It's extremely rare for news out of NBC headquarters to make us happy, but it's happened: Conan O'Brien is taking over The Tonight Show from Jay Leno in 2009. We thought we'd never say this, as it seemed depressingly certain that Leno would give up the desk only at the moment his bones turned to dust and he was vacuumed off his chair, but we're actually going to watch The Tonight Show tonight to hear the announcement. It's a brilliant one-time ratings ploy, just like the time Daffy Duck put on a devil costume and drank a gas-can full of nitroglycerin to upstage Bugs Bunny.

· West Wing second-stringer John Wells dutifully conforms to the rule that all non-reality television shows must be police procedurals and is close to a deal to produce drama The Evidence for ABC. The Evidence will be exactly like CSI or L&O, except for the fact that people responsible for the show claim that it's a "different approach." Refreshing. [THR]
· Legendary Full House and Raising Dad widowed TV dad Bob Saget will take his career in a completely new direction, returning to ABC to star in a pilot as a divorced dad who takes custody of his children. Should the pilot go to series, expect his ex-wife to be killed off in the first three episodes. You don't fuck with that kind of success. [THR]
· Film and oil mogul Marvin Davis died this Saturday at the age of 79. Davis bought 20th Century Fox in 1981, then sold it to Rupert Murdoch in 1984, touching off a reign of evil that culminated in Fox News' coverage of this year's RNC. [THR]
· Ben Affleck and forgotten Friend David Schwimmer will star in an improvised poker comedy directed writer/director Zak Penn. We'd point out that this is yet more evidence that poker is hott, but the film is backed by a company that promotes the risk-free wonders of casino gambling. Wasn't it obvious Schwimmer would wind up in infomercials? [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas 16, The Vaguely European Job: Paramount looking to produce Italian Job sequel—which, naturally, will be set in "St. Tropez, Paris and the French Alps." [Variety, sub, req'd.]

Whereas once there was a "pretense of civility" in relations between heads of television networks, intense competition for ratings has plunged those once (openly) cordial dealings into gory, Nielsen-fueled cockfights. Yes, that's meant as an analogy, but it would be no less valid to picture Viacom/CBS' destroyer of worlds Les Moonves and NBC's Napoleonic minimogul Jeff Zucker swinging their penises at each other, splattered in the blood of innocents. Says Variety:

Remember all of that existential angst we suffered over the box office results? Forget all that, because what could possibly be more soothing to a damaged soul than a picture of Britney Spears wearing an alien mask and hurling a milkshake at paparazzi? Anyone clinging to the hope that Spears' marriage was going to snap her back into normalcy has been officially disabused of that notion. If anything, next week she'll turn up in a gorilla mask, flinging her feces at a reporter for Entertainment Tonight.

Allow the weekend's box office results to cascade over your chin like the work-week's first cup of coffee.

—We're going to be as restrained as possible here: Win a dream lunch date with Fabio!
—Enjoy this slideshow detailing Britney Spears' quick descent into utter tackiness. [via popdirt]
—Mike Seaver is a born again Christian and TV-sister Carol is getting slapped with felonies for drunk driving? You really never know with former child actors.
—Defamer mini-PSA: If "D. Schwimmer" appears on your caller ID and he's ever dated someone you know, let the voicemail pick up. Trust us. [second item]
—Cinemocracy reviews possible Cusack canoodler/First Daughter hopeful Alexandra Kerry's short film.
—You should've seen the original NYT Magazine cover featuring Wonkette, Anderson Cooper, Tim Russert, and fifteen pounds of carrot cake. Hott. But it's the Gray Lady, so they settled on something a little tamer. Still, you can't see her hands.

Friday
1. Token Surreal Life-related activity: Jordan Knight flies solo at the Roxy in a show that will test either the limits of your NKOTB fandom or your ironic appreciation of shameful enthusiasms of your youth. Hang tough, people.
2. Shed your preconceived notions that all Italians are gangster CGI sharks as prominent paesans Adam Carolla, Tommy Lasorda, and Jimmy Kimmel (who knew?) host the third annual Precious Cheese Feast of San Gennaro at the Grove. Remember, meat and cheese are Atkins-friendly.
Saturday
3. Happy Yom Kippur. We suppose that many of you will be busy with the atoning.
4. It wouldn’t be a proper To Do without some art thing for the cool kids: Cannibal Flower at Hangar 1018.
5. Another day, another film festival: The Silverlake Film Festival begins. Hey, that’s how it goes in this town; if you don't like it, maybe we can show you a nice ranch house in Utah? Shit, they have a film festival, too.
Sunday
6. AIR, Stereolab, and Sondre Lerche play the Hollywood Bowl. BYO hallucinogens. Ah, we're just kidding. The music's fine even if you're sober. Not that we would recommend that at the Bowl.

Last night, LA.comfidential conducted an impromptu investigation into the timeless "Jeremy Sisto: cut or uncut?" debate (they think "Lil Sisto" is still wearing a turtleneck) during his full-frontal performance in the play Take Me Out, but missed an important ecclesiastical implication. Long before Jim Caviezel took up the cross for two hours of Mel Gibson-administered beatings, Sisto played Jesus in the matter-of-factly titled TV movie Jesus. The Gospels clearly tell us that Jesus was circumcised in accordance with tradition. Shame on us for foolishly assuming that Sisto was a Method actor; we hope that his limited dedication to craft doesn't ultimately hurt his career.

Yossi Klein Halevi, the Kabbalah debunker who went deep inside the Centre for The New Republic a few months ago, takes a few of the LAT's column inches to remind real Jews that Madonna's recent trip to Israel doesn't make her and her culty, magic-water swilling, Judaism-diluting buddies any less dangerous:

We realize that these "technical difficulties" announcements don't really help anyone as they can't be posted until after the problems have been resolved, but we feel compelled to share the information that our servers were temporarily down and that the appropriate parties have been beaten with wooden spoons from the Martha Stewart line of aspirational-lifestyle cookware. This appeals to our sense of justice, and, hopefully, to yours as well. Regular posting will resume shortly, right after we slap an intern for no good reason at all.

Can we just take a nap until Oscar season? It might be a good weekend to check out a nice movie shot on shaky digital video or with subtitles.

The Smoking Gun has the "unsanitized," 57-page version of Kobe Bryant's interview with police on the night after he was accused of rape. If you've ever wanted to know what one might expect should one ever find oneself entertaining Bryant during a lonely night on a road trip, well, you've got a lot of reading to do. Here's our tip, should he mention he's getting ready to do "his thing": Put on goggles. No wonder he ran the shot-blocking Shaq out of town—Bryant wanted everyone to know when it comes to facials, he's the man.

· The DGA agrees on a new three year deal with the networks and studios, getting better health care, but losing out on issues of DVD residuals and reality TV jurisdiction. The WGA's strategy of sitting around and seeing what the directors could get has officially come back to bite them on their collective-bargaining asses. [Variety, sub. req'd]
· SAG shows the status-quo-loving WGA how it's done, using their elections to enact a change in leadership. [THR]
· The MGM and Sony deal is finally done, freeing us up to never think about it again. Well, at least until the layoffs start. [THR]

The LAT discovers online writer bitch-board WriterAction, where WGA members can evaluate (or anonymously vent about) the studio executives who make their lives miserable with free rewrites, constant firings, and the kinds of helpful story suggestions that usually result in talking-animal movies.

Anonymous confession site grouphug.us has this note from a supposed Hollywood call girl describing an alleged encounter with an unnamed celebrity and his most unusual fetish.

In what can only be seen as a serious blow to closeted gays throughout the entertainment industry, recently Emmy-winning Sex and the City star Cynthia Nixon outed herself in the pages of today's NY Daily News. Yes, yes, our minds are blown, etc etc. The public really stood no chance of figuring this out before the official (exclusive!) announcement, as the wily lesbian employed every trick in the book to keep anyone from divining her sexuality—being photographed with voracious female-lover Tom Cruise and, as the NYDN reported, "by going alone, or with her mother, to media-magnet events." Indeed, there's nothing that scrambles the gaydar like bringing one's mom to an awards show.

We think we finally understand why everyone was screaming that Britney Spears isn't legally married: There's a problem with the marriage license. As you can see above (click the image to see the full version), Kevin Federline fudged his part of the license, listing "dancer" as his occupation. Everyone knows he's a background dancer when he's actually working. These little white lies may seem harmless, but eventually they can come back to bite you. At least he didn't get cheeky and put "professional bastard maker" in that spot, or this paperwork snafu potentially could have dragged on for years.

—Vividblurry does the math on the devolution of Lil Kim. It all adds up!
—The Billionaire Bitchslappers Club continues its petty rampage across America's talk shows and gossip rags.
—Harrison Ford shows his affection by tossing Calista Flockhart into a trashcan. But can anyone prove conclusively he wasn't merely disposing of an old skeleton he had lying around?
—Britney Double Shot: More on the wedding's legal status and a look at her lost memo. Someone call Dan Rather, this looks like it's in his wheelhouse.
—Paris Hilton's logo is eerily similar to someone else's.
—Tantric self-loving sister site Fleshbot stumbles upon a pre-enhancement nipple slip from Defamer's favorite human distillery.

1. Former Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic will sign his book for Of Grunge And Government, Let's Fix This Broken Democracy! tonight at the Virgin Megastore. We're secretly hoping that Courtney Love is going to show up in an attempt to sabotage it, but she's probably in jail or rehab or something. Also, Mark Andersen will sign his book All the Power - Revolution Without Illusion, but Love would probably just ignore him.
2. If there's one thing we learned by watching ten seconds of Sex and the City that one time, it's that you ladies love to shop and drink. According to Defamer's intrepid Intern Y, there's a "Stylish Girls Night Out" sample sale on Camrose Ave. serving free martinis. Have at it. (Here's a link, but you have to register to get more details. We wash our hands of the whole thing.)
3. Defamer restraining order holder Sarah Silverman is performing her one-woman show, Jesus is Magic, at El Portal. Yes, it's in NoHo, but we've already seen the show and it's worth the ticket price just to hear her sing through her ass and her vagina. Don't ask.

We at Defamer are sad to report that we've confirmed that the rumored Miramax layoffs are now in progress. We've always imagined that Harvey Weinstein personally wanders the halls on his job-slashing sprees, handing out pink-slips and last-chance verbal abuse while dressed as the Grim Reaper. Too morbid? Maybe we'll e-mail him and suggest he spring fifty bucks to rent a bunny costume to take the edge off.