Because we realize that not everyone can rebound from an apparent career disaster by quickly being hired to another incredibly high-paying gig, we give you the Defamer Job Board, a place where you can pick yourself up by your virtual bootstraps and get on with your working life.

This just in: Teri Hatcher enjoys stealing the spotlight from her castmates. [Gatecrasher]

· ABC's Steve McPherson on Monday's announcement that pal Kevin Reilly is headed to Fox: "I hear when they fire me, he's going to come run this place," McPherson said. He then continued, his face rapidly draining of blood, "Haha, I'm just kidding guys, my job is completely safe. Guys? Guys? We're fixing Cavemen, I told you that yesterday!" [Variety]
· Every basic cable Christmas special should find a place for former 90210 star Shannen Doherty, whose very presence announces the arrival of a magical Yuletide spirit. [THR]
· Finally: Desperately Seeking Susan: The Musical! Featuring, bizarrely, music from Deborah Harry and Blondie's back catalog. Will the story still play with "Heart of Glass" instead of "Into the Groove"? Developing... [Variety]
· Fox's beleaguered On The Lot, airing a night earlier than usual because of tonight's All Star game, comes in fourth place in its timeslot against only rerun competition. Even we didn't watch it last night, and it's our job to monitor its death-throes. [THR]
· Speaking of Fox, the renegade network plans to use its Emmy awards telecast to launch its fall season, a week before Nielsen's officially decreed start date for the ratings race they will largely concede until the next season of Idol premieres. [Variety]
· Universal buys the rights to Vanity Fair article about Barbaro, Gone Like the Wind, for triple-threat-hack Peter Berg to direct. Somewhere, our buddy Will at Deadspin faints dead away with delight. [Variety]

Mel Gibson's ongoing love affair with the indigenous peoples of Central America—whose untold histories are ripe for adaptation into factually iffy, hyperviolent big-screen adventures—continues. Not only has the Apocalypto director extended the borders of his Malibu empire to include a home on Costa Rica's Pacific coast, but he recently sat with the country's President to pledge his financial support for their native Indians:

Among the notables putting in an appearance at Polaroid's Malibu beach house: Lindsay Lohan, Entourage's Kevin Connolly, and at least one former convict not named Paris Hilton. [TSG]

Perhaps the best leading indicator of an inevitable backlash is the creation of at least one hastily conceived mash-up trailer (a meme that never gets tired) for the still-shooting film, an appearance that heralds six more months of feeling like some viral marketing staffer from Paramount has planted a foot firmly on our windpipe, releasing it only long enough for us to wheeze out an affirmative answer to their repeated question, "Don't you see how fucking cool this is going to be? Come on, it's J.J. Abrams!"

"The pink stucco, H-shaped estate, dubbed Beverly House by the late newspaper magnate, is spread across 6.5 acres north of Sunset Boulevard. It has just about everything a billionaire could want — including three swimming pools, 29 bedrooms, a state-of-the-art movie theater and even a disco." For $165 million, all you get is one disco? We're pretty sure Brett Ratner's house has a disco on every floor. [LAT]

According to an item in today's Page Six, Paris Hilton is savoring the sweet freedom so cruelly denied her during the 23 days she was a helpless victim of the Los Angeles County criminal justice system; just as she was once roughly shuttled to and fro from home imprisonment to the Century Regional Detention Facility, a newly liberated Hilton now flits between safe-places Les Deux and Teddy's, where she's sharing her contagious enthusiasm for post-incarceration life with fans:

While most movie-tie in toys are conceived with no loftier goal than the draining of an indulgent parent's bank account, on last night's Late Show, David Letterman enthusiastically demonstrated Transformers's Optimus Prime-themed My First Orgasm playset, designed to help preadolescent males become comfortable exploring their rapidly changing bodies.

· Madonna demanded that interviewers not break eye contact with her for the duration of their backstage encounter at Live Earth, a measure necessary for her to cast the Kabbalistic mind-control spell that prevents reporters from asking intrusive questions about her disastrous film career or black market orphan purchases. Word has it that the spell takes hold more quickly if her subject inhales the vapors from a candle that smells like God or if he or she can be tricked into touching her red string bracelet.
· Following last night's episode-ending, tranny-junk-dangling freeze frame, Entourage creator Doug Ellin promises the rest of his series will be schlong-free.
· Is this the exact moment that Jason Lee's career began an irreversible downward trajectory? Only time will tell.
· Harry Potter fans really need to just let go.
· Truly, the new generation is high to glue to fuck the type quickly.

One of Hollywood's pettier divorces in recent memory—that of Men in Trees star and intermittent lesbian Anne Heche from her cameraman husband Coley Laffoon—takes another childish nosedive today, with the soon-to-be-exes squabbling in court over various items of clothing, furniture, and accoutrements that have gone missing from the annoyingly designated rooms of their shared L.A. home:

The all-too-fragile peace of the Hollywood Walk of Fame impersonator community has once again been shattered by an alleged act of character-on-character violence, with Fake Marilyn Monroe accusing Handsy Chewbacca of assaulting her during an otherwise routine tourist shakedown. Reports our local CBS affiliate on the distubring attack of a ersatz American icon sure to rock the Chinese Theatre to its very foundation:

Don't worry, citizens of Keizer, Ore. Those traffic barriers that resemble giant penises will be far less offensive once the city goes through with their plan to outfit them with chains and iron cock rings. [komotv.com via BoingBoing]

· Music round-up: Carina Round for free at the Virgin Megastore on Sunset; Eskimohunter and Mere Mortals at Spaceland (also free); Spindrift at the Roxy's On The Rox.
· Doug Benson includes Greg "He's Just Not That Into You™" Behrendt and Paul F. Tompkins among his Comedy Friends at tonight's Largo show.
· Get your Teuton on (did we really just write that?) as the the Goethe-Institut Los Angeles screens Die Mauer (The Wall) for a mere five-spot.

It's official: the much-rumored-about Fox reunion of former FX pals Peter Liguori and recent NBC Memorial Day Massacre victim Kevin Reilly (pictured above slipping his business card to Liguori at a luncheon two years ago, knowing he'd one day have to hit up his old boss for a job) has come to pass, with Reilly, as expected, taking over the crucial programming responsibility of shouting at panicked underlings, "I don't care how the fuck we do it, but I want American Idol on every night from now until the Earth hurtles into the sun!" Variety notes the irony that Fox's new hire will now have the opportunity to turn the power of that aforementioned Nielsen Death Star against the schedule he meticulously crafted for NBC shortly before his ouster, watching through bittersweet tears as each crass Idol installment wipes out his classy primetime children one by one.

In the end, any of the progress made by the defense with the testimony of forensics expert Vincent DiMaio—who's convinced, for $400 an hour, of the unlikely scenario that Lana Clarkson went home with Phil Spector to end her own life—will likely be negated by a damning statement allowed today by Judge Larry Fidler. It seems, according to a New York cop, that the music producer would show up to Christmas parties at Joan Rivers's house, carrying a gun and speaking rather prophetically about wanting to shoot every woman present in the head:

"I noticed that you were interested in the new comedy Superbad. We're helping to promote the movie and wanted to hook you up with a free widget for you to put up on your blog. It has a trailer and some other goodies for your readers. The encoding is below. Enjoy!"

Actress/children's book author/celebrity blogger Jamie Lee Curtis, who last week so memorably shared her feelings about how reality TV cooking competitions are surely a precursor to unscripted shows ending in televised executions, today returns to HuffPo to explain the psychological defense mechanism that allowed her to temporarily overcome a crippling fear of terrorism on a recent trip to England:

Oscar nominee Toni Collette still insufficiently famous to get her name into a headline announcing the birth of her first child. [CNN.com]

It's hard not to marvel at the transformation undergone by reformed socialite Paris Hilton, who went into the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood a lowly, scenewhoring caterpillar, only to emerge from the cocoon-like confines of her solitary confinement cell a socially conscious and spiritual butterfly. Still, a free woman has every right to occasionally get her Ketel One-and-cran on, and so Friday night marked the heiress's first foray back into the Hollywood nightlife scene, where she spread the gospel among peers by singing along to her own, studio-enhanced vocals. From People.com: