Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are determined to prove that this publicity stunt of theirs is not all transparently staged, uncomfortable tonsil-hockey sessions on the world's red carpets. There are career moves to consider! Their publicists are working overtime to make sure the gossip sheets stay well-stocked with reports about their relationship and upcoming projects:
The NYT gets around to offering their ten percent about William Morris' retaliation against Page Six: hurtful rumors, Scary Hollywood Lawyer Bert Fields, strongly-worded letters, the New Yorker profile of "unorthodox" WMA president Dave Wirtschafter, Sarah Michelle Gellar, etc etc. But the Times' Sharon Waxman does manage to extract some off the record denials from the suspected "amoral snakes" at rival agencies who may have been responsible for leaking some of the WMA items, then this wonderful money shot:
· Scarlett Johansson says she's not Woody Allen's new muse. Perhaps she's afraid that Allen will steal away their adopted daughter and enter into a taboo sexual relationship with her. Hey, there are crazier things to be afraid of.
· Renny Harlin, by the numbers. And the numbers ain't pretty.
· Brad Pitt totally says stuff about women whom have had his penis inside them.
· Crash, Crash, Kicking and Screaming, and Kicking & Screaming: it only seems like there are only two movie titles left.
· 826LA presents Anna Deavere Smith in conversation with Arianna Huffington. Go ahead, we dare you—show up ($25 at the door, but RSVP first) and try not to mention the Huffington Post.
· Walking! Art! Downtown! It doesn't take a genius to put together those clues (we had help) and figure out it's once again time for the Downtown Art Walk.
· Music for those who aren't staying in to see who's on tonight's OC soundtrack: The Eels at the Roxy; the Naked Trucker at Largo.
Earlier, we speculated about Michael Jackson's defense team's new two-pronged, "madness or monkey-molester" acquittal strategy. Have their canny tactics forced the prosecution to step up their game by running banner ads on E!'s website designed to entrap Jackson with an irresistible, eight-hour "pajama party" with two of his former child actor playmates? The legal chess match continues.
Your guesses are in. Once again, we must admire your enthusiasm for offering opinions in matters of same-sex celebrity liaisons. Reheat One Predictable Blind Vice:
The Michael Jackson defense team's strategy is finally coming into focus. They're either going to make sure the jury believes that he is completely, scrawling-the-lyrics-to-"Wanna Be Startin' Something" on-the-walls-of-Neverland Ranch-with-his-own-feces insane, or, failing that (it's looking good, though), establishing that any of the higher primates around the house were capable of molesting prepubescent boys. Hey, if they can grip a feather duster and flush a toilet...
While this obvious attempt at a tit pun is a welcome break from the non-stop phallofreudian nightmare usually represented by Drudge's front page, it's half-hearted at best (not to mention that it doesn't even work if you pronounce "Cannes" correctly). We expect a reflexive return to the sites's sneakily bulge-obsessed status quo immediately. Unless, of course, he's invited to join the writing staff of Stacked first.
These were the "search movers" on MSN.com (scroll down to the bottom of the page*) about fifteen minutes ago. Since the internet is always a little bit ahead of the news curve, we expect a shocking announcement about Osama bin Laden's knocking-up by Ben Affleck (God, that guy is potent!) or his totally unconvincing relationship with Tom Cruise (God, that guy will do anything for publicity!).
Wherein we invite our readers to put on their comically oversized rubber pants and wade into humpy E! gossip columnist Ted Casablanca's creek and use their bare hands to grab hold of the the blind item fish he's stocked there. This week, a cheating husband is unknowingly being cuckolded by his secretly Sapphic spouse. (Oh, the joys of alliteration!) Feel the burn of One Predictable Blind Vice:
Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let The Rock know that you think his hair came from a can.
· This apparently merits a red font and a Breaking News tag: DreamWorks unveils plans for the animated caveman flick Crood Awakening at Cannes, written by John Cleese. [Variety]
· Disney reports a 30-percent increase in its second quarter profits, temporarily making the uninspired choice of Robert Iger as its next CEO not look like a mistake. [THR]
· Paramount will foot the bill for Freedom Writers, which we will dismissively describe as Dangerous Minds with Hilary Swank, even if it only bears a passing resemblance to the earlier film. We're jerks that way. [Variety]
· ABC, CBS, and Fox seesaw back in forth in last night's war for viewers, but Fox ultimately wins the night on the power of the simmer sexual tension between Paula Abdul and Bo Bice. [THR]
· Meet the Parents of the Focker director Jay Roach picks up his Everyman shingle and moves it from Fox to Universal, who will get first crack at his dog-flushing comedic endeavors for the near future. [Variety]
The AP reports that Lindsay Lohan is going to host SNL's season finale, her second turn fronting the show. Something tells us that this time around there aren't going to be so many self-conscious jokes about her sudden "blossoming." And we really doubt that she's going to reprise her famous Harry Potter sketch with a follow-up about how Hermione lost her baby fat after a summer "relaxing" at Cedars Sinai.
As recently as Monday, the LAT wanted you to pay to read first-person accounts of how the famous spend their weekends. But now that we've entered the brave, new world of free content on the LAT website, we can all gather 'round the internet campfire and listen to American Idol judge Randy Jackson spin a yarn about his "Favorite Weekend" without breaking out the credit card. Despite his gastric bypass surgery, Jackson's love affair with food is as passionate as ever (though now ecstasy must be delivered in carefully measured tablespoons, lest he succumb to unattractive vomiting fits), his weekends seeming like little more than the stuff that happens between meals:
· Music on top today: Spoon does what will certainly be an insanely crowded in-store show at Amoeba, while Spoon sound-alikes (but still very good) Robbers on High Street play across town at the Troubadour.
· The Egyptian Theatre screens Saving Face tonight, "the story of unspoken loves, contemporary and cultural taboos and the journey of two women towards living their lives honestly." You know what that means...hot lesbian action! Jesus, what are we, 14?
· You've worn the flannel, you've lipsynced to "Jeremy" more times than you care to admit, and you long ago wore out your Temple of the Dog CD. Now see Malfunkshun, the documentary about Andrew Wood, deceased Mother Love Bone member and the man partly responsible for the grunge takeover of the 90s.
