If you find yourself wondering why that E!, Style Network, or G4 employee you really need to get in touch with this Friday afternoon isn't picking up his extension, don't panic: he's likely tied up with some very important keg-standing business on the Beer Floor of the First Annual Comcast Entertainment Group Crawl that will be raging at the CEG headquarters on Wilshire, a nice little tension-breaker that should help the company's employees blot out any unpleasant memories of the recent bomb scare at their headquarters with some free booze. Though it was supposed to be a surprise, staffers are already buzzing about the 10-foot ice luge CEO Ted Harbert will be personally operating in the lobby to kick off the event, sending shots of perfectly chilled Grey Goose rushing towards the gaping mouths of grateful underlings who are ready to take their Happy Hour revelry up a notch.

We know of only one way to cope with the crippling grief that's overcome us since Rosie O'Donnell's announcement that's she's abandoning the indentation on The View's couch she's so ably filled over the past year: pretending it's not happening by filling up our front page with fresh clips of her moving image. Shortly after breaking the hearts of millions of daytime talkshow viewers, O'Donnell trumpeted a huge get for the show she's leaving behind: Noted angry-voicemail-leaver Alec Baldwin will join the ladies on Friday* for a Celebrity Parenting Summit, during which topics of interest to famous parents, such as "alienation," "media strategies in prolonged child custody hearings," and "barnyard animals to which one should not compare one's daughter, even while under extreme mental duress," will be discussed. This, we suspect, will be the kind of appointment viewing we've come to expect from the O'Donnell-led Golden Age that will soon be coming to a close.

The signs that you're sick of your job have become too persistent to ignore: You can hardly be bothered to spit in your boss's Starbucks cup each morning, and the stream of expletives you mutter under your breath as you sulk away from your daily dressing-down have recently lacked imagination. You need a new gig, and the Defamer Job Board is here to help, just in time. This week's highlights:

• The View Audition Tapes - Alternate Reese Audition [YouTube]

· No, sillies! His name is Gay! LOL! CMT would never hire a real Gay! [Variety]
· We thought that Disney could never top itself after casting John Travolta, Tim Allen, and Martin Lawrence together in Wild Hogs, but they've just officially blown our minds by getting Travolta and Robin Williams into Old Dogs, the story of "two best friends and business partners whose lives are turned upside down when they find themselves in the care of 7-year-old twins." This one could do $300 million, easy. [THR]
· With no more female-friendly MOW worlds to conquer after landing both Jennie Garth and Lacey Chabert for upcoming projects, Lifetime president/CEO Betty Cohen "steps down" barely 24 hours after the network's upfront presentations. [Variety]
· Following yesterday's (possibly premature) reports that Spiderman: 3 may have already been pirated in Beijing, enraged MPAA head Dan Glickman stops just short of announcing an immediate Hollywood-led nuclear strike against China. [THR]
· In happier MPAA news, pirate-hunter emeritus Jack Valenti is out of the hospital after a recent stroke, but could suffer a setback should he be updated on this troubling China/Spider-Man situation. [Variety]

The new edition of Us Weekly offers a fresh installment of the magazine's daring investigative series into the home life of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, which the glossy portrays as only marginally less confining than a Turkish prison encircled by a moat full of sharks with a taste for B-list actress flesh. This week's hot button issue in the star-crossed couple's relationship, according to Us: Scientology "mommy classes" in which Cruise would like his war bride life partner to enroll, a course of instruction aimed at equipping Holmes with the Hubbardian parenting tech necessary to successfully raise Suri within the Church.

Following in the wobbly footsteps of fellow misdiagnosed celebrity rehab survivor Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears has reportedly been taking the necessary steps towards reclaiming the lifestyle she enjoyed before her widely publicized Dark Angel episode landed her a month inside a coastal no-fun facility. Step one: Emancipate oneself from all patriarchal tyranny. Step two: Hire the world's leading expert at crafting statements that artfully ignore the 800-pound gorilla on your back. Step three: Ease your way back in with softer alcohol:

We will admit to being more than a little excited for the the debut of Steven Spielberg's upcoming Fox competition On the Lot, as television sorely needs an American Idol (or, at the very least, a Project Runway) for Hollywood, and we've never quite gotten over Project Greenlight's tragically abbreviated run. (Gulager!) Today's Variety brings some breathtaking news about the series, reporting that Spielberg is stocking the show's firing squad with some big guns for its launch:

The course of cackling-hens-sitting-on-a-couch-and-clucking-about- current-events history has been irrevocably altered: Rosie O'Donnell has just announced that she will not be returning to The View next year, a decision she blames on an inability to reach acceptable contractual terms for her daily involvement in the show. (Insiders reveal the impasse was reached when ABC's legal department flatly refused to install a button on the set that would deliver a paralyzing electric shock to longtime nemesis Donald Trump's genitals each time it was pressed.) We know that your initial response to this sad news is to rush through your house or place of business and smash all the mirrors you can find, then use the jagged shards to carve "ROSIE" on the underside of your forearm, but take heart: she will be dropping by occasionally to guest host and deliver special reports, and, when the spirit moves her, just to choke that skinny bitch Hasselbeck a little.

· Pax Thien is getting another name change, though in fairness, this one shouldn't be as psychologically damaging as the one forced on him back in March.
· A recovering Roger Ebert dares the tabloids to make fun of his cancer.
· Showtime stars going to rehab only get Short Ends mentions.
· Finally, a wearable version of Dr. House's world-weary, drug-dependency-induced cynicism! At least it's for charity.
· The Alec Baldwin doll: a surefire way to smooth things over with the child your ex-wife has just forced you to berate.

When not taking the editors of Entertainment Weekly to task for daring to turn their noses up at examples of his populist, flaming-skull-laden mythic art, actor/thinker/star-of-the-people Nicolas Cage enjoys spending his leisure time amassing exotic sports cars. Three years ago, a crooked auto broker with an intimate knowledge of the market took advantage of Cage's unwavering faith in humankind, a breach of confidence for which he must now pay dearly:

Upon reading published reports that Chinese pirates have already succeeded in getting illicit copies of Spider-Man 3 into Beijing's black market, Sony's ever-vigilant PR team sprang into action to refute the story, letting China's Spidey fans know that the only way for them to enjoy the web-slinger's latest adventures—for the moment, at least—is to blow a month's salary on a family trip to the multiplex:

· Music round-up: Sean Lennon at the Roxy; Erase Errata at Safari Sam's; Blood Brothers at the El Rey; The Nightwatchman (i.e., RATM's Tom Morello) at Amoeba.
· Janeane Garofalo, Marc Maron, and Henry Rollins will be at the Silent Movie Theatre, doing the comedy-related/spoken-word things they do, respectively.
· AFI hosts a special screening of Waitress, the movie written directed by tragically slain actress Adrienne Shelly, at the ArcLight. A Q&A will follow with producer Michael Roiff and actors Cheryl Hines and Jeremy Sisto.

Newly minted Biggest Movie Star in the World Shia LaBeouf realizes the hard work he's got to put in to fulfill the awesome responsibility he's been handed with his high-profile role in the upcoming Fourth Installment of the Indiana Jones Situation; not only must he be sure his acting chops are honed to fine edge in order to earn his screentime with Hollywood icon* Harrison Ford, he must also transform his still-developing body to a level of beefiness comparable to that of his barrel-chested, sexagenarian co-star:

In a shocking—shocking!—development in the Alec Baldwin Voicemail Fiasco, the LAT is reporting that the actor (pictured at left with an unidentified lesser Baldwin during happier times) has left his longtime agents at CAA:

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Continuing the proud tradition established by the Hollywood Walk of Fame's own Head-Butting Chewbacca and Picketer-Baiting Batman, Melbourne, Florida's Genital-Touching Captain America has taken a place of honor in the Fake Superhero Justice League with his recent arrest, detailed by The Smoking Gun, on counts of drunken handsiness, marijuana possession, and third-degree package misrepresentation for his stuffing of a burrito into his tights during a costumed pub-crawl. TSG also has video of the booking, in which the disgraced defender of America is subjected to a humiliating, symbolic surrender of his crimefighting uniform's cowl and red boots.

A routine press tour to promote the Australian release of Rocky Balboa last February put Sylvester Stallone in an embarrassing predicament, as airport customs agents discovered 48 vials of human growth hormone inside the senescent action star's luggage. As Stallone fans Down Under cope with the shattering suspicion that their 61-year-old underdog screen hero may have achieved his gladiatorial frame through the use of banned substances, the actor himself has been cooperating with the Australian authorities:

· Realizing that he's only played a lawyer once (Fatal Attraction), Michael Douglas quickly signs on to fill the courtroom-drama-shaped hole in his career by starring in Tragic Indifference, based on a landmark case against Ford over its "indifference to flaws in its SUVs." Scene-chewing delivery of a stirring closing statement to follow. [Variety]
· Chinese Pirates 1, Sony 0: China's camcording brigade has already made pirated copies of Spider-Man 3 available on the streets of Beijing, nearly two weeks ahead of the movie's U.S. debut. Didn't that flashy Tokyo premiere teach the scofflaws anything about respecting copyrights? The MPAA's next step: dispatching piracy-hating stuntman Manny Perry to smash some black market DVD stalls with a Louisville slugger. [THR]
· The Coen Brothers will make the Fargoesque dark comedy A Serious Man for Working Title and Focus Features. Lantern-jawed muse George Clooney has yet to be attached. [Variety]
· Should ABC pick up the much-discussed Grey's Anatomy spin-off for the fall, creator Shonda Rhimes has selected Krista Vernoff to run the Grey's mothership and Marti Noxon for the satellite; Rhimes will oversee both, which will primarily involve ensuring that both shows' characters have properly overwrought speeches about their impossibly complicated love-lives to deliver and collecting enormous paychecks [THR]
· Lifetime proves its admirable commitment to keeping the female television drama stars of the 90's off the streets, signing up 90210's Jennie Garth and Party of Five's Lacey Chabert for made-for-TV movie gigs. [Variety]

After spending 14 unforgettable days and nights at an all-inclusive Panama City correctional facility—during which he was also hit with a federal indictment for tax evasion and busted with contraband pharmaceuticals and cash after attempting to bribe a guard—fallen flashcore video tycoon Joe Francis has been handed down a sentence for just the contempt of court portion of his current legal woes: