Looking for something to do with your free time at work besides trying to find new ways to circumvent your company's internet porn filter? Why not spend some time on the Defamer Job Board, searching for an employer with more permissive policies towards your healthy enthusiasm for naked people?

· Contrary to a previous report, the head of Germany's Bundesanstalt fuer Immobilienaufgaben says that the government won't stop Tom Cruise and his Valkyrie production from shooting on their historical military sites because he's a Scientologist, and should grant the movie a film permit as long as Cruise promises that any massage-and-Dianetics tents he plans on installing on their set won't distract members of the Ministry of Defense from their day-to-day duties. [Variety]
· On Wednesday night, Fox's dancing competition triumphs over ABC's celebrity-impersonator and insane-inventor competitions, as well as NBC's struggling-comedian competition. Please, do yourself a favor and cover your television in a sheet that you swear not to remove until September. [THR]
· The following elements have been attached to Body of Lies, an adaptation of a CIA-set novel by David Ignatius: actor Russell Crowe; actor Leonardo DiCaprio; director Ridley Scottl screenwriter William Monahan. [Variety]
· Do you ache for more Tom Selleck MOW appearances? Suffer no more, for CBS has ordered another installment of the actor's Jesse Stone series. [THR]
· Hunky-but-still-serious actor Ryan Gosling joins Mummy refugee Rachel Weisz in Peter Jackson's adaptation of The Lovely Bones. [Variety]

Reaction to Paris Hilton's first post-Lynwood TV interview came swiftly, with the majority of critics finding the model/singer/social person's Larry King Live performance somewhat lacking in the sincerity department. A round-up from around the web:
· Hilton's life is described as a "virtual pop opera," but the interview is found to be sorely lacking on "crucial points" such as her claustrophobia, her reported $1 million interview asking price, and the fact that all her writings looked suspiciously to be scrawled in the penmanship of Elliot Mintz—suggesting her P.R. manservant had pulled an all-nighter forging 23 days worth of inspirational, jail cell scribblings. [LAT]

Just moments ago, internet-based celebrity toxicology-analysis firm TMZ.com exclusively revealed that Lindsay Lohan, whose extended imprisonment at a minimum security Malibu facility has been unfairly overshadowed by an attention-whoring rival's brief, court-ordered vacation in an unfashionable part of town, may have been under the influence of alcohol and drugs during her Memorial Day Weekend joy ride:

While acquiring a stalker is generally a luxury afforded to Hollywood's A-list, occasionally a celebrity whose once-hot career has cooled manages to collect an unwanted admirer. Rarer still is when the overzealous fan comes from within the entertainment industry itself, where people are often too jaded by constant exposure to talent and too busy with their jobs to be bothered with the time-consuming task of collecting the personal relics (locks of hair, used cotton balls, third-grade report cards and what-have-you) necessary to build an acceptable shrine to the object of their obsession. However, today's NY Daily News Gatecrasher column claims that Little Black Book star Brittany Murphy has not only garnered a stalker of her own, but that he's the Hollywood insider kind:

In the end, CNN Grand Inquisitor Larry King did not, as we'd briefly dared to dream, douse himself in lantern oil and set his body aflame during his much-anticipated post-incarceration exclusive with Paris Hilton, as tantalizing as the prospect must have seemed after about thirty seconds of lobbing his softballs in the heiress's direction and watching them disappear into a dead-eyed abyss.

· Court TV explores the explosive intersection of molesty elves, Dolly Parton, and dinner theater.
· A bullet to the head: the miracle cure for so many of life's little problems.
· Things have gotten so bad for ditzy famous people that they can hardly purchase a really cute Chinese handbag emblazoned with Commie slogans without human rights watchdog groups shitting all over them. Will the persecution never end?
· And you know what? If Clooney was walking around with one of those Commie-purses, we bet the press would just give him a free pass, what with all the Darfur stuff and whatnot.

• John Stamos Explains 'Out of Character' TV Appearance [People]

Over at TMZ, the popular online inmate-support group with which an incarcerated, existentially despairing Paris Hilton established such a strong emotional bond that she was moved to create great art celebrating their connection, teaser clips of tonight's Larry King Live appearance are being posted so furiously they we may not have to watch the actual broadcast when it airs in about 90 minutes. [Ed.note—HAHAHA. Just for that, you will watch it on a loop until daybreak while hungry crows peck at your breadcrumb-encrusted genitals.] Above, enjoy our exclusive screen-capture of the exact moment when Hilton's eyes, finally free of the tinted contact lenses that so long obscured their natural brilliance with a lifeless azure, sparkle with pride as she explains how her trip to the MTV Movie Awards was merely a clever subterfuge designed to conceal her trip to jail from the media.

In just a few short hours, Michael Bay's Giant Fucking Robots will lay waste to Westwood Village for the L.A. Film Festival's orgiastic premiere of Transformers, but right here, right now in your browser window, Black 20's Cheap Fucking Robots are coming. Be afraid.

· Music round-up: Les Claypool at the Henry Fonda; Mandy Moore at the Roxy; Lukas Haas at Hotel Café. And oh yes: Some guy who used to be in the Beatles or something will be at Amoeba, so go nowhere near Sunset and Cahuenga if you didn't already get a wristband.
· Jon Lovitz. who may or may not live full time in the catacombs beneath the club, performs at the Laugh Factory.
· Outfest Wednesdays at the Egyptian Theatre offers Wigstock: The Movie, followed by a discussion with director Barry Shils and actors Alexis Arquette, Jackie Beat, and Holly Woodlawn.

In the discussion of the potential work stoppage waiting to cripple Hollywood upon the rapidly approaching expiration of several union contracts, it's all too easy to become consumed with talk of multiplatform residuals, de facto strikes, and script stockpiling, impersonal matters that distract from the human cost of the looming labor Armageddon. A piece in today's NY Times on the strike-induced scheduling crush affecting the industry's most coveted talent finally puts a face—a stubbornly still-cherubic, relatable, and franchise-supporting face—on the issues:

It would seem on the surface that there are few parallels to be drawn between Sir Winston Churchill and Paula Abdul, but there nevertheless exists striking similarities between the two popular figures: Both have suffered at one point or another from a coherency-impeding speech defect, both have pitched moderately successful jewelry lines on QVC, and both were admired for their ability to deliver rousing speeches before an audience of millions in moments when peril loomed greatest, such as the threat of Nazi domination or Constantine Maroulis's impending ouster from American Idol.

Basic cable news has never enjoyed a prouder, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"* moment than when MSNBC anchor Mika Brzezinski, soul-sick over the prospect of tainting journalism with yet another update about Paris Hilton, shredded her script in protest, plunged a handy letter opener into the heart of nearby instigator Joe Scarborough, then finally defenestrated herself, restoring dignity to a noble profession debased by obsessive celebrity coverage. Inspired by this display, CNN's Larry King is expected to drench himself in kerosene and self-immolate three minutes into tonight's much-anticipated exclusive with the heiress, leaving Hilton to cry her crocodile tears to his flame-engulfed, utterly unsympathetic form.

In its current issue, The Advocate pointedly asks why I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry was scheduled to premiere opposite Outfest's opening night—the one night that was sure to siphon off at least some of the rose-tinted limelight away from the festival and towards the Adam Sandler and Kevin James comedy about healthy, American males masquerading as (ha ha!) betrothed sodomites:

· On the Lot CancellationWatch: Fox's unkillable Nielsen invalid draws just 2.3 million viewers, despite a return to an earlier format in which its contestants were challenged to direct comedy shorts featuring bank-commercial-quality humor levels and production values while racing against a ticking clock. (Adrianna Costa CleavageWatch: Covered up, again.) [Ed.note—Don't worry, despite the creepiness of that image from TheLot.com contestant Jess Brillhart is not dead, she was just dismissed from the competition at the top of the show, in blatant disregard for reality TV convention. ] [THR]
· Stalag 17: It's Spike Lee meets Broadway meets WWII prison camps! [Variety]
· The NBA will remain on ESPN, ABC and TNT through 2016. Pop quiz: Who won the recent, scarcely watched NBA Finals? [THR]
· Tom Cruise and longtime enforcer Paula Wagner will drop by the Cinema Expo in Holland to promote Lions for Lambs, as well as Valkyrie, the movie whose shoot the German government isn't too excited to be hosting. [Variety]
· Another sign the Hollywood apocalypse is nigh: FX pays about $16 million for the cable TV rights to Wild Hogs. [Variety]

By now, we've all gotten to know new NBC co-chair/rock-star Ben Silverman well enough that we feel sufficiently informed about his lofty goals, party "problems", recreational passions, and early corporate triumphs, but now that his reign at the network has begun in earnest, we think it's important to recognize the concrete steps he's already taking to promote the Culture of Fun he believes will deliver the Peacock from its fourth-place misery. Among the paradigm-shifting changes already instituted: doing away with those annoying morning meetings, which did nothing but amplify the pain of a skull-shattering hangover with the bad vibes transmitted by the overnight Nielsens. Reports the LAT:

In the end, hosting The Price is Right would remain a wish unfulfilled for Rosie O'Donnell, who recently announced on her blog that after having met with producers, the stress of uprooting her family and relocating to the West Coast would be too much for the former co-host of The View. (Or as one relieved executive put it once she was safely out of the building, "Oh well—I guess we'll have to find some other clinically depressed, rageoholic military-hater to man the Big Wheel!") O'Donnell, meanwhile, posted a photo of daughter Vivienne Rose yesterday, uniformed like a baby Fallujah insurgent preparing to rise up with her like-minded brothers and sisters against the corrupt Hasselbeckian regime. Rosie e-mailed The ShowBuzz to explain how the controversial image was taken during an afternoon of innocent, backyard dress-up:

According to an item in today's Page Six, there is at least one place in town where celebrities and industry power players can enjoy a refreshing cocktail without being surveilled by media spies, an old-school establishment that deals harshly with the interlopers who might text news of their whereabouts directly into the evil mainframes of the Tabloid-Industrial Complex. This is a tale of Aniston, protected:

Is the following a comprehensive rundown of all the latest Paris Hilton-related news produced since we passed out Tuesday night? No, it is not. But it should provide you, the person who desperately wants to avoid making a personal connection with a co-worker as you wait for your turn at the office coffee pot this morning, with enough vapid small-talk material to keep the too-friendly from knowing your heart.