The new edition of Us Weekly offers a fresh installment of the magazine's daring investigative series into the home life of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, which the glossy portrays as only marginally less confining than a Turkish prison encircled by a moat full of sharks with a taste for B-list actress flesh. This week's hot button issue in the star-crossed couple's relationship, according to Us: Scientology "mommy classes" in which Cruise would like his war bride life partner to enroll, a course of instruction aimed at equipping Holmes with the Hubbardian parenting tech necessary to successfully raise Suri within the Church.

Says an Us source, "Katie was quite offended by that. Can you imagine when you're 28 and have your first child to be told you need to go to this church to become a better mom?" More maddening still are Cruise's unsubtle reminders to sign up for the coursework, such as his crazy-making way of pointing out the primary-colored Fisher Price My First E-Meter going unused in Suri's crib, then offhandedly mentioning, "Hmmmm, maybe if someone was over at the Centre in her Infant Auditing Level One class, our daughter might be taking a little more interest in her religion. Anyway, take your time. Her baby-thetans aren't going anywhere."