At Wednesday night's Chinese Theatre premiere of Rush Hour 3, the latest installment of his tripartite cinematic exposé on the intolerance of native-born comedians towards recent immigrants who've had trouble learning to speak unaccented English, director Brett Ratner took a moment to put four of the greatest achievements of humankind into their proper perspective. Declareth Ratner, according to the LAT:
Forgive our naivete, but by this point we thought Courtney Love was about as messed up as she could possibly get. But the campers at Dysfunction Junction have welcomed her back with open arms, as she's mysteriously dropped more than 50 pounds and now looks like a refugee from the flesh-melting climactic scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark. London's Daily Mail has bravely gone out on a limb and decided her attitude about the emaciation is suspect:
· Ricky Gervais will star in Early Retirement, a pitch Warner Bros. bought about a a workoholic who—get ready for it—quits his job to spend more time with his family, a decision we're sure has uproariously hilarious, unforeseen consequences. [Variety]
· Hollywood StrikeWatch: The AMPTP reaches a deal with the Teamsters and several craft unions, freeing them up to dedicate all of their attention to convincing the Writers Guild that the internet is just a silly fad that will never generate reliable revenues. [THR]
· Paramount becomes the fifth member of this year's "billion dollar club," and is already busy designing the trades ad touting itself as the Highest Grossing Non-Sony/Warner Bros./Disney/Fox Studio of 2007. [Variety]
· Amazingly, Fox's On the Lot has still not been canceled, though its viewership is now limited almost exclusively to the friends and family members of the remaining contestants. It's a real shame, because Penny Marshall's largely incomprehensible stint as guest judge last night was really something to see. [THR]
· Where Are They Now? Former Children's-Birthday-Wrecking, Alcoholic Party of Five Clowns Edition: Scott "Bailey" Wolf signs a talent holding deal with ABC. [Variety]
Is there no end to ICM's unspeakable cruelty? First they take his job, and now they're coming for his beloved anti-Semite (and all his other clients): "'All the other talent agents at ICM have been meeting 'round the clock to make sure that all Limato will take when he leaves is the shirt on his back,' laughed one insider. 'ICM's Doug MacLaren has been working with Gere for years and believes he'll stay. ICM chief Jeff Berg handled much of Gibson's business and made Mel rich. And Berg originally signed Steve Martin. They are gleeful at the prospect of sticking another agency with the bill for Limato, and keeping all of his clients.'" [Page Six]
On a conference call about how much richer Shrek the Third is making him, DreamWorks Animation's Jeffrey Katzenberg passes up a perfectly good opportunity to throw Paramount emperor Brad Grey under the bus: "'We feel they have done an outstanding job of marketing and distributing our products to date,' Katzenberg said. 'We continue to have very, very good relationships over there with all of the management from Brad on down.'" [Variety]
Since we found CNN.com's promotion of the world-shaking news that Whoopi Goldberg would fill the Rosie O'Donnell-shaped indentation on The View's couch a little too subtle, we've proposed a better way for them to assure that eyeballs will be more effectively directed to the most important, breaking story of any given moment. We're sure the changes won't require much more than a couple of lines of Javascript, a small investment of design resources that should pay immediately dividends in optimized traffic flow.
Well, America, our long, sleepless nights of stress and nail-gobbling suspense are finally over: Baba Wawa has finally announced that "Oscar-winning actress and Broadway superstar" Whoopi Goldberg is permanently replacing Rosie on The View as its moderator, mysteriously leaving off her resume that grand televisual nugget Whoopi! . The news was greeted by a standing ovation from the audience, which is clearly relieved that Baba would apparently rather die before allowing Behar or Hasselbeck to run the show. Still, we give it three days before the Whoopster has Elisabeth in tears. It's just the natural way of things.
With the simultaneous release of covers stories trumpeting the plight of Britney Spears' two young sons [Ed.note—Weren't there three at one point? Maybe she left one in the Bellagio on her last trip to Vegas. Pls. research.] in progressive-parenting journals Us Weekly and Life & Style, an air-raid siren has been sounded at the headquarters of California Child Protective Services, and a van full of baby-repossession officers immediately dispatched to the Spears residence to investigate explosive charges of infant over-juicing, toddler teeth-whitening, and high-end real estate squatting.
Apparently, the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair will feature a piece on that increasingly vital subset of the celebutard population, Guys Who Have Married, Impregnated, Or Serially Copulated With Women Who Possess More Wealth And/Or Fame Than They Do, an exposé on the hanger-on lifestyle (one which, in the words of writer Nancy Jo Sales, seems to have no downside) that will feature Kevin Federline, the guy from The Good Charlottes who knocked up Nicole Richie, and Cisco Adler, among others.
It must have been a slow news night for Access Hollywood, as this segment touting Discovery's popular Shark Week features nary a troubled actress being torn limb from limb by the ravenous predators. But you know what? Watching civilians fight for their lives has it own charms, and the network will probably have an all-celebrity shark attack special soon enough.
In this topsy-turvy world of starlets with brains and divine smitings, it's a relief to know we can count on our masterful DVD bootleggers to peer into their crystal balls and show us how good things could be. A reader sent us this still of the cover of a cheap, pirated copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which radically improves the film by slapping an R rating on it to account for the antics of its salacious new cast:
As it turns out, it was not Social Hollywood that was proudly reigniting the soak-and-poke torch tragically extinguished by the ceremonial dumping out of the last tubful of the venerated Splash spa's overchlorinated, DNA-rich waters. A note we just received from a helpful publicist reveals that it was the neighboring BOULEVARD3 (all caps theirs) that recently offered its upscale clientele the exciting opportunity to enjoy an evening of delicious food, top-shelf cocktails, and unrepentant, jacuzzi-enhanced fornication:
While neither as glamorous nor as bloody as the Cupcake Wars of Beverly Hills or the citywide Yogurt Conflict, the cost-slashing battle for supremacy in San Gabriel's Chinese foot massage racket is nonetheless compelling. Don't miss the exciting cameos by Hollywood superstar Jackie Chan and controversial Sheriff Lee Baca! [LAT]
· Music round-up: Peter Bjorn And John at the Henry Fonda; M.I.A. at Echoplex; Michael Penn at Largo.
· Patricia Bunin, Monica Holloway, Mae Respicio and Samantha Schoech sign The Bigger the Better, the Tighter the Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image, and Other Hazards of Being Female at Dutton's Brentwood Bookstore. That very detalied title provides all you need to know about the topics covered by this particular work.
· The Egyptian Theatre hosts a screening of Atlantic Records: The House That Ahmet Built as part of a celebration of the record company's 60th anniversary. Potential post-screening guests are too numerous to list in this space.
While we at Defamer realize that any of our female readers with acting aspirations hardly need our help in procuring the services of "producers" willing to exchange sexual favors for empty promises of career assistance, we nonetheless feel it's our duty to occasionally serve as middleman between parties seeking this classic, mutually beneficial show business arrangement. Lounging in a VIP booth in Craiglist's virtual Hollywood nightclub is this anonymous starmaker, who's looking to send a drink over to the table of any struggling actress willing to blow him in a bathroom stall if he passes her headshot on to his favorite agency:
"Hennessy SIGHTING! Below is a great sighting from the Imagen Awards this past weekend. Let me know if you need any additional details!
PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. (You have only yourselves to blame if they seem a little light or less than chockful of A-listers sometimes.) Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and share your amateur analysis of Tori Spelling's psychological state based on some observation while shopping.
We had sensibly assumed the respiratory infection that struck down Christina Aguilera — forcing her to cancel her Australian concert dates — came from screeching those high notes prior to a parade of all-night, stress-relieving tour-bus orgies. But apparently we've been short-sighted, forgetting God's distaste for Louboutins, blondes, and wanton displays of sexuality the likes of which would make Satan pump his claws in triumph. Says the Baptists For Brownback blog:
