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Is the following a comprehensive rundown of all the latest Paris Hilton-related news produced since we passed out Tuesday night? No, it is not. But it should provide you, the person who desperately wants to avoid making a personal connection with a co-worker as you wait for your turn at the office coffee pot this morning, with enough vapid small-talk material to keep the too-friendly from knowing your heart.

· Although the V-D Day the NY Post celebrates on today's cover officially began lifting the hearts of bimbos everywhere at midnight yesterday, the bacchanalia will still be raging on nearly 48 hours later, when Hilton joins skeletal softballer for her first post-incarceration TV appearance later tonight, as we're so subtly reminded by the understated, full-page ad in today's Variety. [NY Post, Digital Variety]

· In an exclusive People interview with People exclusively presented by People, People, the exclusive home of Paris Hilton's first weekly magazine sit-down, Paris Hilton exclusively reveals that those who doubt the sincerity of her jailhouse conversion from "dumb girl" to the "Mother Theresa of hotel heiresses, but hotter" are, like, wrong: "They're wrong and they don't know me. I'm a good person. I'm a compassionate person. I have a big heart. I'm sincere, and they'll see." [People]
· Freed from the burden of documenting Hilton's post-jail thoughts by People's glossy magazine exclusive, Us Weekly fills its pages with photographs of adorable celebrity babies, none of whom have yet gone to jail. (With the possible exception of Sean Preston Federline, who may have quietly served two weeks back in early 2006 for driving his mother's car without a valid license.) [Us Weekly]
· However, UsMagazine.com reports that Sheriff Lee Baca has revealed that Hilton was suffering from a "life-threatening psychological condition" known as "decompensation," a debilitating malady that makes prison inmates regress to third-grade-level skills in handwriting, composition, and self-portraiture. Putting her on a home-imprisonment time-out closer to her fingerpaints was the only humane thing to do. [UsMagazine.com]
· This is a photograph of a baby playing with a puppy. [Heavenly Reflections]