· Var issues its tribute to Hollywood ladypower, the Women's Impact Report, as well as its Hazardous Impact Report, an inventory of the tabloid-attracting trainwrecks who seek to sabotage the work of the Stacey Sniders, Nancy Tellems, and Laura Ziskins of the world. [Variety, Variety]
· Has there ever been a worse time to be a TV viewer? CBS and Fox split the ratings race last night behind a Two and Half Men repeat and a new episode of Hell's Kitchen. [THR]
·"U[niversal] brass felt Vaughn was money and he didn't even know it." [Variety]
· Wondering what Blair Underwood's been up to? Knock yourselves out. [THR]
· Hollywood StrikeWatch, Stockpiling Edition: A report from permitting agency Film LA to be released today reveals that local TV and feature production has risen at a rate unseen since the eve of a feared 2001 strike, a figure suggesting that the studios are indeed squirreling away all the product they can in preparation for a possible work stoppage next year. Meanwhile, WGA members are making their own preparations by fighting over pallets of canned corn in the aisles of Costco. [Variety]

From the "no shit, Sherlock" department, Star Jones Reynolds is finally confessing what anyone with half an eye and a brain cell already knew: that her 160-lb. weight loss was due to gastric bypass surgery. After spending years denying that she went that route, in an upcoming Glamour column Star seems to gloss over the magnitude of that whole messy lying in favor of playing the insecurity card:

Curbed LA notes a mysterious delivery of multiple hot tubs to Social Hollywood, speculating that their sudden appearance might be a harbinger of one of those charming, "actual famous people go here!" Entourage location shoots. It's certainly a possibility, but another explanation could be that with the recent closure of local soak-and-poke institution Splash, Social's savvy owners might merely be moving to fill the void left by its shuttering by offering a more upscale, fucking-in-a-disease-riddled-crockpot experience to its patrons.

Continuing its proud tradition of reality programming centered around larger-than-sane-life characters whose low-grade mental illness enhances their professional success (see Blowout's narcissistic personality disorder sufferer Jonathan Antin and Hey Paula's apparent dissociative identity victim), Bravo tonight unleashes Flipping Out and its house-renovating, compulsively abusive protagonist on the world. Notes the NY Times:

Apparently, merely yearning for the sight of Scarlett Johansson lovingly devouring pounds of sweaty ladyflesh does not make it so. Johansson's reps are swiftly, stiffly nipping in the bud all rumors that she will step into porn star Jenna Jameson's edible panties:

As any Hollywood resident who has ever suffered the heartbreak of discovering that their freshly washed vehicle has been even more freshly shat upon by an incontinent flock of air-rats can tell you, the pigeon menace must be stopped at all costs. Good Morning America this morning looked at the efforts of local anti-pigeon crusaders to slow the filthy avian population explosion by mixing birth control into their feed (spiking their drinks with roofies and then carting off their unconscious bodies was a plan that proved far too resource-intensive), a measure that just might avert a crisis where every block between Western and La Brea is wiped out by a fetid, white blanket of bird shit. Should the pilot program prove successful, a more radical neighborhood clean-up effort involving the mass sterilization of all Hollywood clubgoers could be put in place by the end of the year.

Finally, some details about the series of events that led up to ABC News contributor Merry Miller's amusingly inept interview of Holly Hunter. We had a feeling that a Teleprompter malfunction would figure in the explanation. [TV Newser via Gawker]

Maybe we spoke too soon yesterday when we said that the Rule of Three had been satisfied and we wouldn't be receiving news of any other notable passings for a few days: Directing legend (yup, another one) Michaelangelo Antonioni, of Blowup, Zabriskie Point, The Passengers,, and L'Avventura fame, has died at 94. [Reuters]

· Did Robert Evans pony up some dough to give a little back-pat to his boy on Brett Ratner, Billion Dollar Director Day? You bet. Did Big Bob tear up a little when he picked up that Sharpie to write a nice note to a guy that's like a son to him? You know it, kid. [ad via Digital Variety]
· Did you really need an expert to tell you that celebrities feels so protected from life's problems by fame that they might not realize they have substance abuse problems until they've bottomed out?
· Inspired by Lindsay Lohan's recent, racially charged finger-pointing, HuffPo presents Great Moments In The "Black Kid Did It!" History.
· Trust us, don't click on this one.

Perhaps seeking a little insurance in case NBC gets cold feet about renewing its vows with The Apprentice, Donald Trump tried to snuggle up to arch-enemy Rosie O'Donnell's ratings-saving bosom. FOXNews.com reports that, as part of a "celeb-driven season," The Donald offered the pigfaced mess a cool $2 million to work for 12 days on the struggling reality show about boardrooms, professional finger-pointing, and unnatural follicular biology:

• Michael Bay: Power Director [YouTube]

"I want to tell girls that cute and dumb isn't as good as cute and smart." And with those words, former The Wonder Years star Danica McKellar's agent's number was deleted from the address book of every casting executive in town. [Yahoo! News]

LAT reporter Geoff Boucher on getting jumped at Comic-Con: "'You calling me stupid?" 'No, I'm not.' Then I stopped talking, because my mouth was bleeding. One of his buddies, standing off to my side, cold-cocked me, and the ring on his fist took a chunk out of my face. I never saw it coming. I was at the emergency room until dawn." [LAT Comic-Con Blog]

· Music round-up: Eskimohunter at Spaceland; M.I.A. at Echoplex; Sons & Lovers at the Viper Room.
· In celebration of last night's premiere of Two Coreys, head over to the New Beverly for a double feature of The Goonies, featuring Corey Feldman, and Back to the Future, a movie that should have found a part for Corey Feldman.
· Because we think you really need a deeper understanding of the patch of asphalt upon which you park your Prius, we direct you to "Pavement Paradise: American Parking Space" at the Center for Land Use Interpretation, "an exhibit about the liminal, substanceless, and static space of automotive transience."

Fans of Scarlett Johansson — or of her cleavage — must be donkey-punching themselves with glee over rumors that the Oscar-nominated actress may bring that necessary dose of gravitas, youth, and authentic breasts to an upcoming Jenna Jameson biopic. According to the Daily Express, the self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Newspaper" and bastion of the rigidly fact-based journalism we've come to cherish from the British tabs, naturally curvy Johansson has assumed the missionary position and will cleave to the role of the surgically enhanced porn star in a Universal project:.

"He's out there too much, too publicity-conscious," Evans says. "It hurts him. He should be more legitimately accepted and praised for his work as an artist instead of being seen as a flamboyant butterfly. He lacks mystery; directors far less capable are embraced by actors because of their mystery."—from "Ratner Boasts Box Office Prowess," Variety, July 30, 2007, Brett Ratner, Billion Dollar Director Day.

Your enthusiastic calls for more anonymous surveys about nonspecific, possibly personally intrusive topics have been answered: Because someone inside Gawker Media's Survey Administration Department loves you more than you can ever know, we're once again offering the chance to win prize-like stuff for answering question-type things. Just click over here to take this survey, then e-mail the last question asked to surveys[at]gawker.com for a chance to be the one random winner of a $300 Ikea gift card. My word, the fun you'll have luxuriating in an easy chair you've assembled with a single hex wrench! Remember, the price of this amazing opportunity is that you agree to be bound by our standard contest rules. Surveys aweigh!

Last week's wall-to-wall coverage of Lindsay Lohan's spectacular transformation from mostly harmless, self-destructive fun-time girl to alleged hostage-taking, assistant-stalking Denali drag-racer provided ample opportunities for various experts to weigh in on the degree of legal and career fuckage she may have suffered as a result of her latest DUI arrest. Today, however, Good Morning America largely eschews the opinions of so-called professionals in favor of those whose area of expertise is limited to a single pursuit: mindlessly consuming anything to which Lohan's name is attached. GMA's nonscientific, random sampling of I Know Who Killed Me ticket-buyers revealed a mixture of disappointment in the current product tempered by a delusional faith in the actress's abilities:

Gentlemen, hide your clippers; ladies, clean out your grease traps: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are finally legally single. And despite K-Fed's alleged fury that she took the kids to Vegas without permission (why learn boring counting when you can learn to count cards?), the semi-professional sperminator apparently experienced a fit of amnesia and agreed to share custody of the kids:

In the matter of Blogger vs. Jessica Biel's Hotness, Corporate Casual declares: "But I guess it's like they always say, one man's 'sexiest woman alive,' is another man's 'lead actress in the Frances McDormand bio-pic.'" [Corporate Casual]