—Mary-Kate and Ashley's lawyers are threatening to sue over a "I Fucked the Olsen Twins Before They Were Famous" t-shirt. We remember the more innocent days, when the DualStar attorneys sent a cease-and-desist to the Save Mary-Kate kids for a much milder t-shirt. Good times.
—Minor Sex and the City star John Corbett quits acting...after he's done promoting two more movies. Was he that Mr. Big guy? No? Never mind.
—Rebecca Romijn-Stamos buys cheap clothes in Canoga Park. Maybe she's just bargain-happy, but in most Hollywood circles this is a suicide warning sign. Someone better keep an eye on her.
—LAist's Paul Davidson goes deep inside the festering bigotry of the L.A. area code class system.
—These are going to make very cool t-shirts.

Sure, you have Defamer in your bookmarks, your RSS feeds, and leave printed-out copies laying around the bathrooms of the Paramount lot for "emergency reading." Now the folks at Yahoo have made it easy to add Defamer to your My Yahoo page just by clicking this link. They even made us this "cool blog" button and we didn't even have to blow anyone! Self-promotion in Hollywood has never been so fellatio-free!

1. Spend an evening with Fox TV casting execs at the Sportsmen's Lodge in Studio City. We can't guarantee that attendance will guarantee that you'll be discovered or inserted into your very own reality show, but at least you can meet the people whose assistants shred your unsolicited headshots.
2. Remember when a Police-era Sting and Eurythmic Annie Lennox used to flaunt an almost threatening sexuality in their music? Well, they're older now, so you won't have to worry about that scary sex stuff, unless you're part of the circa-1987 VH-1 generation. See them at the Hollywood Bowl tonight and demand that Sting lay off the ululating and play his classics instead.
3. If you like your rock hotter, younger, and a lot more Swedish, pass up the Bowl and catch the Sahara Hotnights at the Roxy.

A group called Clothes Off Our Back is conducting a charitable auction for the tuxedo that sainted, deceased Three's Company/8 Simple Rules star John Ritter wore to the People's Choice Awards shortly before his untimely death. For a current price of $550.00, you can own a morbid piece of recent Hollywood history while helping a worthy cause. Bid away, you conflicted, charity-minded ghouls!

Not that we normally offer the ironclad fact-checking certitude of say, CBS News, but occasionally we take extra delight in passing along a rumor that we can't confirm. We've heard that there is a contestant mutiny afoot on daytime reality self-improvement show Starting Over.

We usually reserve the heading "The Agent Dance" to log the moves of agents to and fro, hither and yon, as they take their ten-percent-skimming skills to the highest bidder. But fighting oftentimes looks something like a dance, and we wanted to wonder belatedly why chatter about a supposed scrap between Endeavor's John (P.T. Anderson/Martin Scorcese/David O. Russell) Lesher* and Greg Siegel during the recent Toronto Film Festival hasn't been louder? Especially when a source describes the fight as "girly" and "somewhat homoerotic"? Look, official Agent Dance mascot Ari Emanuel is smiling, pleased that his compatriots are hungry enough to roll up their sleeves and rumble (albeit in less-than-butch fashion) once in a while.

Open All Night attended last night's premiere of The Ten Commandments musical, which was summarily panned (albeit from a preview) in this space yesterday by an operative/critic. The good news? It seems that Val Kilmer's legendary on-set prickish behavior translates seamlessly to the stage:

The always-reliable WENN quotes twitchy, neurotic go-to-guy Ben Stiller discussing a character flaw: "Normally, people tend to shut off their ambitions and competitive thinking because it doesn't help them much in normal life. But in the movie business you've constantly got to prove yourself. So I can be a real asshole on the set sometimes." Oh, nicely played, Mr. Stiller, cleverly thwarting all future criticism by preemptively branding yourself an asshole, but only because the business is so very stressful and you're an artist with a thirst for personal excellence. We hope you have this quote taped to your dressing room door, just to ensure that a P.A. you might've been short with will rethink "freshening up" your Starbucks order in the bathroom.

Defamer is committed to bringing together established entertainment industry professionals and go-getters trying to get a foot in the door. Today, we lend a helping hand to a generous "film producer" who's trolling Craigslist for an elusive "mutually beneficial" relationship with an up-an-coming mactress trying to get her headshots into the right hands:

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent by you, the pointing-and-laughing reader. Send yours to tips@defamer.com.

· Since the term "celebutante skank" has no analog outside of America, Paris Hilton is getting left behind. The Simple Life will be reborn in Belgian and French Canadian versions, featuring new, region-specific non-heiresses getting into wacky situations. [THR]
· Steve Zahn joins Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz in cast of Fox's comic western Bandidas. Finally, a follow-up to Three Amigos! But with hot chicks with impenetrable accents! [THR]
· Greedy Emmy-hoarder Mike Nichols and Julia Roberts are in talks to develop romantic comedy Seven Year Switch, about a woman who gets to see what she might have done different in her life upon reaching the seven-year mark in her relationship. Insert joke about the odds that a Julia Roberts marriage will last seven years. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Fox orders a pilot presentation of The Barenaked Ladies Variety Show, a comedy/revue starring the annoying Canadian pop stars. Doesn't Fox know that we're supposed to dump our shit over the northern borders and not take any back? That's what a trade imbalance is all about. [THR]
· With each having an Oscar-baiting movie being released later this year, Annette Bening and Lenonardo DiCaprio will pretend to care that they're being honored at the upcoming Hollywood Film Festival. [THR]

A reader reports from the USC School of Cinema-Television 75th anniversary gala, where not even Will Ferrell's trademark ass-baring antics could keep Very Important Director Steven Spielberg from hitting the CrackBerry in the middle of the ceremony. Also—and we're shocked—the event was incredibly boring:

With breakout star Adam "Seth Cohen" Brody making sure he's spotted in public every time he steps out of the house, and with on-screen love-interest Mischa Barton sneering at people who can't force an army of flunkies to make sure her pretty foot will never touch a gas pedal, The O.C. afterthought Ben McKenzie's publicists certainly has their work cut out for them. But they earn their fee today, landing this item in Page Six:

—"The source insisted that Leno’s stepping down had nothing to do with his recent interview with L.A. Weekly revealing his left-of-center politics." Whew, for a minute there we thought Nikki Finke brought down the Leno regime. At least Conan's getting promoted, no matter how he got there.
—As if Kevin Federline's unearned celebrity weren't troubling enough, there's now an army of Federlings running around. [via Witz.org]
—The latest victim of actress nipple-slippage: Gwyneth Paltrow. You're really going to have to squint for this one.
—Lindsay Lohan's dad gets chucked out of Scores, quickly ascends our list of People We Want To Drink With, But Are A Little Afraid Of.
—Since she's an American citizen (we think), we probably can't block Madonna's return to our country. But way to go, Egypt!

From Variety's "Inside Move" analysis of the DGA's contract agreement with the movie studios and television networks and its impact on the WGA, the filthiest thing you are likely to read today:

1. We're currently waiting for confirmation on this from The Daily Show, but we keep hearing there's an election coming up. In the meantime, ACT (the people that brought you the hilarious video of Will Ferrell reprising his timeless Dubya impression) is selling art and putting on a show at King King tonight to help get out the vote in swing states.
2. Ignore what we said and form your own opinion about Val Kilmer in The Ten Commandments: The Musical, which officially opens today at the Kodak Theatre. We're sure they've got that burning bush nice and reliably operational by now. Come on, Egyptian disco!
3. Turn out at the Troubadour and help Phantom Planet remember that they've got many other songs besides the theme from The O.C., which will haunt (and, hopefully, enrich) them for the rest of their days.

The Defamer correspondent on biblically-inspired musicals starring actors that have previously portrayed troubled porn stars offers a brief review of Val Kilmer's The Ten Commandments. Maybe we're not the best ones to ask, but Long Dong Silver to Moses seems a perfectly logical progression to us.

Genital-mining sister site Fleshbot tips us to a story in News of the World alleging the existence of yet another Paris Hilton sex tape. Since sequels must be both bigger and less imaginative, the possible video runs 12 hours and supposedly stars ex-boyfriends Nick Carter and Jason Shaw repeatedly putting their penises into her vagina while she mugs for the camera. No word on whether Paris interrupts the theoretical hot action by pausing to hunt for her misplaced chihuahua, sign copies of her autobiography, or take calls from a delighted publicist, who is probably behind this story in the first place.

According to Rush & Molloy, The O.C.'s Mischa Barton explains to Jane magazine how she distinguishes herself from the "quintessential Hollywood person" who must engage in such degrading activities as "driving":

When Jeremy Sisto took on a role as a gay baseball player that spends a good part of the second act with his Louisville Slugger hanging out, he had to know that fans would discuss the lumber on display. A well-equipped audience member at Take Me Out doesn't know what all the fuss is about, reporting that Sisto has clearly avoided the scalpel: