On Friday, executives all over town will discover that no matter how many times they offer their anguished cries of, "Who the fuck does my assistant have to blow for me to get one of these goddamn iPhones?" to the Hollywood heavens, they'll still find themselves without the universally coveted, yet tragically scarce, miracle gadget. Those whose fears of status-symbol deprivation are most acute have already been working every last connection to obtain the phone, knowing that showing up to dinner at Cut without it would be tantamount to unzipping one's fly at the maitre d' stand and revealing to everyone in the restaurant that one's genitals had mysteriously disappeared. In a story about the growing anxiety surrounding iPhone Day, Ad Age notes how the industry's power players plan on getting their greedy hands on one:

It's been a little while since last we've checked in with the Phil Spector trial, in which time the defendant's trademark blonde bob has sadly lost its bounce and luster (see left). Still, not all hope is yet lost for the genius hit-maker who stands accused of murder, as the first expert witness for the defense insisted the gunshot that killed B-movie actress and House of Blues hostess Lana Clarkson was entirely of her own doing:

It truly is a wonderful time to be young, thin, obscenely wealthy, and not currently in jail, and so in honor of a certain internationally beloved heiress who just happens to be all four of those things, we proudly present this round-up of Paris Hilton updates from around the web:
· A copy of Paris's prison canteen order (pause for completely understandable shock that such a jail convenience exists) included soy sauce packets, a banana nut muffin, emery boards and an eyebrow pencil. [TMZ]
· A 9:30 a.m. home appointment with DreamCatchers Hair Extensions meant Paris was weavetastic and ready to conquer Robertson by the noon hour. [Us]
· The first day of freedom was spent at her parents Bel-Air estate, where pink balloons, a cake, and a "Pick Me Up (From Jail)" bouquet greeted her upon her arrival. [People]

· Music round-up: The National with The Broken West at the El Rey; Funeral for a Friend at the Troubadour; Snoop Dogg at the Henry Fonda (if you can't find tickets, the contact high from out of the sidewalk should be good enough to make the trip anyway).
· Actress Amy Smart, whom you may remember from her fine topless work in Road Trip, signs her new DVD release, Peaceful Warrior at Dark Delicacies.
· Radio Free Silver Lake presents its Let's Independent! show at Boardner's, which features Bedroom Walls, Tandemoro, and Frankel. Also: It's free.

According to THR ESQ, two professional dancers (one of whom goes by the catchy monikor "The Dance Doctor") are suing CAA, claiming that the evil agenting monolith took their treatment for a show called So You Think You Can Dance, packaged the concept with juggernaut, American Idol-producing clients Simon Fuller and Nigel Lythgoe, and sold the show to Fox without them, cutting the potential creators out of their share of the network's improbable hit with a curiously identical name and format. In the most controversial section of the complaint (excerpted above, and available in the story), the plaintiffs boldly call into question the widespread, and generally accepted, talent agency practice of "fucking people over"; should their suit eventually succeed, such an anti-fucking precedent could irreparably harm the ability of agencies to go about their crucial work, bringing the entire entertainment industry to a standstill.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you spotted former Seinfeld star and noted stand-up nose-diver Michael Richards on a Third Street Promenade shopping spree:

So overcrowded is the summer movie marketplace that the only way to distinguish one's upcoming blockbuster product from the blowing-shit-up competition is to hit the talk show circuit and recreate some of the fun that awaits fickle moviegoers upon their next trip to the multiplex.

Lindsay Lohan's crash-and-burn Memorial Day tailspin has had significant implications for her summer social calendar: Canceled, for example, was her 21st birthday soirée in a Vegas nightclub, in which she was to be lowered by crane into a swimming-pool-sized martini glass, where she'd remain submerged until she had ingested all of the sponsored contents, save for two oversized prop olives. Still, sacrifices needed to be made, and her ongoing treatment at Promises has proven so successful, she's opted to extend her stay, says intermittently present mother figure, Dina Lohan:

With Paris Hilton's release from jail seriously crippling your "FREE PARIS" t-shirt business, maybe it's time to hit the Defamer Job Board and find a means of employment less dependent on the whims of the justice system. Luckily for you, opportunity abounds in this week's listings:

· Hollywood invades the Middle East! MGM partners with a Jordanian animation company on a 26-episode Pink Panther & Pals cartoon series, while Paramount plans to erect a theme park in Dubai that exploits properties like Top Gun, Titanic, Mission: Impossible, and many, many others. Visitors to the UAE park will be moved by an animatronic Effie's emotional delivery of "I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" on Dreamgirls: The Ride. [Variety, Variety]
· Get excited: Legendary Pictures will pump $1 billion into its co-financing and co-production deal with Warner Bros. Who can't get psyched when multimedia conglomerates and financing entities hook up to minimize the financial risks of producing another overbudget Superman sequel? [THR]
· In the most hotly anticipated hosting announcement of the largely unwatched summer TV season, Joey Fatone will oversee the smooth operation of NBC's karaoke clusterfuck The Singing Bee. [Variety]
· Speaking of the summer TV wasteland, Fox wins the 18-49 demo with Top Chef: Shouty, Brain-Damaged Edition, while NBC fails to win behind a two-hour, all-Mark-Consuelos-hosted block of our new favorite shows, Kittens Vs. Cougars and the premiering Science Vs. Penis. [THR]
· Even with American Idol drawing tens of millions of teenagers away from their MySpaces twice a week, Fox's median viewer age passed 40 for the first time last season. Expect some emergency counterprogramming in the form of the Wilmer Valderrama-hosted So You Think You Can Watch Our Channel, You Old Fuck? [Variety]

Like any seminal moment in culture, socialite-cum-muse Paris Hilton's 23-day incarceration has inspired the production of great art, and not just from the photographers who captured the indelible image of the heiress weeping in the back of a police car as she was cruelly torn from of the comforting womb of home-imprisonment. Above, find two examples of the exciting output of two local artists: at left, the Century Regional Detention Facility's most talented inmate presents her unofficial jailhouse biographers at TMZ with a self-portrait and thank-you note for their "fair and unbiased reporting of the events in my case"; at right, artist Leon Leonard Jr. awaits Hilton's release so that he can share an airbrushed tribute that breathtakingly captures a spirit that could not be crushed by a tragic miscarriage of justice.

Former Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington has been devoting a good portion of his newly cleared schedule to the granting of angry, uncensored interviews, in which he connects the not-so-obvious dots to help us better see T.R. Knight as the Machiavellian, closet-exiting opportunist he truly is. And while the natural impulse for most of us would be to set up folding chairs in order to take in one of the most spectacular career-immolations in recent memory, Washington is quick to point out to EW that the offers have been flooding in since Dr. Burke's untimely demise:

Having already had the release date of his beloved Captivity delayed by the MPAA's displeasure over an accidental billboard campaign depicting step-by-step instruction on how to capture and torture a B-list actress, and recently having witnessed the bombing of the higher-profile Hostel Part II, desperate, self-consciously controversial After Dark CEO Courtney Solomon is trying to salvage his movie's box office prospects by bragging to the NY Times about the over-the-top coming-out party he's throwing to celebrate his movie's arrival in theaters. Boasts Solomon about the upcoming premiere orgy at Privilege:

• Paris Hilton Gets Out of Jail [AP]

"I'm not sure when or why the tabloid angle on me was decided that I am a cad," writes Zach Braff on his MySpace blog. Hmm! Could it have been on or around June 6? Just a guess! He continues to refute "tabloid" claims of his caddishness like so: "I would have much rather it had been that I am secretly a dentist or that I love soup. I am in fact, merely doing what every other single 32 year old man in NYC is doing this summer. I am dating. If you must read that stuff, please don't digest it as fact. It is probably one of the only real shitty things one has to get used to when living in the public eye, but I suppose one of the benefits of this blog is that you can hear it directly from me."

· These are truly exciting times over at IndianaJones.com. Not only have they treated us to the first photos of Harrison Ford in a dusty fedora taken in nearly 20 years, they've now released exclusive footage of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas drinking champagne and staring at a monitor. (Also while wearing distinctive hats!) Who knows what special surprises the coming weeks will bring cyber-savvy Indy fans?
· Things that Barbara Walters considers "beneath her": interviewing Paris Hilton once she gets out of jail. Things that Barbara Walters is OK with: reading aloud on The View a transcription of a conversation she had with Paris Hilton about finding God while she was still in jail.
· Does no one have the heart to tell Renee Zellweger that boinking a CAA agent is so Hilary Swank in the summer of 2006? It's tragic, really.

Because we at Defamer realize that many of our readers toil in windowless dungeons buried deep beneath Hollywood's surface, and that any glimpse of the sky, no matter how secondhand, is likely to temporarily brighten the drudgery of their slave labor, we share with you this reader-supplied photo (click the above image for a larger version) of the Live Free or Die Hard promotional display soaring over Los Feliz a little earlier this afternoon. Unfortunately, the most crucial part of the four plane-formation, i.e., the one trailing the OTHERFUCKER component of the airborne campaign, was grounded prematurely due to technical problems, leaving spectators merely with an unsatisfying, incomplete message of "YIPPEE KI YAY M...THE BEST IS BACK...LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD."

Despite his teary-eyed pleas for leniency, a judge has sentenced crank aficionado Tom Sizemore to 16 months behind bars for his May 8 arrest outside the Bakersfield Four Points Sheraton on suspicion of several drug-related charges, including statute 195.202, "Intention to chew a hole through one's cheek while under the influence of a controlled substance." From People.com:

· Music round-up: Bill Bateman at King King; Burning Brides at Echoplex; Eagle and Talon at the Troubadour; The Deadly Syndrome at Spaceland.
· The Echo Park Film Center hosts the Filmmaker's Alliance's bimonthly showcase of "local indie gems."
· At Vroman's, Trevor Corson signs his new book, The Zen of Fish, a look at sushi's journey from LA/SF/NY food fad to the raw-tuna-devouring sensation that now grips virtually the entire country.