Predictably, anti-Lohan British rag News of the World, which memorably sensationalized images from a video depicting the actress innocently hanging around in a Teddy's bathroom stall, has cast a new round of photos in the least charitable light possible. Rather than recognizing that Lohan and a friend were merely playing the red-hot Hollywood after-party game "You Hold A Knife Up To My Neck, I'll Pretend To Stab You In The Breast A Couple Of Times, And Then Maybe We'll Make Out A Little," the paper misleadingly applies the labels "crazed" and "chilling" to their harmless, high-spirited shenanigans. Fortunately for the fragile starlet, she's insulated from such gratuitous tabloid attacks at Promises' idyllic Malibu stronghold, where she's busy trying to recover from an addiction she probably doesn't even have.

Back in the fall of 2005, Brad Pitt and George Clooney were widely reported as having co-invested in the Boom Boom Room, a Laguna Beach gay bar and hotel, though the actors' reps denied their involvement at the time. Its official buyer, Beverly-Hills-based billionaire Steven Udvar-Hazy, has now put the property back on the market. Smelling an opportunity to hang ten on a wave of some well-timed Oceans publicity, Lily-White Coastal Community Citizens for the Right to Get Hammered on Planter's Punch Among Their Own, Man-Loving Kind have enlisted the actors' help in an ad found on page 14 of today's Variety.

In this trying time of unjustly incarcerated heiresses, let us not forget what's truly important: the reporting of this weekend's box office numbers:

Destroying our secret hope that Paris Hilton's surrender to authorities would take place following a high speed chase in which the desperate heiress piled her menagerie of neglected pets into her Maybach and made a bold sprint for the Mexican border, it seems that Hilton's last moments of freedom played out relatively uneventfully.

· Lindsay Lohan Vs. Herself: The curb never saw it coming. SMASHED. Promises, Promises. Swerving in and out of memory lane. They look so peaceful when they are drugged unconscious, don't they? Shirley MacLaine is willing to wait for a good thing.
· NBC Shake-Up : No one foresaw Studio 60 outliving Kevin Reilly, but there you have it. First orders of Ben Silverman business: Renew The Office for a bazillion years, and let Trump think he still has a job in show business, just for the laughs it'll get at the department head meeting.
· Countdown to Lockdown: A cellmate is chosen. Goodbyes are spoken. Sisters cry out in anguish.
· On The Lot is fading fast.
· A perpetually pained Paula Abdul falls victim to the recent spate of leaked conference calls. Is nothing sacred?
· Casting TB Guy.
· Michael Bay still has a couple mindblowing tricks up his sleeve.
· Drama demands some industry respect.
· Britney explains it all.
· Brett Ratner hearts Hillary Clinton.
· Oddly enough, Warner marketing had no problems spelling Naveen Andrews.
· Let the urban legends about J.K. Rowling's cryogenically frozen body lying beneath Hagrid's quarters begin.
· Has the world gone pirate-crazy?

· Ah, that's better. Now Jodie Foster's people can enjoy their weekend, knowing their client is special enough to Warner Bros. to finally have her name spelled correctly.
· We recommend that you watch the first few minutes of this video from the set of Iron Man because it's painfully obvious how little Robert Downey, Jr, usually ready to launch into a stream-of-consciousness digression the moment someone produces a recording device in his presence, doesn't want to talk to the poor kid from MTV. Also of interest: Favs seems to have slimmed down quite a bit, and is in fine directing shape.
· We recommend that you watch this video only if you're willing to wash your eyes in bleach at its conclusion. [via LA Rag Mag]
· Judd Apatow isn't thrilled with this "Mayor of Comedy" business. Besides, he makes way more money than a mayor these days.
· You know what never ceases to be a little weird, even though it's old news? The whole born-again Kirk Cameron deal.

As the pulverized Swarovski crystal sands runs through Paris Hilton's Hourglass of Freedom, members of her support network (consisting of various family members, sycophantic hangers-on, and exotic pets lacking the brain capacity to know any better) continue to bang the drum loudly on behalf of the persecuted heiress. Sister Nicky Hilton, while accompanying Paris to one of those glamorous Hollywood parties feting the introduction of a new text messaging device, was good enough to comment to People on the travesty of justice that is Paris's jail sentence:

Friday
· Music round-up: Deerhoof and Autolux at the Natural History Musuem; Matt and Kim at the Echo; Vietnam at the Troubadour; Linda Perry at House of Blues.
· The Naked Babies (featuring Rob "The Winner/The Daily Show/Brother of the Studio 60 Guy" Corddry) reunite at the UCB Theatre.
· LAT columnist Meghan Daum engages in a "lively conversation" with The Man Show alumnus Adam Carolla at the Skirball, which may or may not end with Carolla badgering the writer until she chugs a beer and spends some time bouncing on a trampoline.
Saturday
· More music: Louis XIV at the Roxy; The High Strung at Spaceland; Crystal Method DJ set at Vanguard.
· And back to the Skirball (just stay overnight, they won't mind), where the U.S. premiere of Diamonds in the Rough: A Story of Ugandan Hip Hop will be held, followed by a Q&A with the filmmaker and members of his cast and crew.
Sunday
· Pretty Girls Make Graves at the Troubadour; Bright Light Fever at the Knitting Factory; Willowz and The Western States Motel at Little Radio.
· King King hosts Lit Out Loud, a literary performance series that will feature the works of famous writer-types as read by famous actor-types, with some of the proceeds going to My Friend's Place. [via flavorpill]

Moments ago, walls were rattled, countless takes ruined, and nerves frayed by an unidentified flying something that just buzzed the sky about the Warner Bros. lot. Writes a spooked operative:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you spotted the star of your favorite CW series dumping her boyfriend at a local eatery.

Right about now, we know exactly what you need to get you to the Friday afternoon finish line: a superfun chance to win a fantastic prize by answering some totally unintrusive survey questions! We know! How did you people ever get so lucky? So here's how you get in on this directive from our ad sales team: Take this survey, e-mail the last question asked to surveys[at]gawker.com, and one random winner will receive a year of Netflix's 3-DVD-at-a-time subscription. And best of all: your participation is, like, amazingly subject to our usual contest rules! Another word in exuberant italics!

If we were ever to meet any of this week's sponsors in a bar and somehow trick them into a one-night stand, we would not use birth control, for we know that we'd have many, many laughs raising our bastard offspring together. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and invite us over for a rollicking evening of unprotected monkeysex, see this page.

· New NBC golden boy Ben Silverman is already hard at work, talking disgruntled Donald Trump down from a Trump Tower ledge by reopening talks about possibly bringing back The Apprentice. "I can see this guy is gonna be a star," says Trump, appreciating the business savvy of a player who might not be afraid to throw away untold millions to return his low-rated show to primetime. [Variety]
· Dania "The One Who Drove AJ Soprano To Suicide" Ramirez will join Heroes as a series regular. (Hey, she's got mutant experience from X-Men 3.) While her "powers are being kept under wraps," producers are rumored to still be deciding between superhuman Rollerblading skills and the ability to make the world's most delicious sandwiches. [THR]
· The Canadian government quickly surrenders to visiting California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, helpless against his onslaught of tired movie catchphrases meant to communicate the importance of introducing tougher anti-piracy legislation. [Variety]
· Not that you might possibly care, but USA won the cable rights to Pirates 3, completing its acquisition of all three installments of the franchise. [THR]
· Pirate Master (which we actually watched, God help us, confirming our suspicion that it's nothing more than Survivor with an eyepatch and a big boat) is off to a weak start for CBS. None of us are going to make it through the summer TV season alive, we can feel it already. [Variety]

As there appears to be no sating the public's appetite for Z-list Celebrities Doing Stupid Shit That Might Actually Get Them Killed, the CMT network (we think one of those initials stands for "Country," but don't hold us to that) has graciously greenlit a reality series so irresistible, it might as well crawl right up into our DVR recorders and season-pass itself: Yes, everything we think you need to know about Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge is right there in the title, and the fun appears to have already begun well before its August 10 premiere, as TMZ is reporting that lesser, born-again Baldwin Stephen has taken a bone-crushing spill off a bull:

Following today's much-anticipated Good Morning America appearance by Andrew "The Guy Who Decided It Was OK To Fly With a Drug-Resistant Strain of Tuberculosis" Speaker, the networks will undoubtedly be clamoring to adapt his story into the kind of ripped-from-the-headlines television product of which audiences are so fond, and so we are here, as we always are, to lend a hand in the casting process. Because we feel Speaker's tale has appeal as both the customary CBS MOW (Health Fugitives: A Love Story) and a more cutting-edge ABC sitcom (TB Guy) satirizing the way America unfairly stigmatizes the ill, we're providing choices for both comedy and drama: The Office's John Krasinski (hat tip to commenter heidiho) and crossover superstar Harry Connick, Jr, respectively. Let the frenzied phonecalls to their agents begin!

Before Alec Baldwin's Mametian approach to child-rearing went public through a leaked voicemail left for his porcine, etiquette-challenged 11-year-old daughter, Tracy Morgan was the 30 Rock star garnering the most unwelcome headlines for the fledgling sitcom. A DUI arrest last November led to a guilty plea bargain that allowed the comedian to avoid jail time if he agreed to make high school appearances and wear a SCRAM. Sitting down with the AP in anticipation of his upcoming gig hosting Spike TV's Guys Choice Awards, Morgan waxed philosophical about his party-loving demons:

The battle for the entertainment industry's hearts, minds, and huge, filthy piles of cash raged on at the home of noted local political hacktivist Brett Ratner, who on Wednesday night generously hosted a campaign fundraiser for Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton. At the event, a mere $250 donation afforded Young Hollywood a rare chance to get close enough to the candidate to discuss matters of policy while gyrating to the strains of "It Takes Two" at Hillhaven Lodge's in-house disco, and an upgrade to the VIP level of patronage bought each Clinton supporter 90 seconds of face-to-face time with the senator in Ratner's famous photo booth. Var recaps the party, including an obligatory roll call of attendees:

Just in case you have somehow forgotten to circle June 5th on your calendars, we'll remind you that's the date by which imminently incarcerated hotel heiress Paris Hilton has to report to the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, which for the next 23 or so days will easily be the hottest, most exclusive prison in all of Los Angeles County.

· Today's pleasant surprise: TB Guy (already greenlighted to 2008 sitcom pilot by ABC, incidentally) has a hot wife! Also: Fuck you, TB Guy! says HuffPo blogger, rest of world's humans.
· This just in: shitty ratings are not good for network president job security. Mind-blowing, we know.
· Another great reason (even better than $1300 pre-teen Mystic tans) to love our city: the bike-by shooting.
· The Biel Spiel is unquestionably the best fake Jessica Biel blog out there.
· Can someone whip up one of these deals for L.A. before the summer's over? We could really use some exercise.

The Illinois Review blog (the "crossroads of the conservative community") posted a review of Shrek the Third that, despite acknowledging a positive, "pro-life" ending, still gave it a thumbs down. Their reasoning: They felt that the mannish character of Doris the Ugly Stepsister, voiced by CNN's trusted talk icon Larry King, is the byproduct of the Hollywood propaganda machine aimed at luring America's youth towards the evils of transgenderism: