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IndianaJones.com is currently boasting some big cast gets for Indy 4, the wildly anticipated summer '08 release which promises to do for arthritic archaeo-adventurers what Rocky Balboa did for steroid-abusing former heavyweight champions—i.e., show 'em that Hollywood has no problem employing the elderly if they sense there's some money to be made. Among the announced actors are Cate Blanchett, John Hurt, and Biggest Star in The World For Two Heady Weeks in April Shia LaBeouf. Sadly, however, an official statement penned by Professor Henry Jones himself, aka Sean Connery, informs us that the series' fourth installment will contain none of The Last Crusade's snappy father-son banter:

"I get asked the question so often, I thought it best to make an announcement. I thought long and hard about it and if anything could have pulled me out of retirement it would have been an Indiana Jones film. I love working with Steven and George, and it goes without saying that it is an honor to have Harrison as my son."

"But in the end, retirement is just too damned much fun. I, do however, have one bit of advice for Junior: Demand that the critters be digital, the cliffs be low, and for goodness sake keep that whip by your side at all times in case you need to escape from the stunt coordinator! This is a remarkable cast, and I can only say, 'Break a leg, everyone.' I'll see you on May 22, 2008, at the theater!"

The regrets, pithy as they are, should come as a significant disappointment to millions of fans, who longed to see three generations of Joneses trading wisecracks while taking turns manning the wheel of a hijacked Nazi convoy truck under heavy enemy fire. Still, Junior might do well to heed the advice of his former co-star—a trailblazing inspiration to all aging, cantankerous, leading he-men who have grown to prefer the quiet company of a good scotch and/or woman to that of a bearded, baseball-cap-wearing director shouting repeatedly through a bullhorn to infuse more enthusiasm into one's 50th take discovering King's Solomon's elusive Executive Bathroom Suite of Gold.