Chris Farley lives! Or at least that what some are claiming, having returned to us in the form of a baby girl whose first words could very well end up being, "Well, la-dee-freakin-da!" [openedgemedia.com]

Yesterday, Isaiah Washington revealed that gayhab exists only in the same mythical realm as [spoiler alert] Tinkerbell and the Tooth Fairy, thereby throwing into question everything we thought we knew about celebrities' seemingly sincere efforts to better themselves after precipitating a very public and catastrophic blow to their careers. Unfortunately, this appeared not be an isolated incident, as Britney Spears is alleging that her recent Promises stay was yet another case of the fauxhab epidemic currently sweeping Hollywood. Reports TMZ.com:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you spotted Ryan Atwood quietly plotting his next career move at a Venice eatery.

Wonder what Tom Cruise has been up to recently besides scrapping with the Scientology-hating Germans who want to stop him from killing Hitler? Fighting with Meryl Streep, apparently, in Lions for Lambs. [Moviefone]

As anyone who's ever gone under the knife in a desperate attempt to stay competitive with the kittens who keep stealing all the fresh cougar bait knows all too well, facelifts don't last forever. Those who remember the last time we elected for some minor blogoplasty can probably guess that the surgeon interrupted us before we could get out a single response to his "tell me what you don't like about yourself" invitation, choosing instead to go batshit upon our humbled, naked form with his unforgiving grease pencil. We're still a little unsure about the results, but he did gently whisper a promise that we'll come to love his work once the swelling goes down as we luxuriated on his bearskin rug, exhausted from a vigorous round of coitus.

Join us once again in our weekly public display of affection for our advertisers, any of whom we'd show up to greet upon their highly publicized exits from prison, even if we'd have to curtail our vacations to be there. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and see our loyalty in action, see this page.

· After a summerlong run of sequel-clogged weekends where the eventual winner of the box office battle was all too obvious, the outcome of the upcoming Die Hard vs. Ratatouille fight seems up for grabs. We're not betting against Pixar, even though we'll probably wind up watching John McClane blow shit up. [Variety]
· Oh yeah Die Hard made $9.1 million on Wednesday, its first official day of release. Is that a lot? We're not good with midweek box office record data. [THR]
· Universal signs up erstwhile Biggest Comedy Star In the World Jim Carrey for Sober Buddies, one of those magical projects with a title so concise that we don't have to waste any time explaining it. (OK, OK, Carrey is a Sober Buddy who falls off the wagon while helping an alcoholic pal on a business trip in Vegas. Hilarity ensues, etc etc.) [Variety]
· 3.2 million viewers tuned in to CNN to for Larry King's post-jail interview with Paris Hilton. While this was King's highest rated show since 2005, consider that three times more people watched So You Think You Can Dance on Wednesday night if you'd like to feel a little better about the public's TV-watching taste levels. [THR]
· We would never ask you to start thinking about the Oscars in late June. That's just sick, really. [Variety]

Realizing the same camera-equipped menaces tailing her every baby-fumbling, crotch-flashing, and head-shaving misstep might actually be of service to her, troubled pop icon Britney Spears enlisted the help of the paparazzi to locate Lynne Spears, in order to personally serve her estranged mother with a threatening legal letter. The elder Spears's crimes: "Gettin' all naggy n' stuff" about her daughter's hard-partying lifestyle, while cozying up to former pimp/dependent, K-Fed. The entire exchange—not at all staged by the public histrionics enthusiast for the benefit of the lurking video cameras—somewhat fittingly played out on the steps of a trailer. From the NY Post:

The trades are so often clogged with full-page, talent-fellating ads purchased by producers, agencies, or studios hoping that an insincere expression of their devotion will strengthen their mercenary bond that's it's a refreshing change of pace to see an actor thanking those who are nurturing his fledgling career. Those flipping over today's copy of Variety will discover the above message of heartfelt gratitude on the back cover, a gracious display sure to help one up-and-coming performer chase his crazy dream of traveling all over Eastern Europe alongside one of cinema's biggest movie stars, shooting the best straight-to-video action spectacles favorable Romanian tax codes will allow.

Even though the city's Apple and Cingular stores will be overrun today by loyal assistants authorized to murder rival line-waiters if it means their bosses will be able to show off an iPhone over tonight's power-dinners, the miracle device's incompatibility with the corporate e-mail servers that power the industry's longtime status symbol/technological shackle, the Blackberry, means that fad-horny Hollywood will have no choice to adopt the douchebag affectation popularized by lightly fictionalized Entourage agent Ari Gold. Reports Variety:

Viewers of Wednesday night's friendly chat between Paris Hilton and CNN softballer Larry King will recall the interview's one marginally tense moment, when King's spit take of disbelief following his subject's repeated claims that she'd never done drugs showered the heiress in the host's black coffee, ruining her best "prison has made me a better, more compassionate person" outfit.

· First Cavemen, now Jim Belushi. What new ways will ABC find to humiliate George Lopez?
· A bizarre twist in a thoroughly unpleasant story.
· Paris Hilton: The NDA.
· Here's an early-ish review of Transformers; we're not entirely sure, but we suspect that when a reviewer says he wants to "hunt down Michael Bay and stab him in the face-eye," it's not necessarily a rave.
· NBC rock star Ben Silverman: The Simpsons character.

Even though we're painfully aware of how little reality is involved in the production of reality television, we're nonetheless a little saddened that a reader ruined Spray-Bronzer Christmas by forwarding us this casting notice revealing the people we'll eventually see wandering into "L.A.'s most successful upscale tanning salon" on E!'s Sunset Tan, each of whom will present a unique pigment-correction challenge for the show's aesthetic technicians. As entertaining as it might be to watch the Olly Girls climb a step-ladder to evenly distribute Too Tall's perfect copper topcoat, stoop to slather a little person in high-end cocoa butter, or bicker over to the best way to color-match a prosthesis and a tragic farmer's tan, the magic of the show is inevitably diminished by knowing all their quirky characters were just ordered from a casting agency's take-out menu.

What, you may or may not find yourselves wondering, could agitprop documentary director Michael Moore possibly have in common with guerrilla-comedy king Sacha Baron Cohen? Quite a bit, it just so happens, as a chance encounter at last year's Toronto International Film Festival led to a mutual gush-a-thon between the two mischief-making filmmakers:

The prosecution in the Phil Spector trial spent the better part of the day aggressively trying to discredit defense witness Dr. Vincent DiMaio (pictured), a forensics expert and author of a book on gunshot wounds, who insists the only way Barbarian Queen star Lana Clarkson could have died the night she followed an insistent Spector to his castle-like manse was by placing the gun in her mouth and pulling the trigger herself. DiMaio cited both physical and circumstantial evidence, including the fact that the aging actress seemed depressed over her dwindling career prospects—at which point the world's most ubiquitous ex-con socialite made an unexpected cameo:

· Music round-up: The Album Leaf at the El Rey; Monsters are Waiting and Mellowdrone at the Roxy; The Mooney Suzuki at Spaceland; Prince at the Roosevelt.
· Girl-powered comedy tag-team Julie and Jackie lure The Room's Tommy Wiseau to the UCB Theatre to be the latest victim of their shared obsessions.
· Whip It Out Comedy's show at the Hollywood Improv has Marc Maron (of Air America), Morgan Murphy, Dragon Boy Suede, Louis Katz, and, as we are fond of saying, many, many more. And best of all, because we know you're an educated consumer of night-time entertainment: it's free if you go here and send them an e-mail.

The already ferocious industry competition for our city's scarce iPhone supply may have just become much fiercer with the addition an utterly ruthless player to the market: Sources tell us that CAA has dispatched* up to 10 assistants to infiltrate the camp outside of the Death Star-adjacent Apple store in the Century City mall, where the coveted device will be made available for purchase in a mere 21 hours.

Despite a seven-figure backing from her network, Meredith Vieira's post-prison Paris Hilton interview was never meant to be. In its place, the Today host would have to settle for the manic comic stylings of Robin Williams (expertly compiled into the above montage by Gawker Media videologist, Alex Goldberg). Amidst his delightful monkeyshines, the actor claims that nothing stronger than caffeine is coursing through his veins—a claim we are prepared to swallow more readily than a similar one made recently by John Stamos, who's been wielding giant glass dildos and generally running amok Down Under. It's a vivid reminder that one needn't partake in drugs and alcohol to make a prolific amount of comedy—though they do tend to help immensely in making it seem funny.

The Defamer Special Correspondent on Holy Objects Consecrated by Celebrity Martyrs submitted this image of a blessed relic resulting from the chaotic, yet spiritually transformative, scene surrounding the site of Hilton's TV appearance yesterday, where the persecuted heiress was publicly flayed by faithless CNN inquisitor Larry King. Soon, pilgrims from all over the world will flock to the Wooden Cart of Our Lady Paris and leave their names on its modest surface, a journey that will forever connect them with others in the community of believers dedicated to mindfully retracing the sainted socialite's footsteps on her journey towards primetime self-sacrifice.

Grey's Anatomy casualty Isaiah Washington certainly hasn't been keeping quiet about his unceremonious shitcanning from the ABC series, having repeatedly broken his silence on the subject, clarified his silence-breaking, and further appended those clarifications to any news outlet still interested in listening. Until now, the target of his fury was gay mastermind T.R. Knight, whom he had accused of single-handedly orchestrating one of the most ingenious behind-the-scenes power plays in recent, horny-doctor-drama history. In an exclusive interview with Newsweek, however, Washington reveals how nothing in this workplace disaster was what it seemed: