The LAT holds Hollywood's hair as it kneels in front of the toilet, silently sobbing through the dry heaves of its continuing election hangover. In between its fruitless peristaltic contractions, the celebrity "elite" is attempting some soul-searching as CNN plays in the background, mercilessly rehashing the electoral results. What went wrong? Are they really that out of touch with the red states? Did they really hurt more than help? And, naturally, all such hand-wringing examinations must eventually return to one man:

We know it's way too early to start talking about anything as unpleasant as the world of agents, so feel free to send us that dry cleaning bill if you can't keep down your blueberry muffin. But we hear that Michael Gruber, the agent (and now producer-by-default) famously fired by George Clooney and CAA for trying to extract a $250,000 finder's fee from Clooney's purchase of a villa in Lake Como, is headed back into the agenting game at ICM. Hopefully this time Gruber will learn that he can't take a cut of everything and will refrain from licking his chops when one of his clients gets pregnant, silently calculating if the baby's liver or kidneys constitute his ten percent.

—Notorious prankster George Clooney retaliated against a Brad Pitt joke on the set of Ocean's Twelve by putting a bumper sticker reading "Small Penis Onboard" on Pitt's car. Oooh, burn! If he really wanted to hurt him, Clooney could've gone with "Honk if you think taking my shirt off and caressing my abs passes for acting."
—"12:12p. Back to the shoot. I miss Sebastian already. He's lost in a crowd of dancers while I stand on a fake mountaintop waving a flag that has my face on it. Pyrotechnics and fake snow. This video stinks, but thinking of his warm smile gets me through it." A Day In The Love Life Of An A-List Celebrity
—TVGasm presents their "fair and balanced," nearly minute-by-minute coverage of Tuesday night's election coverage. Who had time to blog in between smashing their head into a wall and self-medicating with vodka shots?
—And in case you didn't have enough Ocean's Twelve news in the preceeding five inches of screen, the always-reliable WENN reports that Julia Roberts is blind with rage that Catherine Zeta-Jones received higher billing for the movie, thus indicating that CZJ is a bigger star. What's Roberts got to do to get some respect in this town, get knocked up with quadruplets and give birth on the set?

Perhaps the only news that's become more mundane than rumors of new Paris Hilton sex tapes are stories involving molestation lawsuits against Michael Jackson. Celebrity Justice has court papers with fresh allegations (well, fresh from 1984) of inappropriate uses of a rhinestone glove and an cuddly team of llamas. (Wouldn't it be easier if there were some kind of clearinghouse that issued a weekly report of Jackson lawsuits, or an "all clear" message in accusation-light weeks?) We definitely don't recommend reading the documents, unless you want your dreams haunted by visualizations of phrases like "Jackson swallowing the semen" or "Jackson engaging in anal touching" which are peppered through Item 6 of the complaint. You've been warned.

1, Basketball 101 with the L.A. Lakers is an officially-sanctioned NBA event teaching participants the game's fundamentals, like how to shoot free throws, execute a pick and roll, or use the buddy system when visiting a player's hotel room. Insert your own joke about "court strategies" here. (Tonight at Staples Center.)
2. AFI's aptly-named AFI Fest 2004 film festival opens tonight with Kevin Spacey's Bobby Darin biopic Beyond the Sea at the ArcLight—which we haven't yet seen but assume contains more than just this still image of Spacey suggestively posing with a microphone. But even this one picture's got Oscar nom written all over it!
3. Tonight quickie concert round-up: A little bit country: Kasey Chambers at the El Rey; A little bit rock n' roll: The Fever and VHS/Beta at the Echo; A little bit Ted Leo spinning some tunes among manicures and hairdryers: Ted Leo and the Pharmacists DJ at Beauty Bar.
4. As if you didn't already know from the endless promotion (Gail Berman, please PayPal five thousand dollars to tips@defamer.com), Seth Cohen will finally return to the little box in your living room, at least for tonight. Tomorrow, you can go back to seeing him at your favorite music venue or the guest bathroom in your home.

Operatives on the Fox lot send us today's promotional menu (and a blurry phonecam shot) from the Fox News Cafe plugging the premiere of The O.C. to its hungry employees. Eat up, the menu seems to say, because we've spent the network's entire advertising budget making sure that this show succeeds. Should we open to weak Nielsens, dear Employee, your next meal might have more of a "dumpster-diving ten blocks east on Pico" theme. Our favorite item might be "Marissa & Ryan's Blackened Tofu," because everyone knows the meat-eating tough guy from Chino has a softer side. The full menu, should you wish to participate in the promotion at your desk, is after the jump.

In hopes that we can stop the responses you're firing into our inbox like ads for penis-enlargement pills (btw, they don't work. we're still hung like a gerbil emerging from the December surf), let us wrap up this latest installment of the Blind Item Guessing Game. But first, remind yourself of the linguistic nuances of One Blackmailed Blind Vice:

Right on cue, here's the press release announcing the MPAA's legal offensive on people who would dare to view Maid in Manhattan without ponying up the Blockbuster rental fee. We'll spare you the pain of slogging through the entire document by noting that when such a statement begins with the title Studios to Begin Suing Illegal Film File Swappers: Governor, Legislators, Studio Executives, Union Leaders, Filmmakers and Others Back Movie Industry in Actions Against Traffickers, you're not going to anticipate a page-turner. However, we're grateful Dan Glickman cut off the list of supposed supporters for the litigation with "and Others," rather than running the full litany, which continued with "Our Newly-Elected President, the Troops in Iraq, Fans of Freedom, Mothers of Children Suffering from Pediatric AIDS, the ghost of Frank Sinatra, Anyone with a Conscience, the Cute Little Puppies That Asphyxiate Every Time You Initiate a Download, a Nondenominational Vision of God, and Anyone Who Doesn't Wish to Spend Eternity Licked by Hellflame." See, the new MPAA is really learning restraint!

As the NY Daily News' Lloyd Grove clumsily leaked this morning (in that lovable, misspelling-riddled, afterthought-ish way of his), Esquire magazine is revealing the secret of my incredibly mundane identity in its upcoming issue, after months of relatively pointless anonymity. And:

· An NBC reality show/televised deathmatch will pit comedians against one another for a spot on SNL, with Lorne Michaels as the Trumpian arbiter. We're sure that the always-friendly, sharing SNL players will welcome their new, no-dues-paying colleague with open arms. [THR]
· ABC pairs up with Elton John for a single-camera, aging rock star sitcom. It looks like Sir Elton's legendary shopping habits have finally drained his bank account down to the very bottom. And hasn't anyone told ABC that divorcees are the new sitcom gays? Someone call Bette Midler, this one sounds like it could be a disaster all around. OK, we're done now with our disjointed, disbelieving critiques. [Variety, , sub. req'd.]
· The Sopranos' Jamie Lynn Discala prepares for her post-Meadow career by signing up with UPN for a series based on the website Vivianlives.com. With another Sopranos season left, it might be a little early to panic by trolling the internet for job possibilities. [THR]
· NBC and Fox News won the election night ratings wars (broadcast and cable, respectively, obvs), probably because they both called Ohio early and let half the country go to bed before 3 a.m. [THR]

Wherein we invite our readers to untie the merit badge-worthy prose-knots proffered by humpy E! gossip Scout Troop Leader Ted Casablanca and guess the identity of his weekly blind item. This time, there's no mention of overdoses or publicist-unfriendly man-on-man action from a straight star, but Ted does drop the orgy bomb. Marinate in One Blackmailed Blind Vice:

In the interest of helping the Hollywood community to heal in the wake of Tuesday's crushing disappointment, eighth president and posthumous blogger Martin Van Buren offers some tips for breaking the news to your favorite celebrity Democratic booster:

The MPAA, the rabid lobbyists who ensure that Shall We Dance? can never be viewed without proper respect to copyrights, are finally ready to start suing broadband-enabled movie pirates back into the days of the Commodore 64. New MPAA Head Pirate Hunter in Charge Dan Glickman will announce the opening volley of lawsuits later today. Quick, everyone uninstall BitTorrent and throw your computers into the nearest body of water to avoid their wrath! At least Glickman seems to be paying lip-service to a somewhat less bloodthirsty approach than his predecessor, Jack Valenti.

Page Six says that David Geffen's Gay Mafia Xanadu was where the local Election Night action was hosted. We'd like to think that the PA sent with our invitation met some horrible fate rather than deal with the possibility that we were once again snubbed. We would've crashed, but the events of the night sapped our will to attempt to defeat the Gay Secret Handshake, the Gay Retinal Scan, and the Fifteen Arcane Questions About Cher required to enter. (Nominally "straight" celebrities—if you actually accept the possibility of their existence—are given the answers in advance.)

In an attempt to take our city's mind off of um, current events, Disney has released preview shots from Herbie: Fully Loaded. At least there's one thing we can all agree on: If you're going to drink and drive, you should wear a flame-retardant suit and a helmet. The next four years in Lohan truly are going to be something to behold.

We're still confident that Ben Affleck is going to take the fall for the Democrats' election failures, but in the interest of fairness we're willing to present options for spreading the blame around. A reader wonders what might have happened in the decisive swing state if a certain actor had used his personal transportation options a little more generously:

· Kim Delaney is brought on to The O.C. for a five episode arc as an eyebrow-fetishist ex-flame of Peter Gallagher's Sandy Cohen character. [THR]
· The Agent Dance Mini: Bart Walker, head of ICM NY's Film division, is going to CAA and taking every indie director with any credibility with him. And, naturally, some that will sell out when the opportunity arises. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Writer Thomas Harris and producer Dino De Laurentiis decide to once again cannibalize the Hannibal Lecter story, picking director Peter Webber to direct Lecter pre-prequel Behind the Mask. Even Brett Ratner couldn't kill this franchise, hard as he tried. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Real life couple Rob Estes and Josie Bisset are cast in ABC Family movie Blended. The two will play single parents who get married in Las Vegas, merging their eight children. It's like Eight Is Enough or The Brady Bunch, only with washed up Melrose Place actors! [THR]
· Sherry Lansing's ditching Paramount, but not before getting sued by a disgruntled producer. [THR]
· Cuba Gooding Jr., Burt Reynolds, Angie Harmon and James Woods are set to star in End Game, an indie thriller about a presidential assassination. Wow, how did they get this together so quickly? Bush hasn't even made his acceptance speech yet... [THR]

Now that Sherry Lansing has done the trendy thing and announced her delayed resignation from Paramount, Viacom co-president Tom Freston finally has a chance to put his stamp on the underperforming studio and draw some blood in his intramural deathmatch with Les Moonves. But before Lansing's announcement, Freston was smacked down for criticizing Paramount:

When Britney Spears told her fans that she was "going to take some time off to enjoy life" in her much-ballyhooed, but incredibly disappointing Letter of Truth, we thought that sounded like code for "I want to take some time to let my unemployed background-dancing soulmate's demon seed grow inside my uterus."

Well, that whole election thing really didn't turn out the way that Hollywood hoped, did it? Even after the town's left-leaning ambassadors (like dreamy-eyed voting machine Jake Gyllenhaal, cranky Larry David, and—do we even dare mention it?—Ashton Kutcher) invaded swing states to turn momentum towards the Democrats, the CNN scroll tells us that still-Senator Kerry has conceded. The inevitable blame game within the celebrity election contingent will quickly commence and reach this inevitable conclusion: It's Affleck's fault. He coulda been more visible, shoulda tried to lay both Kerry daughters, woulda had more of an impact if he'd thrown up those babies to make room in his gullet for a few more. Every failure has a scapegoat, and this one is canoodling somewhere with Jennifer Garner, wondering what might have been.