· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Molesting Bacon Edition: Paramount is remaking Footloose as (in the words of Var) "a full-blown musical" starring High School Musical's Zac Efron, who we're sure will one day go on to become the Kevin Bacon of the Disney Channel generation. [Variety]
· Fox Atomic acquires the comedy Don't Lean on Me, the story of a high school gym teacher who is reluctantly promoted to principal. We'd uncharitably compare it to Summer School, but someone's already defiling resurrecting that classic of our early teenage years. [THR]
· Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix rolls out today on more than 9,000 screens, marking the widest opening in Warner Bros. history. Huzzah! But sadly, as a sequel, it stands no chance of breaking Transformers' impressive first-week box office record. [Variety]
· In a rebranding effort that will forever change the way you perceive the channel where you watch Most Shocking, Body of Evidence, and L.A. Forensics, Court TV is rechristening itself truTV. [Variety]
· NBC's Singing Bee, which endeavors to recreate for viewers the experience of what it would be like to spend eternity in Hell's most popular karaoke bar, starts strong, improving upon on its America's Got Talent lead-in. We are all doomed. For real this time. Oh, and we almost forgot: Fox's nearly identical Don't Forget the Lyrics debuts tonight. [Variety]

Rosie O'Donnell's cruise line, The Angry Lesbian of the Sea, set sail again for the Bahamas, a prime opportunity for the outspoken comedian to delight a captive audience of 1500 vacationers with a brainwashing session comedy routine about her pet obsessions: Dumpling-cheeked neocon Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and swivel-chair branding whore Donald Trump. UsMagazine.com has the exclusive:

It had completely slipped our minds that today is one of the most important dates on the Hollywood calendar, but thanks to a helpful reader who wanted to make sure we wouldn't forget to note it here, we now gently remind everyone to set aside a moment to celebrate Steven Spielberg's Narrowly Averted Rape Day. Explains DailyRotten.com:

Whatever progress Hollywood looked to be making in telling mature, well-observed stories of sheepwrangler-on-sheepwrangler action in Brokeback Mountain appears at first glance to have been set back considerably by the impending release of I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, an Adam Sandler comedy about two straight firemen who unconvincingly masquerade as a gay couple in order to get into Jessica Biel's pants. Don't let the stereotype-laden and unfunny trailer that's been running ad nauseam since April give you the wrong idea, however. A GLAAD authority has seen the movie twice, and stamped it Gay Kosher:

Why is L.A.'s Department of Water & Power trying to kill Gore Vidal? It might have something to do with him trying to go off the grid by installing some solar panels. Laments the author, "They tore out my elevator, which gets me up from the downstairs part. I'm a gimp." [Rush & Molloy]

We were genuinely curious to see how Paramount handled the tricky matter of composing the boast-copy for its obligatory "Hey, look at how much money we made!" spread in the trades, as Transformers' box office "record,"* while more than impressive enough to earn emperor Brad Grey's subjects a celebratory day off, does require the use of that unwieldy "non-sequel" qualifier.

Our country's talent pool, it seems, has been so thoroughly drained by the approximately three-dozen Idol-style competitions currently clogging network summer schedules that the best America's Got Talent can book is a man whose gift is to hurtle himself headlong through a pile of folding chairs.

· Generally speaking, we'd rather have our genitals scorched off with a red-hot fireplace poker than pay attention to anything related to the lives of David Beckham and Posh Spice, but when the story involves setting the record straight about whether or not Posh uses a diamond-encrusted vibrator, we can make a onetime exception.
· But as long as we're on the subject, Posh says Scientology never comes up when she hangs with Tom and Katie, even when Cruise repeatedly clears his throat and nods his head towards the e-meter on the kitchen table, hoping in vain for his friend to take some interest in his faith.
· It's nice to see that Cavemen's recasting process gave ABC a chance to place a big name into the beleaguered project.
· In other Geico-related news, Optimus Prime is having a bitch of a time getting his insurance agent to reimburse him for damage sustained during his efforts to protect freedom for all sentient beings.

Throughout the Phil Spector trial, we have learned much about the accused's sociopathic past, filled with misogynist death threats and loaded handguns produced at the slightest provocation. But what of the victim? Lana Clarkson is most often referred to as a B-movie actress, best known for her work in Barbarian Queen, and who had been making ends meet by taking a job as a hostess at the House of Blues.

Following the precedent he recently set to celebrate Shrek the Third's "spectacular" late May opening, Paramount emperor Brad Grey has once again offered his hard-working underlings a special treat, recognizing the "amazing" performance of the franchise-kickstarting Transformers over the six-plus-day extended Fourth of July frame by opening the gates of his Melrose compound and sending his well-behaved studio children out for their weekend Rumspringa a day early. Unfortunately, Grey is not, as we predicted at the time of his supersized Memorial Day holiday, flying the entire company to Cancun, an act of generosity he was clearly reserving for the event that Transformers set a significant box office record that didn't have a clunky "nonsequel" qualifier attached. Better luck in 2010 with Transformers 2: More Giant Fucking Robots Are Coming, Dreamamount gang.

Springfield, Vermont beats out 13 other Springfields across the U.S. to host the premiere of The Simpsons Movie, thanks in no small part to the nearby nuclear power plant, and a healthy population of three-eyed trout. [Reuters]

Andy Cohen, blogger, bon vivant, and high-ranking Bravo network pencil-pusher, is back from vacation, his batteries fully recharged after a whirlwind European adventure that saw him whisked from one glamorous society event to another, as befits a man of his stature. After yesterday's post—an Andy's-eye view of fashion designer Valentino 45th anniversary celebration in Rome—comes today's intriguingly titled meditation, "Things I Learned On My Vacation," which included this valuable life-lesson on the importance of capitalizing on lax international food and drug standards:

· Music round-up: Klaxons at the El Rey; Incubus at the Greek; Motion City Soundtrack at the Roxy; Goodbye Valentine at the Troubadour.
· It's Twin Peaks Tuesday at Mandrake, featuring episodes 3-6 from Season 1.Bring your own backwards-speaking dwarf.
· Patricia Schultz signs 1000 Places to See in the USA and Canada Before You Die at Dutton's in Brentwood. Really, are there so few essential places to see in America that we have to pad a book with Canadian landmarks?

Character actor Charles Lane, "whose crotchety persona and roles in hundreds of films made him instantly recognizable to generations of moviegoers," dies at 102. [!] [AP]

Real estate developer/reality television impresario/purveyor of high-quality mail-order meats Donald Trump has added yet another line of business to his relentlessly expanding, conspicuously branded empire, today announcing a partnership with retail monolith Staples to produce Trump Office™, the greatest line of luxury—yet tantalizingly affordable —executive seating this world has ever known.

Just in time to shake your afternoon blahs, take a guided YouTube tour through recent highlights of Lindsay Lohan's life. If she stays sober, we may have already experienced the best crazy she has to offer. [Uber.com]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time you spotted Bradford Family patriarch Dick Van Patten killing some time at a Starbucks in the Valley.

"Women who participate in that kind of superficial and 'mean girl' behavior are totally missing out on the true sorority experience." The Delta Delta Deltas are, of course, lying, hoping to draw a crowd of hopeless undesirables to their rush events who'll walk blindly into their punishing gauntlet of eye rolls, bitchy comments about their clothes, or hints about their weight like, "And every day, we have a super-healthy salad bar that totally helped me drop five pounds. So! You'd probably want to check that out if we become sisters!"

An important update on the inventory at local Kwik E Marts can be found here. Bad news: If you're craving a Chutney Squishee, you're probably shit of out luck. [Caroline on Crack]

If you don't mind how the posts tend to stick together, our pervy cousin Fleshbot is always a great place to go for the latest in XXX takes on Hollywood releases. In the grand tradition of The Da Vinci Load, then, we present for you their latest discovery—Black Snake Boned!. Amazingly enough, the filmmakers have somehow spun the quaint source material—about a white, Southern, nymphomaniac party girl chained to a radiator by a physically intimidating African American bent on "taming" her—into something more appropriate for adult fare.