Variety reports that agent Michelle Bohan has finally, officially moved from William Morris to Endeavor, ending a process that "unofficially" began over a month ago. (It takes a long time to construct a false, pregnant stomach big enough to sneak out clients like Salam Hayek, Kevin Bacon, Willem Dafoe, Alfred Molina, and Ashley Judd—hey, the security guards at WMA aren't paid to knock on ladies' bellies to make sure they're real, OK?) And just to prove that she's been made an honest woman, Bohan's a partner at her new shop.

Now that Tom Cruise has done "enough promotion already" and apparently has been muzzled by his War of the Worlds partners, L. Ron's brigade is forced to send forth a new, C-list emissary into the world to spread the message. If they can't have Tom Terrific doing a half-hour on Access Hollywood, well, they're going to have to settle for John Travolta's wife (Kelly Preston, whose "spousal duties" seem to leave a lot of time for pamphleteering) doing 1800 clumsy words on the HuffPost:

· From whitestripes.com, Jack White's "wedding announcement": "Karen Elson and Jack White were married yesterday on the confluence of three rivers — the Rio Negro, the Solimones and the Amazon — in the Amazon basin in the city of Manaus, Brazil. They were married by a traditional shaman priest on a canoe at the exact point where the three rivers meet...This was the first marriage for both newlyweds." Oh, yes, this seems like it's all on the up-and-up. (New album drops Tuesday!)
· “What I felt from ‘Cinderella Man’ is realizing that getting punched in the head is stupid.” However, Crowe still considers nipple-biting during a nice punch-up "kind of great."
· Denise Richards gives birth to her second daughter with soon-to-be-ex Charlie Sheen present in the delivery room. Sheen's twenty-member hooker team was made to wait in the hospital lobby during the childbirth.
· Cameron Diaz sics her lawyers on the Enquirer. for insinuating that she knows what her Trippin' producer's tongue tastes like.

· Radiohead, Sigur Ros, and ballet? Shell out for "Split Sides" at the Ahmanson Theater and discover just how much artistic pretension can be stuffed into a leotard.
· The ArcLight screens Rock School, the documentary on the real-life School of Rock. If you want Jack Black in Angus Young-style schoolboy pants, you're going to have to Netflix the fictional version.
· Music round-up: The Caesars escape the blessing/curse of their iPod ads at the Troubadour; The Pixies at the Wiltern; Out Hud at Spaceland.

Dave Chappelle quietly returned to town, then not-so-quietly dropped in at the Hollywood Improv last night for a surprise appearance at the CollegeHumor.com show:

Your guesses are in! Do another lap around One Poor-Me Blind Vice before moving on:

Look, this is going to get a little disgusting, so if you've had a history of heart problems, you should probably scroll down to the next item.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com (putting "privacywatch" or "sighting" in the subject line helps immensely) and let the world know that Vin Diesel's car seems kinda gay.

Last night, Hillary Clinton thrust her hands into Young Hollywood's pockets (warning: exactly as sexy as it sounds) at a fundraiser at Roland "My Next Movie Will Have A Tidal Wave So Big It Makes Mudslides On The Moon" Emmerich's place. One set of those pockets belonged to a Defamer operative, who powered through the party's multitiered security measures and relative lack of starpower to submit this brief report:

We were game to give up three to five minutes of our busy day (we gotta do something while the spoon is heating up) to read the heartwarming tale of comedian George Lopez's failed kidney and the wife who selflessly sacrificed one of her own so that The George Lopez Show could go on entertaining no one we've ever met. But then:

Hey, America! Your Onetime Reality TV Sweetheart, Trista the Bachelorette, has traded in her rose for a pair of dancing shoes. And she needs YOUR help to game the voting system and to make sure she keeps getting quality hits from the fame crackpipe. She's helpfully circulating an e-mail telling people how they can lend a hand:

Now that director Matthew "Is my career over before it really began?" Vaughn has vacated the X3 director's chair, AICN's "Drew McWeeney" Moriarity reports that Fox might be dropping a distressingly hacky bomb in the very near future:

· In an attempt to level the playing field with TNT and USA, AMC coughs up $80 million in licensing fees for 22 Warner Bros. movies (including Batman Begins, Million Dollar Baby, and The Last Samurai). Warner Bros. also receives "prima nocte" privileges with the brides of selected AMC execs, who described the unusual provision as "totally worth it for the rights to air Terminator 3 on cable." [Variety]
· Les Moonves assures CBS affiliates that a much-discussed Viacom split will be beneficial to the network. When his assurances were initially met with a skeptical silence, Moonves then added, "And no matter what happens on the corporate level, Jeff Zucker will continue to be my bitch." The crowd then exploded into a joyful hymn as Moonves stoked their passions with ten minutes of pantomimed Zucker-buggery. [THR]
· The Agent Dance, "We Can't Make Ourselves Care" Edition: Former William Morris network TV head Greg Lipstone shuffles over to ICM as a senior VP. [Variety]
· CBS picks up the Julia Louis-Dreyfus project Old Christine for midseason, when the dreaded Curse of Seinfeld will kick in, causing near-immediate cancellation despite everyone's professed love for Dreyfus' talent. [Variety]

Wherein we invite our readers to plunge their eager hands into the wet, blind item clay provided by humpy E! gossip community college ceramics instructor Ted Casablanca and fashion a crude vase revealing the item's secret celebrity identity. Feel the burn of One Poor-Me Blind Vice:

Predictably, Dave Chappelle's mysterious disappearance from his Chappelle Show duties for some highly-publicized "chill-out time" in South Africa has led to huge DVD sales for said indefinitely delayed hit show:

It's been nearly two days since Lindsay Lohan's ride was rather rudely de-pimped by a crash-happy paparazzo; the incident's all over but the jail time and the lawyers' public positioning for the inevitable lawsuit:

How much damage has Tom Cruise's recent publicity rampage (the infamous Oprah "love" conniption, the Access Hollywood special, et al) done to his career and/or the ostensible reason that he undertook said publicity rampage, War of the Worlds? Enough damage that the NY Times is now speculating about the repercussions. It seems that even DreamWorks and Paramount are trying to hold down the flailing action star and strap on a muzzle before further harm is done to their blockbuster:

· ; Four out of five Scores strippers agree: Christian Slater's a gentleman! "'It's difficult for some men to remain calm when I take off my gown and reveal my 36Ds,' Scores stripper Logan confided to PAGE SIX, 'but Christian always remains cool — he has never attempted to touch me inappropriately.'" Also: Gawker retraces Slater's pre-ass-grabbing steps.
· Paris and Paris might not have a Kabbalah wedding (shocker!), but we're sure they'll still be plenty of trendy assholes who think they're immortal to go around.
· The MPAA does what it can to help the LAPD usher in the Big Brother state. [via Cinemocracy]
· No one could've seen this coming: Judge Issues Warrant for Bobby Brown

A reader submits this cameraphone shot of his Santa Monica dry cleaner's wall, where a headshot for Lisa Kudrow's character from her new HBO show The Comeback hangs. How long before the hallowed, grease-spattered walls of Pink's are dotted with similar stunts, tainting the credibility of Jay Leno's freely-given glossy love? Or until a producer inspects the headshot he's just been handed in exchange for a toothy, unsatisfying blowjob, then realizes that he's been handed a sneaky advertisement for Joey and isn't getting the opportunity to advance some young go-getter's career? Truly, nothing in Hollywood is sacred anymore.

Tonight, two networks (OK, one half-network and one rotting Nielsen carcass) will "make history" and broadcast the first condom ads in primetime: