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Page Six says that David Geffen's Gay Mafia Xanadu was where the local Election Night action was hosted. We'd like to think that the PA sent with our invitation met some horrible fate rather than deal with the possibility that we were once again snubbed. We would've crashed, but the events of the night sapped our will to attempt to defeat the Gay Secret Handshake, the Gay Retinal Scan, and the Fifteen Arcane Questions About Cher required to enter. (Nominally "straight" celebrities—if you actually accept the possibility of their existence—are given the answers in advance.)

In L.A., the place to be was David Geffen's mansion, where Nicole Kidman, Tom Hanks, Ellen DeGeneres, Will Ferrell, Steve Martin and Warren Beatty and Annette Bening came to party, and ended up consoling each other. Sources said Geffen had laid up cases and cases of vintage champagne, and not one bottle was uncorked.

The good news: Five truckloads of Chinese babies, kept nice and tender in temperature-controlled veal pens in anticipation of an ancient Hollywood victory ritual, went undevoured. The local adoption market will soon be flooded with adorable infants looking for your love!