for breaking news about Mel Gibson's career, the director's search for a location in which he can continue to ply his trade without the interference of the bedeviling Jews who denied his Mayan-language masterwork Apocalypto the Oscar recognition it so richly deserved has landed him in their fine country, where a refreshingly open-minded Gibson was even willing to hear pitches for his next project from Panama's leading crooner:

Because no activity is too mundane to escape our scrutiny when the main participant is the dreamy-eyed star of the nation's #1 unresolved serial killer procedural, we now direct you to Page Six's coverage of Jake Gyllenhaal's recent Bloomingdale's shopping excursion, where he applied the kind of obsessive attention to detail director David Fincher usually insists one devotes to the crafting of character backstory to the exercise of shopping for foundation garments:

THR reports that Scrubs star, occasional pop-star despoiler, and Burgeoning Voice of a Whiny Generation Zach Braff has reached a deal to ascend to the highest echelon of TV-actor remuneration: Charlie Sheen Money:

· Sadly, not even a special 100 Movies That Would Be Better If Marky Mark Starred In Them Issue was able to stop Premiere's circulation slide, forcing Hachette Filipacchi Media to shutter the magazine. Their website, however, will live on with all the fun bloggiebays and interactive pollamajigs that the kids love so much these days.
· Variety raids the Hollywood Reporter's newsroom.
· GHWB denies that the suspicious lacerations on his hand were caused by running it along Teri Hatcher's razor-sharp, bony ass.
· Ralph Fiennes transfers his membership in the Mile High Club to one in the Banging Four Broads in a Belgian Swimming Pool Club. Truly, this is a new hero for these uncertain times.
· If you've always suspected that Britney Spears is secretly a ninja with Real Ultimate Power, this is the website for you. [via BoingBoing]
· Now what fun is a Britney doll that you can't shave yourself?

While it's no secret that movies—especially the huge disasters—rarely go before the cameras with a director or producer's first choice in talent, it's always fun when the divide between a production's lofty, A-list dreams and disappointing B-list reality is somehow exposed. In presenting the highlights of producer Karen Baldwin's testimony in the ongoing, alternately messy and hilarious trial in which novelist Clive Cussler and Philip Anschutz's Crusader Entertainment are trying to determine who is most responsible for the historic bombing of Sahara, the LAT lays out how Paramount wound up in the thoroughly fucked position of having to spend $130 million on a Matthew McConaughey vehicle:

Occasionally, we'll find e-mails in our inbox addressed to specific celebrities from fans, pregnant women, aspiring screenwriters, etc., hoping that we have nothing better to do than to consult our famous-people Rolodex, and forward their correspondence off to the objects of their fascination/scorn/lawsuits. Our typical instinct is to file those in a special folder marked "trash." But once in a while, a fan letter is so touching, we feel it's our duty to publish it in the hopes of bringing idol and admirer together. Therefore, Drew Barrymore, we'd like to introduce to a very special, Scandinavian young man named Henrik:

· Music round-up: The original line-up of Winger (!) joins up with Metal Skool at the Key Club; Great Northern at the Viper Room; Low vs. Diamond at the Echo.
· Stephen Farber's Reel Talk film series screens The Namesake (starring Kal "Kumar of White Castle Fame" Penn) at the Wadsworth, with director Mira Nair on hand to discuss her collaboration with cinema's most celebrated tiny-hamburger joneser.
· Comedian/recovering nerd Opus Moreschi kicks off his "All New Year" project by throwing a Cool Kids Party at the 1160 Bar at the Ramada Hollywood Hotel, which we're told will include a number of DJs, party snacks, and high school-quality make-out games like Spin the Bottle and Fifteen Seconds in the Closet. (We were premature ejaculators.) And it's free! Well, not the booze, but maybe the making out.

According to the Sunday NY Times, nearly every entertainment industry power player with an offspring of diaper-soiling age is currently in the thrall of a tiny cadre of red-hot child-care coaches whose influence over the town is so complete that failure to register a pregnancy with one of its influential members results in the immediate confiscation of the unlicensed newborn, which is then mercifully drowned in the Pacific in an attempt to save it from a lifetime of abuse and neglect. Meet Hollywood's Baby-Rearing Mafia:

Saturday's annual Fake Purim festival at the Los Angeles Kabbalah Centre always promises a great time, where costumed revelers can pound Manichewitz and Red Bulls while stuffing their hammentashen-holes to their hearts content. Madonna and Guy Ritchie were there, opting for less controversial costumes than the year they showed up dressed as a nun and a Pope; instead, Madonna put together a 1920s flapper number, and Guy came dressed as a character from one of his very favorite movies, Officer Captured, starring Garrett. Not pictured: The parents chose to go the traditional route with newest Ciccone-Ritchie addition David Banda, dressing him up at the most extravagantly adorned King Achashverosh the Kabbalah Centre has ever seen.

Yesterday's Page Six offered up another poor review of ICM's new Century City headquarters, claiming that the agency's underwhelmed, Fiji-water-and-natural-light deprived staffers are quietly bitching about their cramped facilities, with their CAA Death Star envy becoming so acute that "embarrassed" agents have supposedly taken to conducting their dealings away from the office: