· Miami Heat center and Kazaam star Shaquille O'Neal will star in a six episode ABC reality series this summer in which he will help fat kids in Florida lose weight, explaining to them that it's only acceptable to carry around extra pounds if you're a multimillionaire basketball player who needs a protective layer of fat to protect oneself from the violent, uncalled fouls of undersized opponents. [Variety]
· Foreigners prove that awkward dubs or subtitles don't interfere with one's appreciation of Nic Cage's fiery-headed High Art, delivering Ghost Rider to a third consecutive weekend atop the international box office. [THR]
· The NAACP recognizes Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington with an Image Award for Best Actor in a Drama Series Whose Well-Publicized Episodes Of Troubling Homophobia We Will Happily Ignore. [Variety]
· Sony thumbs its nose at American moviegoers, announcing that Spider-Man 3 will premiere in Tokyo three days before its U.S. bow. On the bright side, jilted Stateside Spidey fans will probably be able to download pirated, camcorded copies of the movie a couple of days earlier than usual. [Variety]
· Fox's The Winner debuts in third-place in the 18-49 demographic, but scores first with its target audience of 32-year-old men who might eventually wind up molesting their 14-year-old best friends. [THR]

With Britney Spears is rumored to be occupying an "entire wing" of Promises Malibu (writes one incredulous reader: "There are no 'wings' at promises. It is a 3500 sq. ft. house with 3 bedrooms for 6 people with a pool house that they throw 4 people in, and a bedroom that hosts 5-10 staff members crammed in a corner,") scattered reports had Britney on an authorized furlough from the grounds for a 90-minute shopping excursion, and returning with her nose buried in a turquoise paperback. TMZ now has the EXCLUSIVE! details on Spears' recent $3000 online spending spree (feel free to immerse yourself in the complete, brand-whoring experience here). But could all this conspicuous consumption simply be a smokescreen for the dark events that are really going down behind Promises' walls? Citing pillar of British journalistic credibility News of the World, The Sydney Daily Telegraph reports about the alleged head-spinning and projectile pea soup coming from behind Britney's door:

Today's WSJ delves deeper into the decisionmaking process that led ABC to greenlight a sitcom pilot based on Geico's Easily Offended Cavemen characters, a daring move that pays homage to the runaway successes of advertising-to-TV pioneers like the California Raisins and That Talking Demon-Baby Who Gave Us A Solid Year Of Sweat-Drenched Nightmares. Disappointingly, the explanation of the project's genesis is heavy on jargon like "brand extension," "messaging clutter," and "media fragmentation," and light on more honest anecdotes involving comedy-starved network executives, smoldering crackpipes, and desperate three-day development binges that end with an exhausted VP pointing at the insurance commercial playing on a nearby television and saying, "Fuck it, let's just do a show about that":

Since his full-frontal breakout performance playing roving Kazakh cultural ambassador Borat Sagdiyev's long-suffering producer Azamat Bagatov in the Borat movie, self-described "day player" Ken Davitian has now officially graduated from "get me a fat Armenian-looking dude" Central Casting parts to becoming a bankable, sought-after talent in his own right. Davitian has just signed on to play the evil sidekick in the Get Smart movie:

Our source on the "inside" at the Dakota (who could, let's bear in mind, be pulling all this stuff from the "inside" of his or her anal region) brings us the latest update to the TomKat Finds A Home saga:

Hollywood's art-collecting community breathed a sigh of relief on Saturday, when the FBI announced that Steven Spielberg was an "unknowing victim" of a dealer who sold him a Norman Rockwell painting that was stolen from a Missouri gallery 34 years ago, freeing them from the paranoia that each high-end piece the discriminating director once admired in their homes might soon disappear under mysterious circumstances and "accidentally" surface in his office. Reports the LAT:

It's time once again to soothe the festering wounds of the weekend by slathering ourselves in the miraculous, healing unguent of the box office numbers:

· We hope you joined us for our Third Annual Oscars Liveblogging Extravaganza, but in case you missed it, here's your chance to catch up. And here's everything else you could want to know about this year's bloated, self-indulgent, tepid affair.
· Wolfgang Puck HepWatch! Beyoncé, Lucas, and Landis OK. As for the rest: You're on your own.
· Kevin Reilly remounts the peacock.
· Sharon Stone is Queen of the Razzies.
· The Week in Jennifer Love Hewitt held some Oscar night lows and flexible, all-over comfort highs.
· The many-faceted, pee-peeing, penis-pasta-clutching sides to American Idol's Antonella Barba.
· Britney Spears books the whole, durn wing to herself, y'all.
· Which show would you rather less watch? Victoria Beckham's reality show, or Geico cavemen, the sitcom? OK, fine, Beckham. That was an easy one.
· Ruffalo tells Gyllenhaal to bite his lip and take it, Brokeback-style.
· Santa Monica rids its streets of ANTM bus ads, still working on that whole Daniel Baldwin-in-a-crack-motel problem.
· It's ON: Soundmixer smackdown!
· John Travolta will be performing on the Faultline stage this Sunday, 4 - 8 p.m. Opening for him: Asian Dancer.
· That's hot.
· Jeff Goldblum celebrates Serve Your Screenwriting Stalker with a Restraining Order Day in style.
· Howard and Larry pay their last respects, then do it hard.

· Everything was going beautifully at Anna Nicole's funeral, until the coffin was attacked by a giant, pink, body-snatching alien squid!
· Please, that's nothing. We can call an Angelina pic blurred down to a single, grey pixel from 10 yards. [via BoingBoing]
· We know you've been on pins and needles since Big Pussy backed out of Dancing with the Stars. Well, sleep easy: That guy from that show has come in to replace him.
· Britney gets out for a little shopping, and becomes totally engrossed in this book that really captures her rehab experience.
· Mmmm...Chicken McHeads...

In honor of Zodiac, the long-awaiting release from director David Fincher opening today, the LAT has a little fun by taking some of America's other legendary serial killers and playing one of Defamer's favorite parlor games, "casting the CBS movie of the week." (Only in this case, it's something more akin to "casting the $85 million Paramount/Warner Bros. co-production.") Some of their choices are mind-numbingly obvious (gee, we guess now that you mention it, Vincent Gallo does kinda look like Charles Manson), and some we just don't really see (we're not getting Green River Killer from Kevin Costner, sorry. He always gave us more of a Scott Thompson-vibe.) But one pairing was so inspired, it instantly chilled us to the bone: Forgetting for a moment that Dahmer was about a half-foot taller than his red-carpet-stationed doppelganger, something about the glassy-eyed smile, the boyish good looks, the laid-back, charming demeanor that lulls you into a state of trusting complacency, instantly said to us "human pancreas in an empty Blue Bonnet margarine tub."

Friday
· Music round-up: Liverpudlian creepy-rock outfit Clinic play with Sea Wolf at the Troubadour, Musiq Soulchild play the Roxy, and Snow Patrol with OK Go and Silversun Pickups are at the Gibson Amphitheatre.
· Site-specific dance troupe Collage Dance Theater performs Grendel vs. Beowulf on Ice! at the Valley Ice Skating Rink.
· Marvel to the spur-of-the-moment ingenuity of traveling improv troubadours Side Project, at the Westside Eclectic. Complimentary beer will be served.
Saturday
· Music round-up: The Dandy Warhols play the Wiltern, the legendary Mavis Staples performs at the Luckman Fine Arts Complex, Weird Science, with Har Mar Superstar, Some Girls, The Willowz and Them Jeans play the El Rey, and Rachel Fuller presents IN THE ATTIC with Pete Townshend, Ben Harper and Tenacious D at the Hotel Cafe.
· WACK! Art and the Feminist Revolution, the new show at the Geffen Contemporary, has its members' opening bash. Hopefully you'll meet the "Do Me" variety.
Sunday
· Sunday night music: Part Time Punks present Dandi Wind at the Echo, The Spinto Band and Dios (Malos) play the Troubadour, and Brightback Morning Light are at McCabe's Guitar Shop.
· The Aero Theater hosts a sneak preview of Paul Verhoeven's upcoming release,
Black Book, a "thriller about the Dutch underground set in the Fall of 1944." Darlin'.
· The ASSSSCAT DVD taping at the UCB Theater features the original lineup of Upright Citizens all-stars. Behold, the Harold!

Welcome back to our ongoing effort to exhaustively chronicle the travails of Most Doable Idol, Antonella Barba, who has bewitched America by being pleasing to almost every sense (except the one she's supposed to excel at in a singing contest), while simultaneously starring in a seemingly never ending stream of leaked photos doing a variety of sorta-dirty, but not-really-that-bad, things. In today's chapter, brought to you by NinjaDude.com, Antonella appears to be enjoying a BFF moment, standing adjacent to a pink vibrator. Even more shockingly, Antonella herself is holding a box of MacAweenie And Cheese Penis Pasta Mix; we imagine the bachelorette's mac and cheese of choice should soon see a healthy boost in profits. Why each girl is posing holding a random object is not entirely clear—perhaps, moments before the flash went off, they were instructed to grab the single dorm room item they would bring with them to a desert island, sending the co-eds scrambling for the nearest stuffed penguin, personal massager, or box of phallic pasta they could get their hands on. Looking down upon the wholesome depravity is none other than celebrity savior Angelina Jolie, whose clearly visible, beaming headlights shine down upon the group like two dazzling, protective beacons from a nurturing Mother Earth.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in like you mean it. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw the star of your favorite new bra commercial reading someone the riot act, quite possibly over her appearance in that very ad!

Please take a moment out of your busy schedules to register your idolatry of Defamer sponsors. True, their teenage-pregnancy backstories pull your heartstrings, but we all know it was ultimately their powerful pipes and saucy attitude that brought them this far. If you'd like to let the world know about your own goods and/or services, and the unique, beautiful, superstar spirit they possess, go here.

· Hollywood Out of Ideas: Let's Turn Those Mildly-Amusing-At-Best Geico Cavemen Commercials, Which Themselves Are a Rip-Off of That Old Phil Hartman SNL Sketch, Into an ABC Sitcom Pilot edition! [Variety]
· Warner Bros. is turning the Valerie Plame-C.I.A. leak debacle into a feature. You can start plotting your dream cast now, but Warner is hoping Vice President Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Lewis "Scooter" Libby will all be played by Eddie Murphy, in his next Oscar-courting role. [Variety]
· With Grey's and CSI in reruns, Fox tramples the rest last night with Idol and strongly showing Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?, leading the network to immediately explore possible spinoffs, including Are You Drunker Than Paula Abdul?, and Are You Gonna Eat That? starring Randy Jackson. [Variety]
· In an effort to "minimize children's exposure to violence," the FCC wants broader powers in regulating TV content. In other words the actual CSI decapitation would be subject to censoring, and not just the skullfucking that follows it. [THR]
· TV Land has hired Bill Clinton to address their advertisers at their March 23rd upfronts in New York, who is expected to tell the gathered crowd that in his moments of doubt, he would regularly turn to old episodes of Simon & Simon, where the wisdom of P.I. siblings A. J. and Rick would invariably guide him through his darkest hours. [THR]

Possessing love reserves far too great to squander merely on her current family configuration of "2 miraculous, multicultural orphans/1 amorphous vanilla blob/1 eager-to-please, diaper-changing studmuffin," actress, humanitarian, and adoption addict Angelina Jolie has taken the necessary legal steps to finally fill the Vietnamese-baby-shaped hole in her heart:

Those of you who tuned into last night's edition of zeitgeisty, karaoke superstar contest American Idol know that our fearless leader Mark's tireless campaigning on behalf of long shot contestant Sanjaya Malakar was not done in vain, as another dark-skinned effeminate ended up being sacrificed in his place. Unfortunately, an energized Mark emerged from the taping ready to celebrate, and three hours, and six Disaronno Sours later, poor Mark found himself staring down the shaft of a West Hollywood Sheriff's Officer's Maglite, being asked pointedly, "Why were you speeding with your Bentley Continental's headlights off, sir?" The situation only escalated when Mark responded by clumsily lifting his fist into the air, Black Panthers-style, and slur-shouted, "SANJAYA NATION! Whoo!" Miraculously, the officer on duty was also a diehard fan (in fact the two had already become acquainted in a SanjayaFans.com chat room!), and so he was let go with a warning, and a pledge to swap whatever MP3s they could get their hands on.

• Jennifer Love Hewitt's Breasts are Perfect...for Selling Bras [Egotastic]

If you awoke today to find an eerie hush having fallen across the land, and the morning drive unsettlingly devoid of other commuters, fret not—the apocalypse is not yet upon us. One of its more significant, prophesied signs, however, is. ("And she shall come down from Mexia, bedding men of all ages; and she shall plug diet pills; and she shall lose one child and birth another, immaculately; and a former Guns n' Roses guitarist shall see her into Heaven." Trimspa 6:18 ) At this moment, Anna Nicole Smith's remains are parked outside Mount Horeb Baptist Church in Nassau, awaiting her long overdue funeral; if you are not doing so already, get thee immediately to nbc6.net's live feed (a reportedly $5000 investment that quickly pays for itself in emotional dividends), where you can telerelay your final respects. Goodbye, America's fun, busty, methadone-pickled rose.

· Premiere offers a gallery of "The 20 Worst Post-Oscar Career Choices." Study this carefully, young Jennifer, lest you go the way of the Fricker.
· Olbermannwatch.com, the Keith Olbermann-bashing blog, has shuttered its windows, realizing they were just helping raise the Countdown host's profile. Perhaps it's time for them to escalate the battle to Phase 2: Distributing this picture of him to everyone in their address book.
· Yay! Thanks, French Ambassador Gerard Errera!
· Chris Rock would like everyone to know that everything on the home front is hunky dory, thank you very much. Always a bad sign.
· Homophobic dirtbag radio host Michael Savage (whose family owns Rockstar energy drink, FYI; adjust your caffeinated-battery-acid consumption habits accordingly) won't be seen around the CAA Death Star after all, as the recent signee to the agency is dumped after word got around about his "I don't like a woman married to a woman. It makes me want to puke" comments re: Melissa Etheridge.
· Famous person sires two babies! Simultaneously! It's a holy sign!