Should the above clip of Paris Hilton's police-escorted departure from the Kings Road Detention Facility (complete with fashion report: she's "looking a little baggy and more casually dressed") not satisfy your hunger for up-to-the-minute reports about the progress of the heiress's low-speed journey to this morning's hearing, you can always switch over to Fox News.com's PARIS ON THE MOVE live stream, which is currently providing a bird's eye view of the courthouse from a hovering helicopter. But wait! Breaking: as we type these words, the camera has suddenly switched from the sky to the ground, where a number of paparazzi are milling around as they await her arrival, apparently not realizing that Hilton's already snuck in (not even the internet can keep up with the speed of this story) through a private entrance.

Inspired by the Canadian journalist who has successfully raised awareness of her knocking-up memoir by filing a lawsuit against Los Angeles-based comedy monopolist Judd Apatow, accusing him of stealing her unplanned baby and selling it to Universal, New Yorker writer and Superbad novelist Ben Greenman has issued an open letter to Apatow collaborator Seth Rogen, decrying the actor/writer/producer's re-appropriation of his original borrowing of some obscure James Brown intellectual property for his upcoming summer movie of the same name. An excerpt is above; fortunately for Rogen, no lawsuit is threatened, saving him the annoyance of having to fight off the kind of unhinged legal challenge that his allegedly womb-plundering friend is currently enduring.

The listening devices that Paris Hilton monitoring firm TMZ.com implanted deep within the sporadically imprisoned heiress are paying dividends this morning, as the site has been able to track on an almost minute-to-minute basis a battle between the judge and Hilton's attorney's over whether the heiress's brittle psychological state can withstand her physical appearance in court. It seems that Hilton will not be allowed to text in her statement by Sidekick (jail made me so :( i cld hurt myself. send cupcakes! lol) from the comfort of her home, and a van has been dispatched to collect her for the hearing (and gruesome tug-of-war) that's about to get underway. If you find this barrage of information a little too complicated to follow, we recommend you visit IsParisInJailRightNow.com, the most useful tool for keeping up-to-date on where Hilton will be serving the remainder of her sentence.

In the end, not even a beautifully acted public service announcement about the power of words to hurt homosexual castmates who displease fiery, intolerant performers, nor an impassioned plea to become gay himself, were enough to save embattled Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington's job, as ABC Studios decided yesterday not to invite the mercurial Dr. McChokey back for another season. Through his publicist, the actor reacted to his dismissal by quoting Network, saying, (and this, bizarrely, is not something we made up—don't people have publicist to stop them from doing things like this?) "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore," a cryptic expression of frustration and rage that has us vaguely worried that a slur-flinging rampage could be in the offing; victim/tormentor T.R. Knight would probably be smart to use some of his generous raise to get out of town for a little while, until Washington's anger over the loss of a steady paycheck subsides.

· Who crowned Clooney King of Hollywood when we weren't looking?
· We're told that there might be a topless picture of Mila Kunis here, but we've been way too busy to check it for ourselves. [UPDATE: We're told it's a fake that they mocked up for the movie. Mila Kunis's virtue is restored!]
· There's a $14 million Kevin Costner DVD for sale—and it's not even The Guardian.
· Denis Leary laments that hypocritical T-Mobile isn't more rape-positive.
· And, finally, a Thursday afternoon palate-cleanser.

After all we've been through today, we really don't have the strength to plow through yet another update, but we should note that a judge has ordered the controversially home-jailed Hilton to appear in court tomorrow morning, where the city attorney and a representative of the L.A. County Sheriff's Department will each grab one of the heiress's arms and pull with all their might, with control of the prisoner's fate awarded to whichever party winds up holding the larger piece of mangled heiress. Should be fun!

Beloved Brooksian muse Cloris Leachman, who, with the exception perhaps of a double Golden Girls sighting, has been clinically proven to be most effective at eliciting squeals of approval from gay men over the age of 45, has been dealt the lowest of blows by the unkind business we call show. Reports Variety's veteran entertainment reporter Army "Hollywood's Original Blogger" Archerd:

As this afternoon drags on, we've become increasingly desperate for any material not related to either The House-Arrested Socialite Who Shall Not Be Named, At Least In This Post or the imminent destruction of various entertainment industry outposts along Wilshire Boulevard. But salvation finally arrived in the form of this reader-supplied cameraphone photo of the sky above the Fox lot, illustrating ABC Family's efforts to publicize Kyle XY, a basic cable television show that our research has revealed to be about a teenage boy's struggles to remove a tight-fitting undershirt. Additionally, the bothersome buzzing of skywriting biplanes (really, this stunt never gets old!) prompted some others to document the difficult of properly rendering a airborne promotional message on a windy day:

You know who's never had a real job? That's right: Paris Hilton. And look where that lack of work ethic landed her: Trapped in a multimillionaire dollar house that's constantly under siege by people forcing baked goods on her. Right now, head over to the Defamer Job Board and get yourself a steady paycheck before you succumb to a similarly horrific fate.

· Music round-up: Kaiser Chiefs at the Henry Fonda; Unsane with 400 Blows at Spaceland; Lets Go Sailing at the Troubadour.
· Norman Mailer and playwright son John Buffalo Mailer are featured in tonight's Music Center Speaker Series event at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion. Here's hoping that their exchange becomes so heated that tough guy Dad takes it upon himself to prove he can still whup his punk kid's ass.
· What do comedian Julia "It's Pat!" Sweeney and astronomer Dr. Michael "Yeah, That's Right, I Fucking Demoted Pluto Out Of Full-Blown Planet Status" Brown have in common? Damned if we know, but they'll be chatting at the Hammer tonight.

Because we once swore on a stack of six-month-old glossies in the lobby of a shady direct-to-video production company in Simi Valley to exhaustively chronicle every celebrity detox attempt that crossed our desks—with no celebrity too paunchy, sunburned, or sloppy-seconded to escape our scrutiny—we pass along news of the latest in what will surely go down as a bounty year for rehabs:

Reports are pouring in about a bomb scare stopping traffic over on Wilshire Blvd, close to the headquarters of SAG and across the street from Variety and E! [Ed.note—Has anyone checked to make sure that Seacrest is safe?] A sampling of our nearby operatives' descriptions of the situation apparently created off by a mysterious briefcase left in front of Organic to Go:

With the media gathered at the orgy developing outside Paris Hilton's house greedily filling each quivering news-hole in the aftermath of the heiress's unexpected release from lock-up, we salute the LAT for uncovering an orifice that had yet to be penetrated. In detailing the chaotic scene at the Kings Road Regional Detention Facility, the Times brings word of which of the area's warring cupcake factions was first to the scene with snack; unsurprisingly, the treat-pushing attention-whores from Mrs. Beasley's arrived with the cameras:

Late yesterday afternoon, we noted the plight of employees toiling in several CAA Death Star-adjacent office buildings, who have been suffering inhumane, air-conditioning-free working conditions since "construction workers" damaged a water line that feeds their climate-control systems. Today, our suspicion that the Century City-terrorizing agency is behind the ongoing outage deepens: We've received this obviously counterfeit flier supposedly from the "management" of 1900 Avenue of the Stars, an inept attempt to lure those whose mental faculties have been impaired by the sweltering heat of an uncooled office to their doom. We recommend that those in the affected buildings remain in the safety of their cubicles, avoiding at all costs the seemingly friendly, Armani-clad popsicle pushers on the Plaza level who will gut them the instant the opportunity presents itself. We only hope we're not too late.*

IndianaJones.com is currently boasting some big cast gets for Indy 4, the wildly anticipated summer '08 release which promises to do for arthritic archaeo-adventurers what Rocky Balboa did for steroid-abusing former heavyweight champions—i.e., show 'em that Hollywood has no problem employing the elderly if they sense there's some money to be made. Among the announced actors are Cate Blanchett, John Hurt, and Biggest Star in The World For Two Heady Weeks in April Shia LaBeouf. Sadly, however, an official statement penned by Professor Henry Jones himself, aka Sean Connery, informs us that the series' fourth installment will contain none of The Last Crusade's snappy father-son banter:

· HBO and Tom Hanks' Playtone are close to a deal to adapt the Vincent Bugliosi book Reclaiming History: The Assassination of President John F. Kennedy into a miniseries that would finally pay some attention to the allegedly shadowy circumstances surrounding the too-long-ignored event of JFK's untimely death. [Variety]
· John McTiernan will direct the "Las Vegas action thriller" High Stakes. The director's impressive list of credits include Die Hard, The Last Action Hero, and lying to the FBI about his involvement with wiretapper-to-the-stars Anthony Pellicano. [THR]
· Bourne franchise BFFs Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass are close to reigniting their professional love affair with an adaptation of the book Imperial Life in the Emerald City for Universal. [Variety]
· Newly installed NBC Universal TV Studio president Katherine Pope celebrates her promotion by dumping a huge pile of money in Heroes creator/executive producer Tim Kring's lap. [THR]
·And in other "showrunners getting filthy rich" news, Scrubs' Bill Lawrence (pictured, looking stunned by his staggering wealth) signs an eight-figure, four-year overall deal with ABC Studios, who bought him out of his NUTS contract. [Variety]

A Defamer operative just forwarded us this photo of the scene unfolding a little while ago across the street from the Standard Hotel on the Strip, where a local CBS news van suffered a fender bender. The circumstances of the accident are unclear, but our spy notes, "Oddly enough, the van had been stopped at the light at Sweetzer. So it's not like it had been barreling down the street." We hope that the vehicle wasn't headed to Paris Hilton's new minimum security detention facility, as any delays suffered as a result of the collision would certainly compromise the CBS affiliate's ability to provide up-to-the-minute footage of the outside of the mansion-confined heiress's home.

It could easily be argued that misunderstood ADD-survivor Britney Spears's romantic history is riddled with mistakes, beginning with her decision to marry and procreate with an ambition-challenged background dancer whose primary vocation was his pursuit of mastery over the art of one-handed joint rolling. But that was the scrambled, pre-Promises Britney; the new Britney, reports trusted supermarket news source The National Enquirer, has fallen for someone with only her best interests at heart:

[Note: A thrilling UPDATE after the jump!] We at Defamer realize that there's no way that our readers can be expected to continue on with their day with an explanation for Paris Hilton's unexpected release from prison as maddeningly vague as "an unspecified medical condition" hanging in the air, and so in the interest of restoring you to productivity, we note this anonymously sourced explanation of the heiress's mystery malady:

Well, that was fast: After serving five lifestyle-cramping days at Lynwood's Century Regional Detention Facility, Paris Hilton has been released from the jail to serve out the remaining 40 days of her original sentence at home, monitored by one of those unflattering, Martha Stewart-style electronic ankle bracelets, which she's already busy bedazzling with Swarovski crystals to minimize its impact on her cutest home-confinement outfits. Unspecified medical reasons were cited for the early release; while confidentiality laws prohibited a sheriff's department from disclosing the exact problem, he did allow that she may have been "psychologically bummed" about her imprisonment and that the facility's staff feared the humiliating intake body cavity search she was subjected to may have permanently extinguished the impish glimmer in her lazy eye, prompting the hasty change of venue.