Viewers of last night's Grey's Anatomy were treated to a suprise cameo appearance—or two, to be precise. As the staff of Seattle Grace stood transfixed, a patient unveiled his massive testicles, which dangled briefly into the frame like a pair of fleshy, deformed grapefruit. As it turns out, the Cisco Adlerian stones were actually the result of [SPOILER ALERT] spectacular genetics, and the patient had merely shown up for his annual physical—a routine procedure that quickly took on intimidating proportions, requiring the combined strength of Drs. McDreamy, McSteamy, and McChokey just to lift a single elephantine teste before ordering the patient to turn to the right and cough.

Earlier this week, we were shocked—shocked! etc etc—to discover that embattled actor Alec Baldwin had abruptly dismissed his CAA agents, as what any performer needs most during times of personal crisis is a group hug from the only people in Hollywood genuinely concerned about their welfare: the ones earning healthy commissions from them. While the theory that Baldwin might have been locked in a heated battle with his ex-wife for sole custody of the agency certainly made enough sense, today's Page Six floats a theory that pulls yet another innocent child into the matter:

Fox and Marvel have announced they will be spinning off an X-Men character into his own movie. Not Wolverine, however, which is still listed as in development, but telepathic metal manipulator Magneto:

It is with a heavy heart that we note the passing of former MPAA lobbyist Jack Valenti, an enemy of the movie-pirate menace so terrifying that a future generation of unauthorized downloaders will trade apocryphal stories about the copyright-defending bogeyman in hushed tones while watching illegal copies of Spider-Man 16, visibly trembling as they hear once again how a DVD-ripping friend of a friend's grandfather once awoke to find Valenti's hook embedded in the side of her computer and the message STOP RAPING HOLLYWOOD scrawled in blood on the bedroom wall. The LAT has a detailed obituary for those interested in the hyperbole-prone pirate-hunter and ratings system pioneer's legacy; after the jump, a tribute round-up of our long-ago posts about Valenti's fascinating thoughts on subjects like elves, the hostess-humping absurdity of the Hays Code era, and the un-fucking-believable magic boxes that assist outlaws in stealing food from the mouths of honest stuntmen:

· Music round-up: Earlimart and Sea Wolf at Echoplex; Tapes & Tapes at Spaceland; The Shys at the Viper Room.
· Director Tim Hunter premieres The Far Side of Jericho, "a treat for those who like their westerns short on symbolism and tall in the saddle," at the Aero. A discussion will follow with Hunter and his trio of lead actresses.
· Comedians Greg Fitzsimmons, Jen Kirkman, Andy Kindler, and Jim Gaffigan share their True Hollywood Stories at the Improv.

At some point during American Idol's recent blockbuster-pimping Shrek-tacular, in which DreamWorks mogul Jeffrey Katzenberg and incomprehensibly accented sidekick Antonio Banderas consumed a puzzling amount of screen time in plugging their upcoming animated product, virtually every one of the show's millions of teenage fans probably found him or herself wondering, "Hey, who's this awkward little bald man trying to sell me on a movie I'm going to go see anyway?" Slate's Kim Masters claims to have solved the mystery: Katzenberg was supposed to drag Shrek star Justin Timberlake onto the show, but perhaps still feeling a little dirty from whoring himself out for a duet at the Grammys, the singer escaped the country, avoiding the promotional duty. All in all, we're pleased that's the way things turned out; had Timberlake shown, we might've been denied the wonderful moment (at about 43 seconds in the above clip) when Katzenberg—just moments after showing off his Oscar—somewhat bitterly remarks that the Idol hopefuls are achieving their dreams much faster than he did, stopping just short of adding, "But, you know, hard work and stuff like that takes a lot of time. You can't karaoke your way to running a studio. Just sayin'."

Yesterday, the good people at Axe, the Cheap Cologne in a Can That Pretends It Can Get You Laid™, invited Federline to trampoline alongside their Axe Angels inside a bouncy castle at the corners of Hollywood and Highland. What organizers did not anticipate, however, was how quickly the contraption would turn into a stifling gas chamber. As the Axe Angels clawed at the vinyl windows and pled for their lives, it fell to a quick-thinking Captain Jack Sparrow working the nearby Chinese Theater sidewalk to slice his way into the contraption, saving them from a certain death choking on the suffocating fumes of Tsunami deodorant bodyspray emanating from Federline's "male hot zones."

In an upcoming issue of Time magazine, longtime Imagine Entertainment collaborator Russell Crowe confirms our greatest fears: Superproducer Brian Grazer's freaky, otherworldly powers are growing:

Just in case Sony's statement dismissing a Reuters report that pirated copies of Spider-Man 3 had already hit the streets of Beijing weeks before the movie had even opened in the U.S., a follow-up report from the gullible news agency revealed that, unsurprisingly, what you see with Chinese DVD pirates is not always what you get:

· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Special 80s Possession-Comedy Edition: Queen Latifah will star in a remake of Lily Tomlin/Steve Martin farce All of Me for New Line, though it's unclear from the story if their reimagination of the material will call for Latifah to play the possessing spirit or the showier role of host body. Either way, we hope they keep the bit where the guru flushes a toilet each time the telephone rings. That really cracked us up when we were ten. [Variety]
· Last night's two-hour Idol Gives Back special eradicates world poverty, network competition. [THR]
· The FCC declares War on TV Violence, threatening that if networks don't clean up their acts, the government will do it for them. [Variety]
· A puff of pink smoke rises from a chimney atop Lifetime's headquarters, indicating that the company has chosen a new spiritual leader to preside over its housewife-narcotizing slate of eating-disorder-related MOWs. [THR]
· The highly successful, industry-wide Agent Literacy Program continues to pay impresive dividends, as Gersh joins Endeavor in starting a new book division. [Variety]

Today's Variety shares a heartwarming story about how ABC president Steve "My Kingdom For A Sitcom That Can Run For At Least 13 Episodes" McPherson helped his hard-working employees celebrate yesterday's Pilot Screening Eve, the unofficial holiday taking place on the day before the network's footy-pajama-clad development team emerges at dawn from the offices they've been sleeping in since March to screen this Fall season's series hopefuls. Reports Var:

Opening arguments for the Phil Spector murder trial began yesterday and resume today live on Court TV (WigWatch: A Level-8 Blonde Shag), where current title-holder of Hardest Working Man in Show Business, attorney Bruce Cutler, continues to lay out the groundwork of his defense. Phase One: Convince the jury Spector's long history of pressing guns to the head of women who refused to put out for him has no bearing on the trial. Phase Two: Coin your own nonsensical catchphrase, in the hopes that repeating it ad nauseam will somehow get your guy off:

If you're the type that found Rosie O'Donnell's explanation of her departure suspiciously tidy (i.e., that she only wanted a one-year contract, while ABC demanded that she be locked up for three more high-rated years of headline-grabbing feuds with media-shy billionaires, public disclosures of mental illness, and the lingering, delicious tension from the possibility that a simple argument could end in Elizabeth Hasselbeck's on-air strangulation), the NY Post offers up an alternate story: Rosie (pictured here delivering a vicious head-butt to her hated boss) is quitting the show after failing in a behind-the-scenes putsch to oust Barbara Walters. Confused by competing theories, O'Donnell's devoted fans have taken to the Ask Ro section of Rosie.com to try and sort through the mess. A selection:

One's already been arrested, one's still an international fugitive of justice. Both stand accused of crimes of passion, but one's weapon of choice was a container of baked beans, the other's his famously supple lips. One's an incurable nervous stutterer, the other's silky smooth.

· People names Drew Barrymore its Most Beautiful Famous Person, then forces her to pose without makeup. Don't those fucking sadists realize she's in her thirties? She'll be ruined!
· See, the difference is CAAA just kidnaps your dog; CAA would tie you down and kill it while you helplessly watched.
· What Britney Spears really needs in her life is a creepy, career-controlling father figure to straighten her out.
· We know that we've been dismissive of her work in the past, but suddenly we find ourselves somewhat more interested in that chick from The Hills. Hmmm. Must be the new bathing suit.
· Jimmie Walker and Ann Coulter: What's not to get about that?

As far as we're concerned, as soon as any penis-bearing young adult sets foot on the American Idol stage, they're instantly classified a Gay, regardless of sexual inclination. But Season 6 breakout star Sanjaya Malakar was more than just a Gay to us: He was a no-talent Gay with almost supernaturally versatile hair. As it turns out, however, Sanjaya is actually a 100% red-blooded heterosexual male, trapped in the body of an extremely gay-seeming teenager:

If you are finding it increasingly difficult to avoid DreamWorks' trumpet-eared ogre, it probably has something to do with the rapidly approaching premiere of Shrek the Third, coming soon to every available advertising and tie-in space near you. But a parents' advocacy group is having a hard time reconciling how Shrek and the gang—now appearing on specially packaged Happy Meals, Snickers bars, M&M's, Sierra Mist cans, Fruit Loops, Frosted Flakes, Pop-Tarts, Cheez-Its and Keebler cookies—can also be the faces of the government's new "Get off your asses, lardos!" anti-child-obesity campaign. The AP reports:

Perhaps hoping to talk down embattled, shouty actor Alec Baldwin from whatever ledge he may have crawled out on under the stress of his punishing cross-examination by The View's couchbound inquisitors earlier today, NBC has already released an official statement about Baldwin's surprising intimation that he asked out of his 30 Rock contract because of the media shitstorm in which he finds himself:

· Music round-up: The Lemonheads at the El Rey; Jet at the Troubadour; Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin laments the passing of their namesake at the House of Blues.
· Widely read, occasionally controversial fabulist David Sedaris will present some new pieces to a throng of screaming fans at UCLA's Royce Hall.
· AFI's music documentary series brings directors Barbara Kopple and Cecilia Peck to a screening of their Dixie Chicks film, Shut Up and Sing, at the ArcLight. Additional Chick attendance is rumored, but not confirmed.
· Largo hosts 826LA's Book Smarter Nightclub event to benefit their tutoring programs, featuring well-known singer-type person Fiona Apple, Todd Carlin of Naked Trucker and T-Bone Show, and Glasgow Phillips.