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Because no activity is too mundane to escape our scrutiny when the main participant is the dreamy-eyed star of the nation's #1 unresolved serial killer procedural, we now direct you to Page Six's coverage of Jake Gyllenhaal's recent Bloomingdale's shopping excursion, where he applied the kind of obsessive attention to detail director David Fincher usually insists one devotes to the crafting of character backstory to the exercise of shopping for foundation garments:

A shopper in Bloomingdale's underwear department recently watched the "Brokeback Mountain" star with a salesman "combing through every style . . . A good 10 minutes later, Jake was still at it . . . holding up a pair of tight white briefs that he'd pulled out of the package to examine, as if he'd never seen tighty whities before in his entire life. It was hilarious. He looked very confused and had a furrowed brow . . . He was examining undies like an anthropologist in the city's most highly trafficked department store."

Jake eventually settled on the Calvin Klein Mens' Pro Mesh Trunk, which offered him all the flexible, junk-hugging support he's accustomed to in a wearable, all-day boxer brief. Almost instantly, a swarm of Bloomingdale's sales associates from the men's and fragrance departments descended upon the scene, launching themselves upon any unpackaged merchandise that may have come into direct contact with the actor. Minutes later, they lay in a bloodied, moaning pile, each bruised eye and cracked rib well worth the scrap of torn white cotton they now clutched in their hands.