The slippery film covering sleaze mogul Joe Francis, the mastermind behind the Girls Gone Wild co-ed tittie-flashing empire, may not be enough for him to slide out of the clutches of the law's long arm. Francis earned a judge's wrath by skipping out on Panama City for a NCAA Final Four game in Atlanta, when he was supposed to be negotiating a settlement in a 2003 lawsuit brought against him by seven minors captured in "sexual situations." Now he's been ordered to do hard time on contempt of court charges:

Today's Page Six weighs in on the trend of creeping anti-Jolieism currently sweeping the celebrity weeklies, who have quietly banded together to destroy the orphan-collecting actress for her selfish choice of hated rival People for all of her self-glorification needs. The relentless quest to punish Jolie for giving all the cutest, officially sanctioned photographs of her family to People reportedly has left her children vulnerable to tabloid attacks, even at the presumably safe haven of on-lot day care services:

The official story has a North Carolina mom offering the international movie star, human rights activist, and video-leak bounty hunter George Clooney a free cup of her children's 25-cent lemonade after he'd posed for a couple of photos, an act that presumably triggered a moment of guilt about his incredible good fortune so crushing that he was induced to wildly overpay for the refreshing drink, despite the fact the move would inevitably result in an unwanted, feel-good story about the generosity of a visiting celebrity. In reality, however, Clooney was the victim of one of the lemonade stand's trio of cherubic, tow-headed grifters, who cried out, "That quarter was going to go to the kids in Darfur, you cheap Hollywood bastard!" as the actor cheerily accepted the gift and began to walk back towards the set, prompting him to return and grudgingly hand over a suitable "donation."

The nasty business surrounding local fashion designer and accused rapist Anand Jon (unbelievably cheesy official website here) until now has rested safely in the "we don't care" category, but with four more aspiring models having emerged to tell their frightening tales of go-see's turned forced-sex ugly, we must finally turn our attention to the increasingly not-so-nice-seeming man menacingly clutching a pair of fabric scissors:

Having already ruined drug abuse and eating disorders for "regular" women by constantly publicizing their more glamorous coke habits and protruding ribs in the pages of the supermarket tabloids, celebrities have now initiated a War on Motherhood, parading their perfectly sculpted baby bumps or racially balanced families of luxury-level orphans in front of People and Us Weekly's cameras in an attempt to establish unrealistic expectations for civilian moms. Reports ABC News on the troubling new trend:

• I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry [YouTube]

· Music round-up: Richard Buckner at the Echo; Sea Wolf at the Troubadour; Brand New at Avalon.
· Actress/comedian Sarah Thyre, Strangers with Candy's Coach Wolf, will sign Dark at the Roots: A Memoir at Book Soup.
· Tonight's You're Welcome! comedy show at M Bar features Aziz Ansari, Bil Dwyer, and Mary Lynn "24's Chloe" Rajskub, who is still trying to come to terms with an osculatory sneak-attack by Rush Limbaugh.

While most of the world was excitedly high-fiving one another and asking, "Dude, did you see that Keith Richards totally snorted his dad? That's some messed up shit!" following the appearance of the widely circulated, but quickly denied, story about the hard-to-kill guitarist's novel method for disposing of his father's ashes, there was some moderate-level pants-crapping going on within Disney's PR department, where flacks responsible for the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean sequel were forced to think about How Keith Richard's Blowing Of Dad-Rails Might Affect The Family-Friendly Summer Blockbuster In Which He Appears:

• Director of 'A Christmas Story,' son killed in PCH crash [LAT]

It's a dilemma we've all faced: You hate your boss with the white-hot intensity of a thousand begrudgingly fetched caramel macchiatos, but murdering him could result in a lengthy, career-stalling jail sentence, and messily killing yourself inside his just-detailed Lexus would just give the cruel taskmaster the satisfaction that he successfully thwarted your Hollywood ambitions. You really need the Defamer Job Board right now, which features these exciting opportunities to escape the crushing bleakness of your current situation:

· Showtime is positively atwitter about heavily promoted costume drama The Tudors' 1.2 million premiere night viewers (over two showings), a number representing the network's biggest debut success since Fat Actress kicked off its tragically short-lived run of three years ago. [Variety]
· Adam Sandler, already over the "dressing like Bob Dylan and moping around" phase of his career, will star in a Disney comedy directed by former choreographer Adam Shankman, Bedtime Stories. [THR]
· Fox's Idol tries to lure timeslot rivals into a false sense of hope by pulling in a smaller-than-usual rating, though one still large enough to crush its competition by a comfortable margin. [Variety]
· The Tribeca Film Festival happily whores itself out to Sony by allowing the studio to premiere Spider-Man 3 at their event on April 30. To its credit, however, the organization did reject an earlier proposal to temporarily rename itself the "The Spider-Man 3 Film Festival of Tribeca" as "too crass." [THR]
· Paul Haggis' The Black Donnellys takes the next step towards "official" cancellation, as NBC has pulled the show from its airwaves effective immediately. [Variety]

You may have felt a sea change in the cultural consciousness recently, in the form of growing grassroots support for Sanjaya Malakar, the talent-deficient breakout star of an otherwise forgettable sixth season of the nation's opiate of choice, American Idol. In honor of His Awfulness, a round-up:
· BWE.tv declares Sanjaya the "single most important personality" to emerge from Idol, declaring him the ponyhawked King Arthur to finally pull Excalibur from the stone (in the form of sensory-raping performances America can't seem to get enough of) and slay the mighty Idol dragon that has terrorized the TV landscape for the past five years. [BWE]
· AOL TV counts down all the reasons they love Sanjaya, including the fact that he's been parodied to limited comedic effect by Andy Samberg in a pointless Weekend Update appearance on SNL. What other reason could you possibly need? [AOL]
· Join master of the mopey thespian arts Zach Braff as he intros a clip from his new movie The Ex (spoiler alert: He offends an Irish dude!), capping it off with the kind of endorsement for Malakar that Hillary would kill for. [apple.com/trailers]

From the very moment that NBC controversially decided to greenlight two different series (one hourlong, one a half-hour) set behind the scenes at an SNLesque sketch comedy show and named for the numbered structures (one fictional, one real) in which they were produced, the fates of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and 30 Rock (one disappointing, one vastly superior) were inextricably linked. With Studio 60 indefinitely yanked from the airwaves and creator Aaron Sorkin failing thus far to live up his billing as Peacock Messiah (or even to a lesser, personal mission as Redeemer of a Debauched Medium), the network is now placing its sketch-comedy-related hopes for eventual Nielsen salvation in 30 Rock's Tina Fey, reports Var:

The world waited with bated breath yesterday for a Bahamian judge to take a coin to a Scratch N' Win Paternity Lottery ticket and reveal the three matching babydaddy heads responsible for fathering Dannielynn Smith. But, as should surprise no one in this protracted case of slow-moving Caribbean justice, none such revelation occurred:

Congratulations are in order for Velvet Mafia don David Geffen, whom Out magazine has named the Most Powerful Gay in the Universe, a title he will likely hold until the day his lifeless body is buried beneath the Carbon Beach sand he so dearly loves. NY Magazine has reproduced Out's entire Power 50 list, which includes Hollywood Gays of Note (we're ignoring the ones from less interesting industries) from the diverse worlds of talk-show hosting (#3 Ellen DeGeneres and #6 Rosie O'Donnell), superproducing (#18 Scott Rudin), evil agenting (#31 Bryan Lourd of CAA), superhero-movie directing (#32 Bryan Singer), soap-opera writing (#40 Marc Cherry), and glass-closeted Oscar-collecting (#43 Jodie Foster). All lower-charting Power Gays should immediately submit their full-page tributes in the trades recognizing Geffen's achievement before inventory sells out; those shut out because they waited too long will undoubtedly be subject to the DreamWorks mogul's bloody reprisals for their failure to publicly pledge their fealty in a timely fashion.

Having accomplished virtually all of her Hollywood dreams by the tender age of 25 (millions-selling records, writing, directing, producing, and starring in an Anson Mount vehicle, an annulment, an ill-advised marriage to a sporadically employed background dancer from Fresno, having two beautiful babies to neglect by heading out to the hottest clubs to have her vagina photographed, a tabloid-mandated trip to rehab, and a divorce), a rudderless Britney Spears recently turned to the only people who truly have her best interests in mind to help plot the course of her post-Promises life: the caring folks at the William Morris agency. Reports The TMZ:

· Hey, guess who was kidding about snorting his dad? Truth be told, we liked it better when he wasn't just bullshitting. That was pretty hardcore.
· Sure, our sister site Consumerist got to the bottom of the mystery of Jamba Juice's ingredients. But we hope they don't go after Pinkberry next, because those people will fucking cut you.
· You know who's a really successful movie star? That Will Smith guy.
· Tomorrow's hot excuse for erratic celebrity behavior: diabetic shock.

Earlier today, in briefly discussing the brainstorming session that produced the concept for sure-to-be runaway hit The Great American Singing Bee (i.e., "Horowitz 'came to me and said, "Two words: Singing bee," ' Gurin said. 'I said, "Bingo," and we began developing it.'") [Ed.note—Yeah, we're still not sure we get it.], we jokingly mentioned that a gameshow-crazed NBC was also developing a complementary, bingo-themed project. A helpful tipster quickly reminded us that rival ABC's best alternative programming minds were already way ahead of us (and NBC) on this one. Behold the upcoming National Bingo Night, or as it will soon be popularly known as per our previous flight of supposed fancy, People Shouting At A Fucking Huge Cage Full of Numbered Ping-Pong Balls

· Music round-up: Son Volt at the El Rey; The Mars Volta at the Orpheum; Andrew W.K. at Safari Sam's.
· It's an especially star-studded night at Comedy Death Ray at the UCB, with Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, and MTV darlings Human Giant celebrating the Giant's upcoming premiere. Or, you can head down to the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa to see TV's Arli$$, Robert Wuhl.
· Check out Last Refuge for the Senses, or Noise Hippies Against All War at the Sponto Gallery, "a series of psychedelic experiments and anarchic explorations in light and sound." BYO drugs, naturally.